Vertically-Impaired Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her
mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her mother asked her to
take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's
house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the deed
was generous and helped engender a feeling of community.  Furthermore,
her grandmother was not sick but was rather in full physical and mental
health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature
adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods.  Many
people she knew believed that the forest was a dark and foreboding place
and never set foot in it.  Red Riding Hood, however, was confident in her
own budding sexuality so that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder
her.

On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who
asked her what was in her basket.  She replied, "Some healthful snacks for
my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a
mature adult."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for you, a little girl, to
walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from
society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely
valid, world view.  Now if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But because his status
outside society freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style
thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.  He burst
into the house, and ate Grandma, an entirely logical course of action for a
carnivore such as himself.  Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist
notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes
and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought
you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role as a
wise and nurturing matriarch."

>From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer child, so that I might
see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a
bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They have seen much and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively of course, and
certainly attractive in its own way," Red Riding Hood said next.

"It has smelled much and forgiven much, my dear."

Then Red Riding Hood said, "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out
of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring
her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent
tendency towards cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of
her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel
technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he burst into the
cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.  But as he raised his
axe, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.

"And what do you think you're doing?" Red Riding Hood asked.

The wood-chopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came
to him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your
thinking for you!" she said.  "Sexist!  Speciesist!  How dare you assume
that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's
help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the
Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off.

After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain
commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up an alternative household
based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the
woods happily ever after.