Proverbs 3:5&6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
The following account of the birth of Hannah and all that we experienced as a result of her stillbirth is taken from the journal I kept immediately after Hannah was born.
Hannah Grace Clark was born August 19, l996 in Union Hospital, Terre Haute, IN. at 12:03 PM. She weighed 9 lbs 3 oz. and was 22 inches long. We were amazed at having such a big baby. She was beautiful, with lots of brown (reddish brown) hair. Those present at the birth were me, Rodney, Grandpa Drake, Grandma Sharp, Cindy McLeish, Dr. Mitre, Sue Hoopengarner and a hospital nurse. We had all been told, just hours earlier, that Hannah would be stillborn. It was the most horrible news we could have been given and I think we were all in shock.
We knew when we came to the hospital that the baby might be in an emergency situation, but we didn't think we would be told the baby had died sometime during the night. And we still didn't know if we were having a boy or girl until Hannah was born. She was so beautiful, perfect and healthy looking, that it was so hard to believe we wouldn't be taking her home with us.
No one could come up with an explanation of what went wrong, which has made it hard to understand why God would choose Hannah to go to be with Him at this time. Everyone says I did everything right and nothing could have been done differently. It is still hard for me to accept that though. The only thing I can do is keep reminding myself that all this is part of God's plan for our lives and we may not know the reasons why until we get to Heaven and see Hannah again. I do know she is with her Grandma Drake and Grandpa Clark, and they will be waiting to be reunited with us one day.
Hannah was named for her grandma, at my mother's funeral, which was July 8, 1996, the minister referred to Hannah as being the mother in the Bible who most closely fit the way my mom lived her life as a mother. Putting her children's needs first, above her own, and I had wanted my daughter to feel a closeness to the grandmother she would not know on earth. Now it turns out she will know her grandmother before she knows me. Although she knew me for 9 months when she was growing in my body and she must have sensed how much I loved her. Which she must surely know now too. I am thankful for the beautiful memory of the daughter that Rodney and I created together.
There were times when I wondered if Rodney and I would ever have a child together and now we have. We just didn't get to bring her home with us. Everywhere I look at home I am reminded of the dreams and plans I had for my baby. It is very hard to accept that those dreams and plans aren't going to happen. But I may have lost sight, during all that planning, that nothing happens without the will of God. For some reason He has chosen our family to experience this deep terrible pain- possibly to bring our families closer and more loving and sharing than we have been. I love the children, but I wanted this new baby so bad. I know my dad and my sister, as well as other people in our family also wanted this baby to help us over the death of my mom. A new life filled with joy to replace a life of courage lost to pain and sickness. We are grateful that if anything was physically wrong with Hannah, she didn't have to suffer.
Hannah was born after about three and a half hours of hard, painful labor, made more painful by the knowledge that our baby would not be born alive. After she was born, a lady named Sue Hoopengarner took over our situation. She works for RTS Bereavement Services, through the Hospital.
She cleaned Hannah off, wrapped her in a towel and handed her to Rodney. The doctor was finishing my stitches, but Rodney let me hold her as soon as the doctor was done. Sue took pictures, which show our shock and sadness, but also our pride in the beautiful daughter God had gifted us with. Hannah's Grandma Sharp also got to hold her soon after she was born. Then Sue got together the bath supplies and I was able to give Hannah a bath. I loved being able to do it, and will always hold the memory, but as with all the events of this day I had to realize this would be the only chance I would have to hold and care for Hannah. Rodney was there with me and helped me dress her in the outfit we had planned to bring Hannah home in. It was a little white sleeper with booties and a hat that Hannah's Aunt Lisa had made. Lisa made it from a pattern my mom, Hannah's Grandma Drake, had picked out but never got to make because she got too sick, and eventually died before Hannah's birth. That made it a special outfit and we decided it should be what Hannah would be buried in, since it was made especially for her.
She looked so at peace, just like she was sleeping and I couldn't help but think I would like to take her home just the way she was, because it would be better than going home alone. But of course that was a want that couldn't be fulfilled. After we had dressed her, Sue took more pictures of Rodney and I with Hannah. Those pictures are ones we will cherish forever as our only physical encounter with Hannah. We then moved to a private room and Sue took Hannah away for a short while, to take more pictures and give us a chance to figure out what we were going to say to Matthew, Bradley and Melissa.
Sue and Pastor Carey both talked to us and tried to give us guidance in how to tell the kids. When they walked in my room my heart broke again, they were so excited and expected to be seeing their new brother or sister - they didn't know which yet. And I remember Bradley smiling and saying "Where's the baby mom?" I said, "well we need you to sit down, so we can tell you about the baby." And Rodney told them that we came to the hospital and after a few hours we had a baby girl, he told them how big she was and then he told them that something had gone wrong and her heart had stopped beating while she was still in Lori. Melissa then asked if the baby had died and Rodney said yes, the baby had died. As with the rest of us, they were of course in shock. I felt so badly for them - the last thing they knew I was going to the hospital to have a baby and now that baby was gone and they would not know the joy of having her for a sister on earth. We gave them all a chance to hold Hannah, Bradley decided not to, but he did touch her.
We took more pictures of the kids holding Hannah and of our whole family. My dad and Ryan & Grandma Anderson also came and held her and had pictures taken. After we had all been together for an hour or so, it was time to think about leaving. I got dressed, got my final medical orders and took a few last pictures with Hannah. I don't know how I was able to hand her back over to Sue and leave, but somehow God gave me the strength. I think I was stronger that day than I am now, a few weeks later. I walked out of the hospital and came home with Rodney and the kids, but not with my baby as I had planned when I left the house that morning. That night I think I was just in shock, I can't remember much of what happened at all. But I did forget to write about the memory box Sue gave us to bring home. I love it. It has the tape measure that was used on Hannah, it has a lock of her hair in a container, a silver baby spoon, a plaster cast of her footprints, the pin from the hospital that says "It's a girl" the stuffed rabbit that was used in Hannah's pictures and a silk rose from Sue. Also, the comb I used on her hair when I gave her a bath. I will always treasure these things as reminders of my baby and I am thankful the hospital has a program (RTS) and a person like Sue, to think about our needs even when we were having trouble thinking.
The next day, Tuesday, August 20, 1996, we had to get up and prepare to go make the funeral arrangements. I think I was still pretty strong on this day, although I did call my friend, Cindy, when Rodney left to take Melissa to school. I just cried and cried and asked her what I was going to do without my baby. I had planned for months that this baby would be a part of my life, and now she was gone without any warning or preparation. Cindy cried too and tried to console me, but it wasn't something that could easily be done. I showered and tried to find something to wear that wouldn't make me look pregnant. I didn't want anyone to ask me when my baby was due.
Carolyne and Bud (Rodney's mother and Step-Father)came, she stayed with the boys, and he went with me and Rodney to the funeral home, where we met my dad and the funeral director. Before we went though, I had Rodney stop by Hill's department store so I could pick out a bow for Hannah's hair. I had always dreamed of having a baby girl to put bows in her hair, but I can't believe I had the strength to actually walk in that store alone, go to the baby section, and buy something for my baby who had died. I'm not that strong now, but I was that day.
We went to the mall to drop off our film to be developed. We wanted to have the pictures at Hannah's funeral, and we were hoping to get one blown up to put in a frame and put on her casket at the cemetery, so everyone could see how beautiful she was.
Then we went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. This also was very hard, but somehow we found the strength. We decided on Highland Lawn Cemetery, because they have a "baby" section and right now Rodney and I aren't sure where we will be buried, and we wanted her grave to be close so we can go visit it regularly if we want to. And we decided we would have an open casket viewing at the funeral home for our family and closest friends, and then have graveside services at the cemetery. After those plans were made, Rodney and Bud left for the cemetery to pay for the lot and my dad and I went to pick up the pictures and have an 8x10 made. It was hard to look at her pictures and I wondered if the developer knew Hannah was dead. I picked one and got the picture made. Then we had to go pick out a flower arrangement for the casket. Again, this was a hard thing to do, but God gave me the strength on that day. I knew I wanted pink and white and picked out a fresh arrangement with carnations and daises, with ribbons that would say"daughter" and "sister". Then we had to stop on the way home and buy a frame to put our picture in . It was a very, long, exhausting day, especially after having just given birth the day before.
When we got home, the Pastor and Sharon were just pulling up to bring our supper. We had been told that the people of the church were going to bring us meals as long as we needed them, which was truly a blessing because cooking and eating were the last things on my mind. They also offered to have the ladies of the church prepare a meal and serve our family after the funeral, which we also gladly accepted. They said everyone was praying for us and wanted to help in any way they could. It was nice to hear that, but some things I would come to feel over the next few weeks just couldn't be helped that easily.
The funeral home, and Sue, had told us we could have the kids put something from them in Hannah's casket. Melissa finished the blanket she had been working on since Christmas, Bradley gave the teddy bear he had won for the baby, playing an arcade game, and Matthew wrote a letter telling Hannah he was sorry he wouldn't get to meet her, but he knew she was happy in Heaven. Each gift had meant something special to them and we hoped it would make them feel better to give the gifts to the baby. That's all I can really remember from that night, the second night I was home without my baby.
Then came the day of the funeral, Wednesday, August 21, 1996. This is a day I never imagined to live through while I was pregnant. A baby and a funeral just didn't go together in my mind,but I was wrong. We were supposed to be at the funeral home at 10:30 so we could have some time alone to see Hannah before the rest of the family got there. It was hard to get up and get everyone ready, but somehow we managed. Then we needed to stop by Hill's department store again, to get a photo album to put all of our pictures in, because I wanted to share all of our memories with everyone else. It was all we had. I would much rather be passing around my crying, wiggling baby but that wasn't going to happen and I wanted people to see she had been real and we loved her, as much as any parents and brothers and sisters love their baby. It was hard going in the store again to buy the album, but I wanted everything to be perfect, because this was my last day to be with Hannah on Earth. Of course, Hannah wasn't here, but I still felt like she was because I could see her body. But again, God gave me strength to do what I needed to do, strength that I would let disappear over the next few weeks. We went to the funeral home, Pastor Carey was there, and we went in to see Hannah again. We hadn't seen her since we left the hospital on Monday, just her pictures. Seeing her brought back all the feelings of loss. She was so beautiful and healthy looking. How could she not be alive? Why couldn't we keep her? There were some flowers from family, but not many because we asked for donations to go to the AWANA's program at church instead. We set up a table with the kids gifts and a picture of Hannah, also her photo album, and a picture of Rodney and me, cut in the shape of a heart. I wrote a message on the back telling Hannah how much we loved her and how much we looked forward to seeing her in Heaven. I still had trouble believing the baby I carried for over nine months was laying here in a casket, instead of at home in the cradle I had all ready for her. She was still beautiful though and she had the bow I had gotten her in her hair. I was proud of the daughter we had produced. Soon, all of our family started coming. It was very hard showing people our daughter for the first time and the last time on earth. But because these people only saw her for a short while it's probably easier for them to handle her death and to put her out of their minds, which really hurts me because I can't imagine ever putting her out of my mind. The actual visitation lasted from 11:00 to 12:30 and Pastor Carey did a small service and talked about our love for Hannah, and how she was in Heaven with her Grandpa Clark and Grandma Drake and when we see her it will be in her prime, as a young lady. I wonder so much about what she will look like. He also commented on the meaning of her name. Hannah and Grace both mean "beloved", which is certainly what she is. Then everyone else paid their last respects and went out to their cars. Then it was our turn, we walked up with our parents, they said their good-byes and left us alone with the kids. We let the kids put their special gifts in the casket and touch Hannah one last time and then they went out with Grandpa Drake and Uncle Ryan. Then it was our turn. I told Rodney, "I don't think I can do this", he said "yes, you can" and started praying, I don't remember the exact words, but I know he was thanking God for Hannah, and acknowledging she was in Heaven where she was safe and happy. I kissed Hannah and touched her. I didn't want to leave but there was no other choice. Rodney asked if he could carry Hannah's casket to the Hearse, so after he walked me to the van he went back in and carried her out. Somehow I stayed composed for the drive to the cemetery. It seemed to take forever. I never thought I would be following a hearse carrying my baby to the cemetery. When we got there it was much harder to keep control. There were a lot of people there. Family and friends from church and work. I really didn't expect so may people. We sat down with the kids, right in front of her casket while Pastor Carey performed the graveside service. We had placed a picture of Hannah by her casket, so everyone who was not at the funeral home could see how beautiful she was. Then before we knew it, it was all over. Everyone formed a line and came by to tell us how sorry they were and give us hugs. I started crying and couldn't stop. This was really happening and I couldn't change it. Everything I had hoped for and planned for was gone so quickly. We all took a flower from the arrangement we had on Hannah's casket and then we left. We went back to the church, where the women had prepared a meal for us and our families. For some reason my appetite wasn't affected and I was able to eat. Mike and Cindy came with Corey and Kylin so the kids had someone to talk to, but they had trouble knowing what to say. When we were done, they gave us all the leftovers to take home, which was good, because shopping and cooking weren't at the top of my list right now. We decided to leave the flowers from my dad and Lisa and Ryan, to be used on the alter on Sunday morning. I took pictures of them before we left, though. Then we came back home and pretty much collapsed. We had been through so much the last few days and I felt emotionally drained. We had our pictures to look at and cards had started coming, but there was no baby in the cradle to prove Hannah's existence. I know she's in Heaven where everything is wonderful, but I still wish (selfishly) that she could be here with me. I just want to hold my baby and watch her. I just have to keep reminding myself that is not going to happen for now. Rodney has been very good about listening to me break down, and offering support. I know he is hurting too, but I just don't feel strong enough to help everyone else feel better.
Thursday, August 22, 1996 was the boys' first day back to school. I wrote letters to their teachers explaining what we had been through this week in case they noticed any problems with the boys. But haven't heard of any yet. When Rodney left to take them to school, and I was home alone it really hit me hard. I had thought I would be alone with the baby when the boys went back to school, but instead I was just alone. It felt awful, and I wasn't sure I could stand it. But I was so lucky to have Rodney here with me. Besides my emotional pain, my physical pain was increasing because of all my activity the last couple of days. I was supposed to be taking it easy, but how could I when I had to help plan Hannah's funeral and go through it . We didn't do too much that day except try to recuperate a little and think a lot. That's what I did anyway, more cards came to tell us everyone was thinking about us and keeping us in their prayers. If we didn't have so many people praying for us I don't know how we could make it. Everyone offered scriptures and related similar stories, hoping to give us the strength we were going to need to survive this. Emotionally I was up and down. I knew God had a reason for allowing this to happen, but I desperately wanted to know what that reason was. I started looking for things that might have caused Hannah to die so close to time for delivery. I felt haunted by thoughts that I must be to blame. She was in my body and I should have kept her safe. She had been moving, shouldn't I have noticed her stop. Had I slept wrong, or ate wrong, or been too active? The thoughts wouldn't stop. I think I was still in shock and the worse days would come later. Cindy brought out food and called to talk to me. Later she told me that on Thursday after Hannah was born, she became really angry and questioned why God would allow this to happen to me and why now. Of course there are no answers and she later asked for forgiveness. On Friday my physical pain was increasing, but I rode down to Sullivan with Rodney , he needed a tractor part, then we went to the cemetery to see my mom's stone. It looked nice, but in my mind I was thinking why is my life suddenly centered around two cemeteries. One with my mom and one with my daughter. Again, we got a lot of cards on this day and it helped to know everyone cared so much. Cindy told me that at Wednesday night's church service the Pastor told everyone what had happened, I guess a lot of people still didn't know, and he took the whole service explaining our situation, and how people could help us get through this. Then my dad came to pick up Rodney, because he was scheduled to get his wisdom teeth cut out and I couldn't and wasn't supposed to drive. So I had a little while alone, but it wasn't too bad. Then my dad came back and picked the boys up from school. We took them to Cindy's because they were having a party for church, and my dad and I went to pick up Rodney. The people at the Dentist's office had known we were waiting on a baby, so Rodney had to tell them what happened. It seemed like we would be doing a lot of that over the next few weeks. Rodney was done, but in a lot of pain. We went home and he collapsed in his recliner and I tried to find ways to take care of him. I was very upset, because I was in so much pain and so was he and I didn't know what to do. We had no children- which wasn't supposed to ever happen again. We thought we would always have a child with us from now on. The whole weekend was very depressing for me. On Saturday Rodney was feeling better and went outside to work with his tractor. Lisa had come for the weekend and she and my dad took all of our laundry and shopping list and took care of that for me. When they came over I broke down and they listened and cried with me for a while. I knew they were upset too, and I felt like I had let them down because I wasn't able to bring Hannah into this world alive. I know it was, as all things are, according to God's plan, not mine, but I sometimes have a lot of trouble keeping only those thoughts in my mind. On Sunday we didn't go to church. I knew there was no way I could go and Rodney thought about it, but Cindy told us they were going to take a special offering for us and Rodney decided that might be a little awkward. We went out to the cemetery to check on things, and even though I was very sad, I also felt peace. Even though I know Hannah is not in the ground, just her earthly body, it still gave me comfort to go there. It is really beautiful there, I read some of the other baby markers and Rodney took some pictures. It was hard to leave. Yesterday we got the pictures from Sue that she took of Hannah at the hospital. They were great and we just love them. The pastor came out to check on us and stayed to visit for awhile. He said everyone was thinking about us and wanted to help in any way we needed. Rodney got a call from Clarice Milam and she wants me to come over so she can talk to me because she also had a baby that was stillborn. It did help talking to her and to others who had been through a stillbirth or similar loss of a baby, either through miscarriage or early infant death. By talking to others who have survived I was able to hang on and know that I will make it, even though it won't be easy.
I
have shared my deepest thoughts so that you may know that there is hope
in Jesus Christ, for it was him that gave me strength when I was weak,
and it was him who comforted my physical and emotional pains, and it is
him on whom I lean when I do not understand.