FIFTY WAYS TO KILL TIME IN COURT
            (especially if your side is losing horribly)

1.  Pick up your opposing counsel's briefcase.  Set it on your table and open
    it.  Calmly begin rifling through the papers.

2.  Tell your client that you'd be winning if he were better looking.

3.  Stare at the other party.  Comment loudly to no one in particular that
    the court really should provide better security because you never 
    know what someone might do.  Repeat every few minutes.

4.  Write out a check, payable to the judge's campaign fund, for an
    astronomical sum of money.  Attempt to introduce it as "Exhibit 
    A".

5.  Begin doing a "Rain Man" impersonation.  Say, "Uh oh!  Of-of course, it's
    d-definitely just nineteen minutes till Wapner."

6.  Ask the judge for a recess.  When asked why, say, "No reason, I've just
    always liked recess!"

7.  Tell the jury that their duty is to decide which postage stamp they
    prefer:  the younger, slimmer Perry Mason or the older, more 
    robust Perry Mason.

8.  Call your own mother or grandmother as a witness.  Question her
    extensively about her preferred cooking techniques.  Ignore any 
    objections.  When ordered to move on, move on to gardening.

9.  Feign amnesia.  Act as if suddenly everyone in the courtroom is a total
    stranger to you.

10. During opening statements, begin presenting a different case: that is, if
    you are trying a car wreck, start talking about leaking breast 
    implants; if a contested will, talk as if you were defending your 
    client from a capital murder charge.  Be creative.

11. Whenever opposing counsel says his client's name, sneeze.

12. Point accusingly at the bailiff and say, "You're not Rusty!  What have
    you done with Rusty!?"

13. Spread a tablecloth.  Light candles.  Begin serving a gourmet meal. 

14. Offer to ignore the jury's verdict and flip a coin.

15. Toss grapes into the air and catch them with your mouth.  Offer to toss
    one for the judge to catch.

16. Bring a Game Boy.  Refuse to give it up.  Insist that it is relevant to
    the case.

17. If you're late for court, burst into the courtroom with a raincoat and an
    umbrella.  Blame your tardiness on the monsoon, even if it's sunny 
    out.

18. Ask the judge "if we can have court outside today."

19. If in federal court, wear clashing clothes.  Explain that it's your
    "diversity suit."  (Lawyers will get this one;  trust me, it's 
    funny.  Of course, asking a lawyer to explain it will only make 
    things worse.)

20. Make up legal terms.  Dare your opponent to admit that he doesn't
    understand them.

21. Have pizza delivered to the jury room during deliberations.  Be sure to
    attach a business card so they'll know who it's from.

22. When the other party is testifying, giggle uncontrollably.  Really cut
    loose when s/he mentions "pain and suffering."

23. (Insert your own "briefs" joke here.)

24. Paper airplanes.  'Nuff said.

25. Answer your cellular phone, even when it doesn't ring.  Complain about
    people who call and then hang up.  Repeat often.

26. Begin speaking with a Jamaican accent, mon.

27. Scratch your head repeatedly during the trial.  Eventually mutter
    something about "stupid lice," preferably while standing near your 
    opponent.

28. Ask a witness when he stopped beating his wife.  Laugh hysterically.

29. Tattle on opposing counsel.  ("Your honor, so-and-so's passing notes.")

30. Take off your coat and shoes.  Pull a sweater and sneakers out of your
    briefcase.  Begin singing "It's a beautiful day in the 
    neighborhood..."

31. Every so often during your examination of a witness, roll a pair of dice.
    Look knowingly at the number that appears.  Shuffle your papers 
    and begin asking questions about a different subject.

32. Lay out Tarot cards.  Occasionally glance at the other party.  Laugh
    evilly.

33. Show the witness a copy of "A Tale of Two Cities."  Ask if she has read
    it.  No matter what her answer, open to page one and begin 
    reading.

34. During closing arguments, pass out twenty dollar bills to jurors as you
    speak.

35. Pass around a bowl of popcorn.

36. Bring water or lemonade in a big brown bottle labeled "DANGER: POISON".
    Drink from it.  Offer some to your opponent.

37. When given an opportunity to cross-examine a witness, ask, "That Tom
    Clancy shore can write, cain't he?"  Pass the witness.

38. Wonder aloud whether the judge is wearing anything under his robes.

39. Duck under the table.  Upon surfacing, explain to the judge that you
    dropped your fork.

40. Wear a tie that lights up.

41. (Insert your own "O.J." joke here.)

42. Call a priest to testify.  Don't let him leave until he'll tell the jury
    that God wants you to win.

43. Have the court provide a TV and VCR "for important videotaped evidence."
    Put in "Aladdin."

44. Attempt to subpoena Pope John Paul II as a character witness.

45. Ask only one question of potential jurors:  "Have you been naughty or
    nice?"

46. Enlist the services of several friends to be your own "Secret Service"
    protection.  Dress them in dark suits and sunglasses.  During a 
    particularly bad time for your side, have one of them yell "Gun!"  
    Let them quickly usher you out of the courtroom into a waiting 
    limousine.

47. Stand; say, "The defense rests."  Curl up on the table and take a nap.


UMMMM..... Well, Almost fifty!