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However, I am a big fan of marriage and this is
what I have known from what I have read, felt, sensed and experienced. (In
fact YOU will be advising me on this, one year down the line!) |
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You are viewed as an individual, before you get
married. After you get married, both of
you will be viewed as one single ‘unit’ by the society. |
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This implies that your actions will affect him
and his actions will affect you. |
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Your behavior ‘together’ communicates your
strength as a couple. |
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No matter what happens, the rest of the world
falls on the one side and you both together, form one ‘unit’. (This
excludes even your children!) |
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That’s why, marriage is considered so sacred, so
important. |
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Him: leaving around socks that smell, watching
cricket at three in the morning, You: throwing towels over the sofa,
talking too much on the phone, Him: forgetting to fix the bulb, too much
hanging out with friends; You: wearing a nightie all day long, not
remembering his parents’ anniversary; Him: coming late, not sharing weekend
chores, forgetting to ask how you are feeling about last night’s headache… |
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The list goes endless. There will be many
complaints and hassles. But marriage is never fifty-fifty. Somebody has to
make a compromise..sometimes it could be him, sometimes it could be
you…Learn to love each other’s old ‘n’ bad habits! |
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You are not magicians nor mind-readers to
understand each other’s minds, especially in the initial years.You are just
husband and wife with human strengths and failures. |
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Tell him if your hurt, ask him to let you know
if he feels bad. Speak, Tell, Talk,
Chat, Discuss, Share views, Argue, Fight….do whatever feels appropriate,
but essentially keep communicating. |
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Remember, silence is not golden in a marriage! |
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Its easy to suspect. The challenge and charm of
relationships is in trusting. |
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What we see, is not true. What we hear is not
true either. What we touch and feel and sense is not true too. What we need
to believe is what we trust. This trust comes from your heart. Your heart
knows best. |
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Sometimes, when life is not very rosy, when he’s
not paying attention, when you begin to feel that love is only past tense,
when he forgets: to pick you up from the airport, to pack your lunch, your
birthday, your anniversary and other things that are precious to you, it
sure hurts..but he’s human. Who knows how many times he forgave you? |
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Tell him you felt bad and forgive him…it’s very
tough, but life’s like that! |
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There’s nothing like: ‘okay, we have achieved a
perfect marriage. Now let’s sit back and relax’. A happy marriage is not an
achievement, which is once achieved and forgotten. |
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Even if you have had twenty glorious years of
marriage, you have to keep working at it, to make it stay fresh and lively.
It is a continuous, on-going process until you are alive. |
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Keep nurturing it with variety, fun, romance and
excitement. |
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Go feed the monkeys in the zoo, watch a
cartoon/comedy movie, play with clay and sand or just compete each other in
a running race along the beach, play games of chess, cards or scrabble,
create your music orchestra in the kitchen with plates and spoons, climb
trees, go on trekking, camp and picnic together, work on a project or do a
course together, repair your car or clean and decorate your home …and so
on.. |
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Even the most boring tasks and activities will
spice up if you do them together. |
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These, so called ‘unromantic activities’ are in
fact very amusing and according to me, the most romantic…now you guys have
to decide what works for you! |
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Though doing activities together is fun,
remember to leave some space between. |
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If he likes watching cricket, and you hate it,
let him do it alone. If he hates shopping leather purses or cosmetics with
you or coming to your friend’s wedding anniversary, don’t force him.
Leaving space and understanding each other’s private space and time is
essential. |
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Sometimes, he wants to have ‘all men’s parties’
at home while you want to go to a beauty parlor or meet your old friends
with a neighbor… |
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Understand that he has to play the roles of a
son, a cousin, a friend, a colleague, an employee, a boss, a brother, apart
from his role as a husband. Similarly, you have other roles to
play…understand that each other’s ‘other’ dimensions and aspects of life
besides marriage exist. |
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This is a practical approach to a marriage |
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Don’t be too seriously in love! If you don’t
know what I mean, I am telling you not to get too emotional. |
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Example: you don’t have to starve in hunger till
he comes back at 2 am and make him feel guilty by waiting. |
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Example: you don’t have to feel too guilty if
you wake up late (say first time in the last three months) and he rushes
without having breakfast. |
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Common,
fifty years of marriage has many crooked roads and ups and downs…you have
to very tough and light hearted to endure all this! |
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As you grow, you as a person, your interests,
attitudes, your views change. Similarly, the person you are in love with
also changes. We need to accept that change and growth is natural.
Expecting the same person, say six years down the line is not realistic. |
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In times of difficulty and during times of
crisis, your man’s patience and such other qualities that you once admired,
may suffer. Circumstances may make it look as though your partner has
changed for the worse. Understand that he is only reacting to the
situation. |
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Love also changes its flavor as you grow. He
might show his love by getting you a new pair of spectacles instead of
roses..or buy you a washing machine instead of a bracelet… |
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Accept these changes! |
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Its all there in a marriage: Love, hate, ego,
pain, jealousy, tiffs and fights, heated arguments, romance, beauty,
adventure, crisis, sharing, togetherness, craving, loneliness, anger,
patience and what not…! |
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Drink this cocktail of life…as it comes and be
strong enough to survive the odds! |
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You know the rest and all the best! |
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Notes