> Macintosh Airlines: All the ticket counters look the same, the terminals > look the same, the baggage handlers look the same as the pilots. When > you inquire as to why, you're told, "Sit down, shut up, you don't need to > know, please enjoy the ride." > > Windows 3.1 Airlines: The terminals are nice, the clerks are friendly. > The flight leaves on time and the take off is uneventful...then the pilot > mumbles something about "general protection fault" and the plane > explodes, falling out of the sky in a fiery ball. > > Unix Airlines: Every passanger arrives at the gate with a piece of the > plane. A large disagreement then starts over what type of plane to build > and where to fly it to. > > Next Airlines: The passengers assemble on the runway in the shape of > a plane and make whoooshing noises. > > OS/2 Airlines: Looks and feels like Windows 3.1, clean, comfortable, > friendly service...but with no destinations or departing flights...?? > > DOS Airlines: The passenger finds a note at the gate to "Board the > Plane." After doing so, he finds a shrink wrapped user's guide on the > pilot seat. > > Windows 95 Airlines: After a long, tedious, flight preparation ritual and > probing baggage check in where his wallet goes missing, the passanger > boards the plane, enjoys the in-flight movie (after spending an hour with > technical support), lands and de-planes only to discover he is standing at > the ticket counter for MAC Airlines and the year is 1988! > > -------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ~> When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, ~> he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for ~> Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com ~> traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before ~> he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. ~> Gorsky." ~> ~> Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some ~> rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in ~> either the Russian nor American space programs. ~> ~> Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good ~> luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while ~> answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 ~> year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that ~> Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the ~> question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his ~> brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in ~> front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr and ~> Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. ~> Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll ~> get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FORECAST: THANKSGIVING OUTLOOK: Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 degrees F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumuation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side, while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the belt- way. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 degrees F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days, with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be a bone. --- Elliot Abrams ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10. You think most Indian teenagers are pure and chaste. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 9. You think everyone in the world knows about the O.J. Simpson case. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 8. You can't believe the world wide web exists in India. You can't believe Delhi has had phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you get here for the past three years and you can't believe there have been ATM (like MAC) machines in Indian cities for more than 7 years. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 7. You like Broccoli. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 6. You find cricket to be boring but watch golf, bowling or curling on TV. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 5. You express sarcasm with "Yeah, right." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 4. When you see anyone at all pass by you on the road, you greet them with a "Howz it goin", "Whassup" or "How you doin" and keep walking on. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3. You say "interesting" when either you don't care or think it is weird. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2. You refer to India as a Third World Country. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. You understood, enjoyed and could relate to every joke in the Humor Page. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: You know you are an ABCD when ... - When your mom makes a Mexican meal and tells you to count the number of TacoBell packets in her purse. - they peel the stamps off letters that the postal service missed to mark up. - they buy 2-ply toilet paper and they tell you to use only 1 ply at a time to make it last. - When your mom comes home with napkins stuffed in her purse of the restaraunt she last ate at. - when you become part of that viscious clan who recycles wedding gifts- - Take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No food allowed" - Make kichdi on the beach wearing saris - Wear shorts with dress socks and tennis shoes - Try to use coupons that expired 5 months ago and argue when the store doesn't accept them, or simply tear off the expiration date - Eat half of a pizza at a restaurant and then complaining that it wasn't made right (I want refund!) - The famous: "hamburger, no meat, water, no ice, 3 cups, and 18 ketchups please" - Talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house - etc, etc. - loading up the family car with as many indians as possible when it's a "pay per car" entrance fee. - renting movies and splitting the cost with 2 other families and having the last family return it. - taking 30-45 minutes deciding which indian movie to watch when it only costs 25 cents!...then asking for a refund when it sucks. - when you see a bath pail in a stand-up shower or tub - when everyone gets the same Christmas present...a "buy one get one free" special - when people show up late to a function...just in time for the food! - Plastic covers anything new in your parents' house whether it is the remote control to the VCR or the new livingroom couch. - Your parents only face straight when driving with both hands on the steering wheel and notice nothing but the road in front of them. - They have one of these three cars, an Olds Cutlass Ciera, a Honda Accord or a Toyota Camry. (Rich desis drive a Lexus or a Mercedes.) - When family friends come over, you have ten conversations going on in the same room at the same time very loudly. - You eat dinner on the floor covered with newspapers when company comes over. - Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think. - You've never owned white clothing because it will be hard to take stains out of it. (That's what mom says.) - You have a collection of used wrapping paper and bows that have been saved for re-use. - Your bio-data and picture have been circulated more than your resume. - Your parents won't let you attend college outside of your hometown because you might actually date members of the opposite sex! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Impacts of technology ! > Welcome to 1995! Now here are a few items against which to measure > yourself and your relationship to society in general, i.e., how to > determine if Technology has taken over your life: > > * Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address > book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for > two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads > across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. > In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter > you write is letterhead. > * You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at > least one device on your body beep or buzz. > * You have to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you > can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only > computers with laser printers. > * You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you > forget to send your father a birthday card. > * You disdain people who use low baud rates. > * When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a > salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to > correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the > customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, > nodding his head. > * You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation > without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. > * You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you > say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what > you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you > don't have to explain it. > * You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up > your own social security number. > * You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice > number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any > house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other > contraptions. > * You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature. > * Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke > symbols that are far more clever than :-). > * You back up your data every day. > * Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the > store and you return with a rest for your mouse. > * You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. > * On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the > pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham > novels. > * The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely > enters your mind. > * You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase > "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term > "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, > the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts. > * You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the > exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions > to your house without looking up the street names. > * You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. > * You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell > you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call > and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to > receive more information about the product it is selling. > * You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter > and three-and-a-half-inch sizes. > * Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. > * You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know > where they are. > * While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia > surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a > nine-year-old. > * You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure > enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology > question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. > * You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your > automobile tires. > * You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster > you own turns bread into charcoal. > * You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different > opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track > pad. > * You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, > technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own > good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't > use a laptop. > * You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd > never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it > to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most > of these people face-to-face. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: DIPLOMACY WITH WOMEN !!! Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask... There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of things: a - How fat you are. b - How much prettier she is than you. c - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes dear. Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes? "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: What is your programing/managerial skill level? What is your Programming/Manegerial Skills level ??????? Don't be disheartened if it isn't much ! Look out for the CEO at the end !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =============================== THE EVOLUTION OF A PROGRAMMER * =============================== High School/Jr.High =================== 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 20 END --------------------------------------------------------------------------- First year in College ===================== program Hello(input, output) begin writeln('Hello World') end. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Senior year in College ====================== (defun hello (print (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- New professional ================ #include recent UPSC examination. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian > cow : > > " The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is > female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same > like god, sacred to hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs > together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. > > His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. What can it do ? > Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so > forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. > > His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinous species. Also his > other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes > in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his > feeding after eating. Then afterwards, she chew with his teeth whom are > situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in > the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially > so when he has got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he > causes the weapon to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and > instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. > > He has got tails also but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the > other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies > which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it. > The palms of the feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not > crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground anmd he > shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so. > > This is the cow > > P.S. We are informed that the candidate passed the exam > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: APARTMENT (fwd) APARTMENT FOR RENT A prosperous man proposed to a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her he didn't have the money with him, but he would have his secretary write a check for it, and mail it for "Rent at the Apartment". On his way to the office, he decided the whole thing wasn't worth the price he agreed to pay. So he had the secretary send a check for $250.00 and enclose the following note: Dear Madam: Enclosed is a check for the amount of $250.00 for rent on your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) It had never been occupied 2) That there was plenty of heat 3) That it was small Last night I found it had already been occupied; that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Upon receipt of the check, the girl immediately returned the check with the following note: Dear Sir: I am returning the check for $250.00. I cannot understand how you would expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. And as for the size, it is not my fault that you didn't have enough furniture to fill it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: You know you've been at Intel too long when.... (fwd) o Your car keys are attached to a 8088 keychain o A (non-Intel) friend (imagine that) picks up your badge and ask you "Who is this?" o You check voicemail, return calls, reply to notesmails, coordinate mtgs.... on VACATION!! o You ZBB your spouse's request to celebrate your wedding anniversary o You tell your bill collectors that your funds are on corporate commit and that you will be getting back to them with a better date as to when you can pay.... o On Dec. 25th you realize that you still have 3 weeks of vacation left to take o TSEs who have left Intel and advanced to VP at a start-up company that just went public is talking to Earl about product support on one of your accounts o "MCD on CCP thru 2H'96"...... is considered a complete sentence by you o "x86 Q&A on P6 and PP during WW44"...... means something to you o "Going Back to Basics"..... does not apply to you > Your net worth is proportional to the number of years of Intel employment (or inversely proportional to your Intel ID#). > You go to bars to relax, unwind, and talk about work. > You feel guilty if you don't take your laptop home each night. > Your manager can calculate the anticipated stock growth well into 1996, but has trouble remembering why he walked all the way down the hall to talk with you. > You have a stack of 1994 databooks on your shelf that you've never opened -- not once. > You have a complete collection of Wilson Learning coursebooks. > You have more than three different name plates. > Your Franklin yearly binders occupy half your shelf space. > You refuse to attend parent-teacher conferences unless your child's teachers promise to use effective meeting habits. > You find yourself pressing '1' whenever you get an answering machine. > You realize that the last sentence you spoke had more acronyms than real words in it. > You refuse to spend time mowing the lawn until you can prove that it will positively affect the stock price. > You know Valentine's day is sometime in WW07. > You think it perfectly acceptable to add -ize to a noun (or worse, a TLA) to create a verb. > You have a line on your schedule that says "go home." > You measure your property in square mils. > You notice trademark violations on supermarket shelves. > Your five-year-old asks about the birds and the bees, and you ask them to set up a one-on-one. > Your secretary thinks your favorite restaurant is the Intel cafeteria. > You get claustrophobic in rooms with walls that go all the way to the ceiling. > You start referring to your wife as MOM-C (Mother Of My Children) and your dog as NFO-PWM (Newpaper Fetching Organism-Personal Walk Motivator.) > Your children have lists of ARs instead of chores. > You know where your conference room is without a map. > You're stopped for speeding and are SURPRISED to find that constructive confrontation is not part of the Highway Patrol's corporate culture (at least not from the receiving end...) > You've memorized one or more airlines' flight schedules between PDX and SJC. > You think "flex time" refers to a system whereby the employee may arrive any time they choose... before 8AM... and leave any time they choose... after 5PM. > You tell your spouse to submit a Revised Plan of Record in November, assuming an across-the-board cut of 5%. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Re: For a change... (fwd) Top 10 Rules of film-making in India Movies. 1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below). 2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie. 3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers). 4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled. 5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide. 6) In a chase, the hero will *always* overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot. 7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2). 8) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces. 9) Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by a) the brothers b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) c) the family dog/cat. The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre. 10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories: a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed by the villain before the titles. b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero. c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the *real* villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Re: It's AMERICAN not ENGLISH!! (fwd) > Towards a more American Conversation > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > * U don't open conversation (on telephone) with a "Hello" > but with a "Hi" > * The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy". > * U don't "disconnect" a phone, U simply "hang-up". > * U never "mess-up" things, U only "screw them up". > * U never have a "residence" tel. no., U have a "home" no. > * U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights". > * U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas". > * Your tire never "punctures", U may have a "flat". > * The trains have "coaches" or "boggies' no more but > "carriages" or "boxes". > * There R no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations". > * "I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a > positive here. > * U no longer meet a "wonderful" person, U meet a "cool" > guy > * U don't pull the switch down to light a bulb, rather > flick it up. > * U don't "turn on the heat", U "turn on the juice". > * There's no "Business Area" only "business districts", > and no "districts" but "counties". > * No one stays "a stone's throw away", might "a few blocks > away". > * There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town". > * In restaurant, U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", > rather ask for "check" and pay with (Dollar) "bill"s. > * There R no "soft drinks", only "sodas". > * Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks". > * U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball" or balls!. > * U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r butt off". > * Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the > stamps, don't "stick" them. > * U no longer live in "flats" or "blocks", find an > "apartment". > * U no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it. > * "#" is not "hash", it's "pound". > * U R not "deaf", U have "impaired hearing". > * U R not "lunatic", U are just "mentally challenged". > * U R not "disgusting" U R "sick". > * U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped". > * U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it. > * U never "joke", U just "kid". > * U never "increase" the pressure, U always "crank" it up. > * U never ask for a pencil rubber U ask for an eraser. > * U don't try to find a lift U find an elevator. > * U no more ask for a route but for a "RAUT" > * U don';t ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?" > * U never go to see a game U go to watch a game. > * If U see "World" champions (or Series), read "USA" > champions (or Series). > * There's no "zero" but "o", no "Z" but "zee". > * There's no FULL STOP after a statement, there's a PERIOD !! > * If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed". > > > In short U don't speak English, U speak American. > > Have fun > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Any plans to goin Navy ?????????....... Any of u are planning to join Navy frist try this at home.... 28 Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home 1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five. 2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal. 3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events. 4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc) 5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode. 6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period. 7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes. 8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep. 9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night. 10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD. 11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks. 12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band. 13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them. 14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes. 15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power. 16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo. 17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom. 18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together. 19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks. 20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time. 21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships. 22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale. 23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right. 24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit. 25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth. 26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C. 27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time. 28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not. 29. remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, _it's_an_adventure_! 30. mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene. ************************************************************************** Still have plans to join navy? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: 50 fun things to do in an elevator (fwd) 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you, just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first ten notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. Smile at everyone and keep saying you didn't do it. 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occassionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter, "gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say, "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say, "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space. 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body. 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting bigger. 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Dont talk just piss ! 18 Different People That You Meet In The Men's Bathroom 1. Excitable: Short, half twisted around; can't find hole; rips shorts. 2. Sociable: Joins friends in piss, whether he has to or not. 3. Cross-Eyed: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 4. Timid: Can't piss if someone is watching; flushes urinal, comes back. 5. Indifferent: If all urinals taken: pisses in sink. 6. Clever: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. 7. Frivolous: Plays stream up-stream down and tries to hit other urinals. 8. Absent-Minded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 9. Childish: Pisses directly in the bottom of urinal, likes to see bubbles. 10. Sneak: Farts quietly while pissing, acts very innocent. 11. Patient: Stands very close while waiting, reads with free hands. 12. Tough: Bangs dick on the side of urinal to dry. 13. Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both. 14. Fat: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoe. 15. Little: Stands on a box, falls into urinal and drowns. 16. Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. 17. Disgruntled: Stands for a while, fires off, walks away. 18. Conceited: Holds 2 inch dick like a baseball bat. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ****** no intention to hurt feelings ****** 1. Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? May be you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway! that's my point. 2. If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk. 3. I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else territory. 4. Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. 5. In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys. 6. Tonight, when we are eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "ggod, I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They did'nt, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Fuckt of life (fwd) THE MOST INTERESTING WORD Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust "Fuck me." 7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?" 8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" 9. Despair "Fucked again..." 10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the fuck are we." 13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" 14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." 17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" 20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." 21. Directions "Fuck off." 22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?" It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal- "Motherfucker." It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!" It HAS ALSO BEEN USED BY MANY NOTABLE PEOPLE THROUGHOUT HISTORY : "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "What fucking map?" "Challenger," Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo "Fuck a duck." Walt Disney "Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc "Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: (U) (fwd) Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems ? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: reduce access time... (fwd) Q. What is the difference between a Mini Skirt, Micro Skirt and a Nano skirt? A. It's all a matter of access time! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: fwd: Love cake .... (fwd) > RECIPE FOR LOVE CAKE > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Ingredients: > > 2 Laughing Eyes > 2 Loving Arms > 2 Well Shaped Legs > 2 Firm Milk Containers > 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl > 2 Large Nuts > 1 Large Banana > > Method: > > 1. Look into Loving Eyes. > 2. Fold in Loving Arms. > 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. > 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing > Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. > 5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. > 6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. > > Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and > don't lick the bowl. > > N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately. > > > > > > > > Please dont forget the last warning|||||||||| > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Rabbit's Ph.D Thesis..... > > Rabbit's Ph.D. thesis > > ---------------------- > > > > > > A Parable for Graduate Students > > ------------------------------- > > > > Scene > > ---------------------- > > It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his > > burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. > > > > Along comes a fox, out for a walk. > > > > Fox > > "What are you working on?" > > > > Rabbit > > "My thesis." > > > > Fox > > "Hmmm. What's it about?" > > > > Rabbit > > "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." > > > > (incredulous pause) > > > > Fox > > "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes." > > > > Rabbit > > "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me." > > > > They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the > > rabbit > > returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing. > > > > Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit. > > > > Wolf > > "What's that you're writing?" > > > > Rabbit > > "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves." > > > > (loud guffaws) > > > > Wolf > > "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?" > > > > Rabbit > > "No problem. Do you want to see why?" > > > > The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit > returns > > by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. > > > > > > Scene > > -------------------------------- > > Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones > > In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, > a > > huge lion is belching and picking his teeth. > > > > (The End) > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Moral > > -------- > > It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. > > > > It doesn't matter what you use for data. > > > > What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Accountant jokes * There once was an accountant named Dave * Who nary a cent did he save * Wine, women and song * It didn't last long * His fees he will have to raise. The following are reflections on tax preparation: * Have you ever wondered why people refuse to drop a dime in the Salvation Army Drum, but are quick to list significant miscellaneous cash donations for their itemized deductions? * Have you ever wondered why someone refuses to share their age until they get an extra deduction on their tax return? * Have you ever wondered why someone would refuse to discuss their weight - until they think that the cost of dieting can be considered a medical deduction? * Have you ever wondered why child support is such a contentious issue when everyone wants to claim everyone that they ever knew as a dependent? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Contributed by a banjo playing CPA in Rochester, NY: A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupent out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or to where. Seeing a man walking down the street, he cries out: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?" Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer by says: "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field." "You must be an accountant, sir," replied the balloon's unhappy resident. "How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by. "Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now, " answered the balloonist. How can you tell when an accountant owns a used car lot? She keeps turning back the gas gauge. Did you hear the story about the constipated accountant? He worked it out with a pencil. -------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position and had a variety of individuals applying for the position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question how much is 2+2? The first candidate was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed that the answer was 4. The second candidate was an attorney. He stated that in the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was proven to be 4. The final candidate was a CPA. When asked what 2+2 equaled, the CPA did not respond immediately. He looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair and went to see if anyone was listening at the door. Then he returned to the business owner and said, what would you like it to be? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Hindi Songs for All Occasions > | > > | > > | > There is an old adage that there is a Hindi song for every mood and > | > every occassion. Consider the following situation and songs: > | > > | > > | > Situation: Man sick of working for Elmer's glue co. > | > Song: Ay mere dil kahin aur chal, GUM ki duniya se dil bhar gaya.... > | > > | > Situation: Hijackers of a Pakistani airliner to Milan > | > Song: PIA MILAN ko jaana... > | > > | > Situation: Mendel crossing colored dogs to see if an offspring can > talk > | > Song: Bole re Puppy Hara.... > | > > | > Situation: Hindustani musician pouring out his heart to a cab driver > | > Song: Cabbie, Cabbie mere dil mein khayal aata hai..... > | > > | > Situation: Some people steal a couple of your jokes > | > Song: Inhi logon ne le liya DO PHATTA mera.... > | > > | > Situation: Pakistan occupied Kashmir or Azad Kashmir (depending on > view) > | > Song: Yeh mausam bemisaal, BENAZIR hai, yeh Kashmir hai.... > | > > | > Situation: Dangling Pointer > | > Song: Awara Hoon.... > | > > | > Situation: Memory Fragmentation > | > Song: Is Dil Ke Tukde Hazaar Hue Koi Yahan Gira... > | > > | > Situation: Tokens in a Token Ring Network > | > Song: Musafir hoon yaro, na ghar hain na thikana, mujhe bas chalte > jana > | > > | > Situation: RISC Vs CISC > | > Song: Aa dekhe zara, kis mein kitna hain dum .... > | > > | > Situation: Programmer appreciating a MS-WINDOWS based aplication > | > Song: Mere saam ne wali khidki mein ek chand sa tukda rahta hain. > | > > | > Situation: Replacing LOTUS-123 S/W with a new spreadsheet > | > Song: Phool ahista faiko, Phool bade nazook hote hain. > | > > | > Situation: Parallel Processor > | > Song: Sathi hath badana, ek akela thak jayenga, milkar boj uthana > | > > | > Situation: Uni Processor to Instruction Pipeline > | > Song: Akele hain, to kya gum hain, chaye to hamare bus mein kya > | > nahin,bus ek zara sath ho tera. > | > > | > Situation: vi editor > | > Song: Yeh to hain albela, hazaron mein akela, sada tumne aib dekha > hunar > | > to na dekha. > | > > | > Situation: System clock falling in love with CPU > | > Song: Dil dhadke, mera dil dhadke, koi nahin jane dil kyo dhadke. > ************************************************************************ > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Asking Dad for money (fwd) Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Family Problems Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems ? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Re: little Johnny jokes > > little johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his > teacher picked him to answer a question. > > johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence > and you shot one with your gun how many would be left. None > replied johnny, cause the rest would fly away. > > well the answer is four said the teacher, but i like the way you > are thinking. > > little johnny says, i have a question for you now. if there were > three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, > one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the > third was sucking the cone, which one is married. > > well said the teacher nervously, i guess the one sucking the cone? > > no, said little johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her > finger, but i like the way you are thinking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > The latest Boost ad goes like this: > > ====================================================================== > > Sachin Tendulkar and Vinod Kambli have been very close friends since > childhood. They used to do all things together, e.g., both started > going to school together, both passed their SSC exams together (with > identical marks), both started playing cricket together, both were > selected to the Bombay Ranji cricket team together, both went to > college together, and both ended up joining the Indian cricket team > together. Finally, both got engaged (to different girls) together and > both decided to get married on the same day. > > After that, both their wives get pregnant on the same day and the > doctor gives the same delivery date for both. On the delivery date, > Kambli's wife gives birth to a boy while Sachin's wife gives birth to > twins! Kambli gets confused. He goes to Sachin and says, "How come? > We have been doing the same things all our life. How come I get a son > and you get twins?" When Sachin replies, "Boost is the secret of my > energy", Kapil appears behind them and adds, "Our energy". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Re: The joke. (fwd) > > WHAT IS IT? > This useful tool can only be found in the range of 8" long. > The function of which is enjoyed by both sexes. It usually is > found hung dangling lossely ready for instant action. It boasts > of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at > the other end. In use, it is inserted, amost always willingly, > sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly into a warm, fleshy, moist > opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again, many times, in > succesion often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. > Anyone found listening in, will most surely reconize the rythmic, > pulsing sounds resulting from the well lubricated movements. When > finally wihtdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy frothy, sticky white > substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer > surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. > After everything is done flowing and cleansing liquids have > ceased emanating, it is returned to it's freely hanging state of > rest, ready for yet another bit of action hopefully reaching > its' bristling climax twice or three times daily, but often less. > > > > As you have already no doubt guessed, the answere to this riddle is none > other than your very own tooth brush. > > ps. I know what you were thinking, get that mind of yours out of the > gutter. You should be ashamed of yourself. How could you even think such > a thing. > Don't worry so was I. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > The Dishes > __________ > > Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds > one for a great price, but it's missing a seat, so whenever it > rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seat > should be. > Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet > her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is > outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner > tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a > fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, > but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." > > Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. > Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is > saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs > his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in > front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her > dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back > down, but no one says a word. > > A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the > table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is > furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little > happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. > All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it > starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up > and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his > girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, > > "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Re: He he he, Read this to the end. (fwd) (bit lengthy) > > Thought you might like some of this stuff...reply and let me know. > > > > WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS > > > > Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated > > if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are > > somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. > > Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's > > not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many > > of those who don't have it would like to try it. > > > > It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard > > to get any real work done. > > > > In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information > > considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think > > that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it > > for fun most of the time. > > > > Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people > > would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. > > > > It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this > > interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's > > hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. > > > > If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread > > viruses. > > > > It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too > > much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. > > > > We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size > > and influence warrant. > > > > If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. > > > > It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it > > will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I > > do that?" > > > > It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will > > just do the same damn dumb things it did before. > > > > ************************************************************** > > > > Fuck is such a versatile word > > > > Greetings How the fuck are you! > > Fraud I got fucked by the car dealer. > > Trouble Well, I guess I'm fucked now. > > Confusion What the fuck...? > > Retaliation Up your fucking ass! > > Denial I didn't fucking do it. > > Apathy Who gives a fuck anyway? > > Suspicion Who the fuck are you? > > Directions Fuck off. > > Chronology It's Five-Fucking-Thirty! > > Business I hate this fucking job. > > Oedipal Motherfucker. > > > > The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history: > > > > Where the fuck is all that water coming from? -Captain of the Titanic > > That's not a fucking real gun. -John Lennon > > Who's going to fucking know? -President Nixon > > Any fucking idiot could understand that. -Albert Einstein > > What the fuck was that? -Mayor of Hiroshima > > It fucking does "so" look like her. -Picasso > > How the fuck did you work that out? -Pythagoras > > You want "what" on the fucking ceiling? -Michelangelo > > Fuck a duck. -Walt Disney > > Scattered showers my fucking ass! -Noah > > Pick up the fuckin' phone! -E.T. > > Fuck Logic! -Spock > > I can't breathe in this fucking thing! -Darth Vader > > Fuck I'm hungry! -Ghandi! > > Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try! -Yoda > > > > > > > > > > > > (#####) > > (#########) > > (##########) > > (##########) > > (##########) > > __&__ (##########) > > / \ (##########) > > | | (##########) > > | | (#########) > > | (o)(o) (o)(o)(##) > > C .---_) C (##) "BART! > > | |.===| /__, (##) See! Didn't I tell > > | \__/ \ (#) you how much you > > /__ \ | | ` . would learn in > > / \ \ ooooo ` . Public School?" > > | | \ _/ \_ > > | | \ /' `\ > > ( \ \ / / / \ > > \ \ \ / /`\_`\_ )\ > "Okay Homer, > > / \ \ )/ / ( |/ / Let's show Bart > > / \ \ | / | . ,,/ how to really > > ( \\\\` / / / \ have some > > \ /"" ( `#' ) tasteless fun!" > > \ |\ | | | > > ( /\ \_ ` | ' "Time to Rise & Shine!" > > | / \(.) | | | > > ) ) ( | ) > > | / | | | > > ( |__ | | | > > ( |___; | | | > > (__--___; /'/'/' > > "'"" > > > > "Homer! Wake up!" > > > > > > ************************************************************************** > > O animal lovers! Come to Kenya where men are men and sheep run scared. > > > > One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and > > the big nig was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and > > went to the white Jesuit missionay father and looked at him suspiciously. > > "You have been fucking my wives," he accused the white father, who > > looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the > > difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics > > to the wrathful black. > > "You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, > > "most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among > > them." > > "OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I." > > *************************************************************************** > > > > > > (####) > > (#######) > > (########) > > (#########) > > |\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_ (#########) > > /_ /_ (#########) > > /_ BART !!!!! / (#########) > > /_ \ (#########) > > \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ \ (#########) > > \\ (o)(o)(##) > > \ _C (##) > > |\/\/\/| /___, (##) > > | | \ (#) > > | | | | > > | (o)(o) OOOOOO > > C _) _______________________ / \ > > | ,___| ___| Don't have a cow Mom. | / | > > |___/ \ She lost her pacifier.| ( | | > > / \ ------------------------ | | | > > / \ . . . | | | > > | | | ._|\/ \/ \--. | | | > > | | | \ / | UUUU > > |__|-----| (o)(o) <_. | | > > UUUU |____C / | | > > \ ____)--( \ | | > > | ()() \____/---' | | > > | | /^^^^^^\ | | > > | | / \ \ | | > > > > > > *************************************************************************** > > There was a punk rocker and a nun sat on a bus sat next to each other. > > Every now and again the punk rocker kept teasing the nun and saying > > how he would like to have sex with her because he had never had a nun > > before, but the nun ignored him and kept whispering prayers to herself. > > Eventually the bus conductor came across and told the rocker to stop it, but > > he carried on regardless. Finally the conductor made the rocker move seats, > > but told him "If you're that bothered about having sex with her, i'll give > > you a tip - she goes to the cemetary every night to wait for the holy ghost > > and to pray - go there if you need to". > > The punk was impressed - "thanks mate, i'll do that". That night he > > put a big white sheet over his head, and cut two holes in it for his eyes. > > He waited in the cemetary, and sure enough, the nun showed up just as he had > > been told. The nun was kneeling down in front of a gravestone praying, and > > the punk jumped out with the sheet over his head, saying "I am the Holy ghost > > whoooooaaahhhhhh!!, I am the Holy Ghost" > > The nun could believe what she was seeing - "I've waited for you all my > > life, and now that you've finally come it's the wrong time of the month- > > you'll have to go up the back". > > Sure enough, the punk rocker did the business, and when he was done he > > whipped off the white sheet, and said: > > "HA HA! Punk Rocker!" > > and then the nun whipped off her habit and said: > > "HA HA! Fucking Bus Conductor!" > > *************************************************************************** > > > > A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist > > says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the > > young man wants. > > "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. > > I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having > > dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling > > I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the > > time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his > > purchase and leaves. > > Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her > > parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He > > begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl > > leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious > > person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your > > father is a pharmacist." > > > > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > ########################################################################## > > WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG > > > > Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I called mine SEX. > > Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to > > renew his dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, > > "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he > > didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've > > had sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid. > > > > When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took Sex with me. I told the > > motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. > > He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't > > understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." > > One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before competition began, the dog ran > > away. Another contestant asked why I was just standing there looking around. > > I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold > > my OWN tickets. "But you don't understand" I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on > > TV." He called me a show off. > > > > When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the custody of the > > dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, > > "Me too." > > > > Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A > > cop came over and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 2 o'clock in the > > morning?" I said, "Looking for Sex." > > > > MY CASE COMES UP FRIDAY. > > > > > > ########################################################################## > > > > A Whole Nude World - Theme from Aladdin > > > > > > !Aladdin! > > I can show you my penis, > > Big and sparkling and splendid, > > I can make it extended > > On my magic mattress ride. > > > > I can open your thighs, > > Rock your body like thunder, > > Over, sideways, and under > > On my magic mattress ride. > > > > A whole nude world, > > A new fantastic way to screw, > > Everyone tells me "no," > > I need a blow, > > So I can start my screaming. > > > > !Jasmine! > > A whole nude world, > > My sizzling space you never knew, > > But when you're way down there, > > Engrossed in hair, > > Now I'm in a whole nude world with you. > > > > !Aladdin! > > Now I'm in a whole nude world with you. > > > > !Jasmine! > > Unbelievable size, > > Indescribable squealing, > > Leaning, bending, and kneeling > > At my moist and gaping thighs. > > A whole nude world > > > > !Aladdin! > > Don't you dare close your thighs > > > > !Jasmine! > > A hundred thousand sperm in me > > > > !Aladdin! > > Hold your breath-- it gets better > > > > !Jasmine! > > I'm like a shooting star, > > I've come so far, > > I can't go back to my virginity. > > > > !Aladdin! > > A whole nude world > > > > !Jasmine! > > Every thrust of your thighs > > > > !Aladdin! > > With new positions we can screw > > > > !Jasmine! > > Every moment gets wetter > > > > !Both! > > I'll lick you anywhere, > > Hey, I don't care, > > Let me share this whole nude world with you. > > > > !Aladdin! > > A whole nude world > > > > !Jasmine! > > A whole nude world > > > > !Aladdin! > > That's where we'll be > > > > !Jasmine! > > That's where we'll be > > > > !Aladdin! > > A thrilling taste > > > > !Jasmine! > > Of my hot place > > > > !Both! > > To you from me. > > > > > > 696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696 > > > > Superman had a hard day, so he decided to round up some friends and go to > > the bar for a few beers. > > > > He calls up Batman, but Batman says: "I'm too tired, I busted up 3 gangs > > today and my utility belt broke and the Batmobile needed servicing and.... > > I just want to go to bed." > > > > He calls up The Flash who says: "I got stopped in LA for running with beer > > on my breath. I've sworn off for the moment." > > > > He calls up more super heroes, only to get turned down each time. > > Finally Superman decides that he'll go over and see Wonder Woman. > > He flies over to her house and hovers by the bedroom window and looks in. > > He's amazed to see her lying on the bed nude, face up, writhing with only > > a trilby hat over her face. Superman gets an evil idea. Faster than a > > speeding bullet, he undoes his fly, opens the window, flies in, enters > > her, does his thing, and shuts the window as he flies out (the ultimate > > quickie). > > > > Wonder Woman looks out from under the trilby hat and says: "I wonder what > > the Hell that was?" And the Invisible Man replies: "I don't know, but > > suddenly my asshole hurts." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Re: The brain wave > TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX! > > 10. YOU CAN USUALLY FIND SOMEONE TO DO IT WITH. > > 9. IF YOU GET TIRED, YOU CAN STOP, SAVE YOUR PLACE AND PICK UP > WHERE YOU LEFT OFF. > > 8. YOU CAN FINISH EARLY WITH-OUT FEELINGS OF GUILT OR SHAME. > > 7. WHEN YOU OPEN A BOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHO ELSE HAS > OPENED IT. > > 6. A LITTLE COFFEE AND YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT. > > 5. IF YOU DON'T FINISH A CHAPTER YOU WON'T GAIN A REPUTATION AS A > "BOOK TEASER" > > 4. YOU CAN DO IT, EAT AND WATCH T.V. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. > > 3. YOU DON'T GET EMBARASSED IF YOUR PARENTS INTERRUPT YOU IN THE > MIDDLE. > > 2. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT YOUR BEER DOWN TO DO IT. > > 1. IF YOU AREN'T SURE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK YOUR > ROOMMATE FOR HELP! > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Top Ten Reasons Santa isn't coming this year 10. The Department of Justice charged him with monopolistic practices. 9. He's upgrading to 32-bit gifts. 8. This year, you have to download your gifts via ftp from the virtual gift library 7. He's too absorbed by Bill Gate's new book, "The Road Ahead", to leave home. 6. He wont budge until he gets Copland on his Power Mac. 5. The Sleigh isn't Plug and Play-compatible. 4. He put together the Microsoft/Rolling Stones "Start Me Up" deal and retired on the proceeds. 3. He's busy converting old digital Dispatches into HTML. 2. He's busy answering AT&T and MCI calls to switch his telephone carrier. 1. New name: Santa 96. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The new priest, at his first sermon, was so afraid he couldn't speak. He asked the monsignor how he could relax. The monsignor said, "Next week it might help if you put a little vodka or gin in your water." The next week the priest put vodka in his water and really preached up a storm. After Mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things you should get straight:" 1. There are Ten Commandments, not twelve. 2. There are twelve disciples, not ten. 3. David slew Goliath, he didn't beat the shit out of him. 4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as J. C. and the boys. 5. Next week there is a Taffey Pulling contest contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffey's. 6. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, J. C., and the Spook. 7. Do not refer to the cross as the Big "T". 8. Last, but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, NOT Mary with the Cherry! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive? >>> Her ankles. What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? >>> You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. >>> You could eat a bowling ball if you had to. >>> You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball. How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike? >>> You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them >>> in the gutter and they always come back for more. What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ? >>> Sorority girls cost less per score. What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? >>> About 40 lbs. How do you equalize the two? >>> Feed the elephant. What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? >>> Introduce herself. >>> Walks home. What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? >>> Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? >>> She drops her nail file. What's a sorority girl's favorite wine? >>> "Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi." What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape? >>> Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do... Why is a sorority girl like a door knob? >>> 'Cause everyone gets a turn. How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? >>> Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie >>> on the bed. Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? >>> You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. A sorority girl was hitch-hiking along an empty desert highway. After five or six cars had passed her without even slowing down, she decided she really wanted out of there. She decided the quickest way to get someone's attention was to take off all her clothes. Then came along a motorcycle gang. The gang spotted her, and acted quickly. They drug her off into a side canyon and gang-dressed her. What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage? >>> Garbage gets taken out once a week. >>> Garbage smells better. >>> Sorority girls attract more flies. What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba? >>> Bay of Pigs. What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival? >>> Multiple total eclipses. What is a sorority girl's mating call... >>> "I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!" What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? >>> After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days. What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? >>> Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do. >>> I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people. >>> I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it >>> gets blood. Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has. If your date won't, Tri Delts. Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts. What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ? >>> Drivers will swerve to miss the dog. How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? >>> Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy. >>> 7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke). >>> 65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap. >>> One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her. >>> Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts. Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks? >>> She's been laid all over the country. What three words will a sorority girl never hear? >>> "Attention K-mart shoppers" Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex? >>> So she can fantasize about shopping. What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position? >>> Facing Bloomingdale's. What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl? >>> Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed? >>> The Dead Sea. >>> Lake Placid. How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac? >>> She'll make love the same day she has her hair done. What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth? >>> No makeup. What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda? >>> Nail polish. How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex? >>> Marry her. Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet? >>> Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl? >>> You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl. What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in? >>> "Have another beer." Why does a soroity girl wear underwear? >>> To keep her ankles warm. What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce? >>> Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce. How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike? >>> You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in >>> the gutter and they always come back for more. What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? >>> A circus is a cunning array of stunts. How is a sorority girl like a vacuum cleaner? >>> They both suck. What's the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner? >>> You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it. >>> You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks. >>> When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old >>> bag. >>> A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose. How do you get four sorority girls on one chair? >>> Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it. >>> Turn the chair upside down. What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a sorority girl track team? >>> The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts. What does the Bermuda Triangle and Sorority girls have in common? >>> They both swallow semen. What does a sorority girl make for dinner? >>> Reservations. Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm? >>> So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money. What is foreplay for a sorority girl? >>> Thirty minutes of begging. What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over a priceless Mingase? >>> Oh, Daaaaddy, it's ok, I'm not hurt. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority girl? >>> A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're >>> done already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige...I think I'll >>> paint the ceiling beige." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: BOOOST ! > Sachin Tendulkar and Vinod Kambli have been very close friends since > childhood. They used to do all things together, e.g., both started > going to school together, both passed their SSC exams together (with > identical marks), both started playing cricket together, both were > selected to the Bombay Ranji cricket team together, both went to > college together, and both ended up joining the Indian cricket team > together. Finally, both got engaged (to different girls) together and > both decided to get married on the same day. > > After that, both their wives get pregnant on the same day and the > doctor gives the same delivery date for both. On the delivery date, > Kambli's wife gives birth to a boy while Sachin's wife gives birth to > twins! Kambli gets confused. He goes to Sachin and says, "How come? > We have been doing the same things all our life. How come I get a son > and you get twins?" When Sachin replies, "Boost is the secret of my > energy", Kapil appears behind them and adds, "Our energy". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Re: The Dieter's guide to weight loss during sex > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: > With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 > Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 > Orchestra swelled.............6 > UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang > Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 > Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 > Earth moved..................30 > > Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT: > Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 > Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500 > > ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY: > For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 > Losing erection............14 For men......................72 > Searching for it..........115 > GUILT: > PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training, > With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 > Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the > fact that other people are > INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2 > If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 > Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. > Inexperienced..............73 20 > If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION: > Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 > it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the > dog during foreplay..........14 > > ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for > Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 > kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 > Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 > Man getting permission.....55 > American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT: > By partner's spouse..........60 > SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100 > Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 > Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 > Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 > Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion > 500 > Thanking partner quickly......2 > ORGASM: > Real.......................27 > Faked.....................160 > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Please leave a message, and we will return your call as soon as possible! >: >: > My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll >: leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as >: we're finished. >: >: > Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone >: right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya >: likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... >: real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing >: our teeth we'll get back to you. >: >: > A is for academics, >: B is for beer. >: One of those reasons is why we're not here. >: So leave a message. >: >: > Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent >: the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you >: are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough >: money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a >: female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. >: >: > (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. >: Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a >: veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of >: it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it >: in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath >: sounded. Thou must leave a message. >: >: > Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. >: Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. >: >: > Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain >: silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by >: us. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FRIENDLY FACTS OF LIFE (Special People) " It's funny how life can seem at 4:13 AM... after spending another wonderful day on the rollercoaster from hell we call life. A friend told me that I am not alone in my feelings of remorse, that in my feelings of doubt I am not alone. Others feel my pain? Others have similar doubts about the future? Of course they do, we all have dreams, hopes of a better life away from the horrific parts of life we live. That same friend said that we do what we can to survive in life, that everyone that shares that classroom, dormhall, living center or that life you lead has the same fears and doubts that you do. The BEAUTIFUL girl that lives down your hall that you despise due to the fact that your not as good looking as her. The handsome buddy of yours that the girls flock to because of his dashing looks. That friend of yours who is highly intelligent and gets all the good grades. Your muscle bound friend, your friend that cracks all the right jokes, your friend that has a creative talent you will never possess. All of these people are scared. All of these people are afraid to do some things due to whatever circumstance. WE ARE ALL THE SAME, we DO have different talents, we DO have different skills, it is what makes us special in our own ways. I know this because I have friends in the above groups, and they get stumped on life like everyone else. Maybe they only seem to excell because they stick with whatever they do best, so of course they won't make so many mistakes in that field. We all need someone to talk to, someone to share problems with, someone to just LISTEN. YOU HAVE TALENTS, and you DO have troubles in your life, you just have to stick with it and ride them out. You only what to get through life as easy as possible and with as few of mistakes as you can manage. Another friend mentioned to me that if you look at life in a negative way, you will see only the worst things, the negative things. So you have to look at life in a positive manner to have a good outlook on life. It makes so much sense and it is so easy to do, it's so easy to just look around in a positive manner, to feel good about yourself and your particular talents. It's so easy to do that we tend to miss it completly. All I want out of life is to be happy. To feel secure in my life, in my goals, in my dreams. To look at the people around me, my friends, and feel safe, to be able to trust them with secrets of myself, to be able to trust them. I want what everybody wants, and if we work together, help each other, then I am sure we can reach it together. I have had some rough times in my life, I still do, but I do the best I can to survive. With a little support from my friends, I can make it through. I want you, the people that receive this letter, to send it to people that are close to you, people you spend time with, hang out with, roomates, friends, lovers, people that surround you. Spread it around so people can learn that we are not seperate, we are not segerated from each other. It is up to you to figure out what you want in life, it is up to you on how you live it, positive or negative. You have to be there for your friends and, inturn, they should be there for you. Send this letter to anyone you know, or make one up yourself and send that one. Life is a strange, hard, wonderful place full of dangers and treasures. It is up to you, and you alone on how you act in it, but you aren't alone, not anymore, help those closest to you." "A hundred years from now it will not matter what kind of car you drove, what kind of bank account you had, or what kind of house, but the world will be a better place because you have made a difference in the life of a child..." - the Adam Russell foundation "To children struggling with AIDS we give love, friends, memories, laughter, hope hugs, high-five's, acceptance..." - Camp Heartland Home Page -- http://www.digital.com/cust/camp I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. It's utterly impossible for me to buiold my life on a foundation of chaos, suffering and death. I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness. I hear the approaching thunder. I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that this cruely will end and that peace and tranquillity will return." -- Ann Frank "I smell your scent in my place of recovery." -K. Cobain ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why "MODEM" is better than a Woman? 1. A modem does'nt complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. 2. A modem does'nt mind if you talk to other modems. 3. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. 4. A modem comes with an instruction manual. 5. A modem does'nt mind if you want to ring the same or different modems at any time or for innumerable number of times. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------