Who's On First (Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello) Costello: Hey Abbott. Abbott: What do want Costello? Costello: Look Abbott. I understand that you're going to be the manager of the Lou Costello Junior Youth Foundation baseball team. Abbott: Yes. We just organized the thing. Costello: Oh you did? Abbott: Sure! Costello: Well I'd like to play on the team myself, you know, I know something about baseball. Abbott: Well that can be accomplished. Costello: Well I'd like to know some of the guys names on the team, so that when I meet them on the street or in the ballpark, I'll be able to say hello to them. Abbott: Well surely I'll introduce you to the boys. But, you know strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers, nowadays, very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Nicknames. Petnames. Like Dizzy Dean..... Costello: Brother Daffy.... Abbott: Daffy Dean...... Costello: I'm their french cousin,..... Abbott: French cousin? Costello: Goofe'. BUD: (singing) Take me out to the Ball game, Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and... LOU: Peanuts! Popcorn! Get your Popper Jacks Here! Peanuts! BUD: Sebastian! Sebastian, get over here. Pardon him folks. What do you think your doing? LOU: I wanted the people to feel like they were in the ball park, because.... (grabs bat) LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows? BUD: All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." LOU: Not as peculiar as mine.... Sebastian Dimwitty BUD: Oh Yes. LOU: They got names funnier than mine? WOOOOOOOoooo(siren yell) BUD: Oh Absolutely. BUD: Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third -- LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team. BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third -- LOU: You know the fellows' names? BUD: Yes. LOU: Well, then who's playin' first. BUD: Yes LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base. BUD: Who. LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. BUD: Who. LOU: The guy on first base. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for? BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST. LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first? BUD: That's the man's name! LOU: That's who's name? BUD: Yes. LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me. BUD: Who. LOU: The guy on first. BUD: Who. LOU: The first baseman. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first? BUD: Certainly. LOU: Then who's playing first? BUD: Absolutely. LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it. LOU: Who is? BUD: Yes. LOU: So who gets it? BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. LOU: Who's wife? BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it. LOU: Who does? BUD: Absolutely. LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base. BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base. LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second. BUD: Who's on first. LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out. BUD: Well, don't change the players around. LOU: I'm not changing nobody. BUD: Now, take it easy. LOU: What's the guy's name on first base? BUD: What's the guy's name on second base. LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. BUD: Who's on first. LOU: I don't know. BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him. LOU: How could I get on third base? BUD: You mentioned his name. LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? BUD: No, Who's playing first. LOU: Stay offa first, will ya? BUD: Well what do you want me to do? LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base? BUD: What's on second. LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second. BUD: Who's on first. LOU: I don't know. BUD: He's on third. LOU: There I go back on third again. BUD: Well, I can't change their names. LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base. BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know. LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base. BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base. LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. BUD: Who's on first. LOU: I don't know. BUD: THIRD BASE! LOU: You got an outfield? BUD: Oh, sure. LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield? BUD: Oh, absolutely. LOU: The left fielder's name? BUD: Why. LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask. BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you. LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field. BUD: Who's playing first. LOU: Stay out of the infield! BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here. LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field? BUD: What is on second. LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: I don't know. BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base. LOU: And the left fielder's name? BUD: Why. LOU: Because. BUD: Oh he's Center Field. LOU: (whimpers) Center field. BUD: Yes. LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team. BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher. LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name. BUD: Tomorrow. LOU: You don't want to tell me today? BUD: I'm tell you, man. LOU: Then go ahead. BUD: Tomorrow. LOU: What time? BUD: What time what? LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on -- LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!" BUD: Then why come up here and ask? LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name. BUD: What's on second. LOU: I don't know. BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!! LOU: You gotta Catcher? BUD: Yes. LOU: The Catcher's name? BUD: Today. LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching. BUD: Now you've got it. LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team. BUD: Well I can't help that. LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too. BUD: I know that. LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team. BUD: Well I might arrange that. LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching. BUD: Yes. LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball. BUD: Yes. LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who? BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right. LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!! BUD: Well, that's all you have to do. LOU: is to throw it to first base. BUD: Yes. LOU: Now who's got it? BUD: Naturally. LOU: Who has it? BUD: Naturally. LOU: Naturally. BUD: Naturally. LOU: O.K. BUD: Now you've got it. LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base. LOU: Then who gets it? BUD: Naturally. LOU: O.K. BUD: All right. LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally. BUD: You don't you throw it to Who. LOU: Naturally. BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way. LOU: That's what i said. BUD: You did not. LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally. BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who. LOU: Naturally. BUD: Yes. LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it. BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base-- LOU: Then who gets it? BUD: Naturally. LOU: That's what I'm saying. BUD: You're not saying that. LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally. BUD: You throw it to Who! LOU: Naturally. BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way. LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! BUD: Now don't get excited. LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base-- BUD: Then Who gets it. LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT! BUD: That's it. All right now Take it easy. LOU: Hrmmph. BUD: Hrmmph. LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. BUD: Uh-huh. LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play. BUD: Yeah. It could be. LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a damn. BUD: What did you say. LOU: I said "I don't give a damn." BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!