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 A 12-year-old American lad asked his father, who was an economics
 professor at Harvard, how American capitalism worked.

 "Well" said his dad, "I make money.  That is Capital.  Your mother
 runs the home.  That is Management, while the maid, who is Labour,
 does the work.

 "You are Production, the result of co-operation between Capital
 and Management, while your baby brother is the Future.

 "That night the lad heard his baby brother crying because his
 nappy was dirty, so he went in search of his mother, but she was fast
 asleep.

 Eventually he decided to wake the maid, only to find his father
 hiding behind her bedroom door.  His father gane him a wallop and
 sent him back to bed.

 The next day he said to his father: "Now I know exactly how
 capitalism works.  "Management is asleep, Capital is exploiting
 Labour, Production is hard hit, and the Future stinks!"


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    52 Good reasons why Beer is Better than Women!!!!

 1.  You can enjoy a beer all night long.
 2.  Beer stains wash out.
 3.  You don't have to wine and dine beer.
 4.  A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
 5.  When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
 6.  Beer is never late.
 7.  A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
 8.  Hangovers go away
 9.  Beer labels come off without a fight.
 10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
 11. Beer never has a headache.
 12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
 14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
 15. A beer goes down easy.
 16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
 17. You can share a beer with your friends.
 18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
 19. Beer is always wet.
 20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
 21. You can have a beer in public.
 22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
 23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
 25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
 26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
 27. When your interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
 28. A beer is always satisfying.
 29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
 30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
 31. A beer does not come with inlaws.
 32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
 33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
 34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
 35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
 36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
 37. You are never embarraessed about the beer you bring to a party.
 38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you
 bought.
 39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
 40. You can shoot a beer.
 41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
 42.  You don't need a license to live with a beer.
 43.  A tree is good enough for a beer.
 44.  Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
 45.  Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
 46.  Beer and "ice" don't mix.
 47.  Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation - it goes along
 happily.
 48.  Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
 49.  Beer is happy to ride in the truck of your car.
 50.  You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
 51.  Beer never complains about a wet spot.
 52.  You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't
 fight.


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                 FINAL EXAM
   
   
   Instructions:   Read   each   question   carefully.   Answer  all
   questions.
   
   Time limit:  2 hours.  Begin immediately.
   
   History:  Describe  the history of the Papacy from its origins to
   the present day, concentrating especially, but  not  exclusively,
   on  its  social, political, economic, religious and philosophical
   impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa.   Be  brief,  concise
   and specific.
   
   Medicine:  You  have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
   gauze, and a bottle of scotch.  Remove  your  appendix.   Do  not
   suture  until  you  work  has  been  inspected.  You have fifteen
   minutes.
   
   Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed  aborigines  are  storming  the
   classroom.   Calm  them.  You may use any ancient language except
   Latin or Greek.
   
   Biology:  Create  life.   Estimate  the differences in subsequent
   human culture if this form of  life  had  developed  500  million
   years  earlier,  with special attention to its probable effect on
   the English Parliamentary System.  Prove your thesis.
   
   Music:  Write  a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it with
   flute and drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.
   
   Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the
   emotional   stability,   degree   of  adjustment,  and  repressed
   frustrations of each of the following: Alexander  of  Aphrodisis,
   Rameses  II, Hammuarabi.  Support your evaluation with quotations
   from each man's work, making appropriate references.    It is not
   necessary to translate.
   
   Sociology:   Estimate   the  sociological  problems  which  might
   accompany the end of the world.  Construct an experiment to  test
   your theory.
   
   Engineering:  The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have
   been placed on your desk.  You  will  also  find  an  instruction
   manual, printed in Swahili.  In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger
   will be admitted to the room.   Take  whatever  action  you  feel
   necessary.  Be prepared to justify your decision.
   
   Economics:  Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national
   debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in  the  following
   areas:  Cubism,  the  Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of
   Light.  Outline a method for preventing these effects.  Criticize
   this  method  from  all  possible  points of view.  Point out the
   deficiencies in your point  of  view,  as  demonstrated  in  your
   answer to the last question.
   
   Political  Science:  There  is a red telephone on the desk beside
   you.   Start  World  War  III.    Report   at   length   on   its
   socio-political effects if any.
   
   Epistemology:  Take  a  position  for or against truth. Prove the
   validity of your stand.
   
   Physics: Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an 
   evaluation  of  the  impact  of the development of mathematics on
   science.
   
   Philosophy: Sketch the development of  human  thought.   Estimate
   its significance.  Compare with the development of any other kind
   of thought.
   
   General   Knowledge:   Describe  in  detail.   Be  objective  and
   specific.


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   Being an Indian, I have the right to fly any airline but Air India. I
have the right to curse workers on Indian airports for the little bit
courtesy I receive and eulogize the clerks and police on other airports
for their rude behaviour. Being an Indian I have the undeniable right to
try to smuggle electronic goods into India and then pay a bribe to get
them officially into India. Oh yes, nobody else is as anguished about the
corrupt practices of the customs officials as I. 

   Being an Indian, I have the right to photocopy entire books, no matter
which country I am in. Being an Indian in the US, I am preoccupied with
finding out which airline is the cheapest to fly to India, which telephone
company is the cheapest to call India and this is what I talk with my fellow
Indians most of the time. Sometimes I find the 78 c/min too expensive to call,
so either I pay a crook a few bucks and talk with my family for half an hour
with the courtesy of the perpetually loss making Indian telephone dept, or I
ask my father to search for a connection in the telephone dept. Being an
Indian, I have the right to buy something which I cannot afford, use it for
some time, then return it for full refund.

   Being an Indian, I must read India Today and other Indian magazines (hidden
clause: I shouldn't have to pay for it) and then lecture for hours how India
is going to dogs. Being an Indian, I have the right to lament India's
performance at Asian Games and Olympics, although I am not good at any sport,
neither do I have a liking for any. I used to love cricket when India was world
champion, but now I despise it because India loses to Pakistan most of the time.


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     The Gift
     ----------

     A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
     birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
     consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
     note...romantic, but not too personal.

     Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and
     bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of
     panties for herself.

     During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
     the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
     contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along
     with this note:

      Darling,

     I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
     wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your
     sister,
     I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short
     ones that are easy to remove.

     These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
     the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
     hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
     smart.

     I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt
     other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
     see you again.

     When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
     away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

     Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I I
     hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

     All my love,


     P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
     showing.


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If GH  can stand for P  as in  Hiccough
If OUGH stands for    O  as in  Dough
If PHTH stands for    T  as in  Phthisis
If EIGH stands for    A  as in  Neighbour
If TTE  stands for    T  as in  Gazette
If EAU  stands for    O  as in  Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU


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    The X = X + 1  Syndrome 
   
     When an Indian professional becomes a 'Non-Resident Indian' in the
     United States, he soon starts suffering from a strange disease. The
    symptoms are a fixture of restlessness, anxiety, hope and nostalgia.
    The virus is a deep inner need to get back home. Like Shakespeare
    said, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."  The medical
    world has not coined a word for this malady. Strange as it is, it
    could go by a stranger name, the "X + 1" syndrome.
   
     To understand this disease better, consider the background. Typically
     middle-class, the would be migrant's sole ambition through school is
     to secure admission into one of those heavily government subsidised
     institutions - the IITs. With the full backing of a doting family and
     a good deal of effort, he acheives his goal. Looking for fresh worlds
     to conquer, his sights rest on the new world. Like lemmings to the
     sea, hordes of IIT graduates descend on the four US consulates to seek
     the holiest of holy grails - the F-1 (student) stamp on the passport.
 
      After crossing the visa hurdle and tearful farewell, our hero departs
       for the Mecca of higher learning, promising himself and his family
       that he will return some day - soon!
  
       The family proudly informs their relatives of each milestone - his
       G.P.A., his first car (twenty years old), his trip to Niagara Falls
       (photographs), his first winter (parkas,gloves). The two years roll by
       and he graduates at the top of his class. Now begins the 'great
       hunt' for a company that will not only give him a job but also sponsor
       him for that 3" X 3" grey plastic, otherwise known as the Green Card.
       A US company sensing a good bargain offers him a job.
    
       Naturally, with all the excitement of seeing his first pay check in
       four digit dollars, thoughts of returning to India are far away. His
       immediate objective of getting the Green Card is reached within a
       year.
    
       Meanwhile, his family back home worry about the strange American
       influences (and more particularly, AIDS). Through contacts they line
       up a list of eligble girls from eligible families and wait for the
       great one's first trip home. Return he does, at the first available
       oppurtunity, with gifts for the family and mouth-watering tales of
       prosperity beyond imagination. After interviewing the girls, he picks
       the most likely (lucky) one to be Americanised. Since the major reason
       for the alliance is his long-term stay abroad, the question of his
       immediate return does not arise. Any doubts are set aside by the
       'backwardnes' of working life, long train travel, lack of phones,
       inadequate oppurtunities for someone with hi-tech qualifications, and
       so on.
  
       The newly-weds return to America with the groom having to explain the
       system of arranged marriages to the Americans. Most of them regard it
       as barbaric and on the same lines as communism. The tongue-tied bride
       is cajoled into explaining the bindi and saree. Looking for something
       homely, the couple plunges into the frenetic expatriate week-end
       social scene compromising dinners, videos of Hindi/regional films,
       shopping at Indian stores, and bhajans.
  
       Initially, the wife misses the warmth of her family, but the presence
       of washing machines, vacuum cleaners, daytime soap operas and the
       absence of a domineering mother-in-law helps. Bits of news filtering
       through from India, mostly from returning Indians, is eagerly lapped
       up.
  
      In discussions with freinds, the topic of returning to India arises
      frequently but is brushed aside by the lord and master who is now
      rising in the corporate world and has fast moved into a two garage
     home - thus fulfilling the great American Dream. The impending arrival
     of the first born fulfills the great Indian Dream. The mother-in-law
     arrives in time: after all, no right thinking parent would want their
     off-spring to be born in India if offered the American alternative.
    
     With all material comforts that money can bring, begins the first
     signs of un- easiness - a feeling that somehow things are not what
     they should be. The craze for exotic electronic goods, cars and
     vacations have been satiated. The week-end gatherings are becoming
     routine.
    
     Faced with a mid-life crisis, the upwardly mobile Indian's career
     graph plateu's out. Younger and more aggressive Americans are
     promoted. With one of the periodic mini recessions in the economy and
     the threat of a hostile take-over, the job itself seems far from
     secure.
    
     Unable or unwilling to socialize with the Americans, the Indian
     retreats into a cocoon. At the home front,the children have grown up
     and along with American accents have imbibed American habits
     (cartoons,hamburgers) and values(dating). They respond to their
     parents' exhortation of leading a clean Indian way of life by asking
     endless questions.
    
     The generation gap combines with the cultural chasm. Not surprisingly,
     the first serious thoughts of returning to India occur at this stage.
     Taking advantage of his vacation time, the Indian returns home to
     'explore' possibilities. Ignoring the underpaid and beaurocratic
     government sector, he is bewildered by the 'primitive' state of the
     private sector. Clearly overqualified even to be a managing
     director/chairman he stumbles upon the idea of being an entrepreneur.
    
     In the seventies, his search for an arena to display his buisness
     skills normally ended in poultry farming. In the eighties, electronics
     is the name of the game. Undaunted by horror stories about government
     red tape and corruption he is determined to overcome the odds - with
     one catch. He has a few things to settle in the United States. After
     all, you can't just throw away a lifetime's work. And there are things
     like taxation and customs regulations to be taken note of. Pressed for
     a firm date, he says confidently 'next year' and therein lies our
     story. The next years come and go but there is no sign of our
     McCarthian freind.
    
     In other words if 'X' is the current year, then the objective is to
     return in the 'X + 1' year. Since 'X' is a changing variable, the
     objective is never reached. Unable to truly melt in the 'Great Melting
     Pot', chained to his cultural moorings and haunted by an abject fear
     of giving up an accustomed standard of living, the Non-Resident Indian
     vacillates and oscillates between two worlds in a twilight zone.
     Strangely, this malady appears to affect only the Indians - all of our
     Asian brethren from Japan, Korea and even Pakistan - seem immune to
     it.
  
  


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      WHEN MAN WAS CREATED, ALL THE PARTS OF THE BODY
  ARGUED OVER WHO WOULD BE BOSS.
  
      THE BRAIN EXPLAINED THAT SINCE HE CONTROLLED THE 
  WHOLE BODY, THAT HE SHOULD BE BOSS.
  
      THE LEGS ARGUED THAT SINCE THEY TOOK THE MAN WHEREVER
  HE WANTED TO GO, THEY SHOULD BE BOSS.
  
      THE STOMACH COUNTERED WITH THE EXPLANATION THAT SINCE
  THE MAN WOULD DIE WITHOUT NOURISHMENT OF FOOD HE SHOULD BE BOSS.
  
      THE EYES SAID THAT WITHOUT THEM, THE MAN WOULD BE HELPLESS,
  SO THEY SHOULD BE THE BOSS.
  
      THEN THE ASSHOLE APPLIED FOR THE JOB.
  
      THE OTHER BODY PARTS LAUGHED SO HARD, THAT THE ASSHOLE
  GOT MAD AND CLOSED UP.
  
      AFTER A FEW DAYS, THE BRAIN WENT FOGGY, THE LEGS GOT
  WOBBLY, THE STOMACH GOT ILL, AND THE EYES CROSSED, AND COULD
  NOT SEE.
  
      THAY ALL GAVE IN, AND MADE THE ASSHOLE THE BOSS.
  
      THAT JUST PROVES THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A BRAIN TO
  BE A BOSS,
  
      YOU JUST HAVE TO BE AN ASSHOLE !!


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Element: woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 160 lbs.

Occurence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

    1) suface usually covered in painted film
    2) boils at nothing, freezes without reason
    3) melts if given proper treatment
    4) bitter if used incorrectly
    5) found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common ore

Chemical Properties:

    1) possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones
    2) able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances
    3) may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male
    4) insoluable in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in
       alcohol
    5) yields to pressure applied to correct points

Uses:

    1) highly ornamental, especially in sports carsTests:
    2) most powerful money-reducing agent known
    3) can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests:

    1) pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state
    2) turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution:

    1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands
    2) illegal to posses more than one except in certain areas (Utah, etc.)



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   Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft,
   Intel, and AMD, in
   case you didn't recognize one (or more?!) of the names) were in a
   high-powered
   business meeting.  During the serious, tense discussions,
   a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
   Bill says, "Oh,
   that's my emergency beeper.  Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to
   take this
   call."  So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking
   into the end
   of his tie.  After completing this call, he notices the others are
   staring at
   him.  Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication
   system.  I have
   an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end
   of my tie.
   That way, I can a take a call anywhere."  The others nod, and the meeting
   continues.
   
   Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts
   beeping.  He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper.  Excuse me,
   gentlemen, this must be an important call."  So Andy taps his
   earlobe and begins
   talking into thin air.  When he completes his call, he notices the others
   staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency
   communication system.
   But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the
   microphone is
   actually embedded in this fake tooth.  Isn't that neat?"
   The others nod, and the meeting continues.
   
   Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry
   emits a
   thunderous fart.  He looks up at the others staring at him and
   says, "Uhh,
   somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  


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       DIL
  yeh paper yeh research yeh advisor ki duniya
  yeh insaan ke dushman night out ki duniya
  yeh daulat ke bhooke schoolon ki duniya
  yeh ms agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai?   
  
  har ek jism ghayal har ek rooh pyaasi
  dimaagon mein uljhan dilon mein udaasi
  yeh university hai ya aalame bad-hawaasi
  yeh ms agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai
  
  yahaan ek khilona hai student ki hasti
  yeh basti hai ya murda paraston ki grihasti
  yahaan par to hai student computer se sasti
  yeh ms agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai
  
  jalaa do ise phoonk daalo yeh journal
  mere saamne se hataa do yeh funeral
  tumhaari hai tumhi sambhaalo yeh eternal
  yeh ms agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai....
  

  


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           ARRANGED MARRIAGE: THE SEARCH FOR BEAUTY
           ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
        ( A collection of tips to find a beautiful wife)
  
  If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the
  time will come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have
  to indulge in wedded bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the
  "Arranged Marriage". You probably left India when you were twenty-one,
  having squandered your adolescence striving to get here.  At this
  point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been out of touch with
  the general Indian female population for more than a decade.  All the
  women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those
  of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.
  
  If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the
  external female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others
  according to the quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for
  you. Before you stop reading, please accept my heartiest
  congratulations on your self control and ideological correctness.  I
  am not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!).
  
  No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have
  enough red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to
  yourselves, that you rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife.
  
  Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it
  is necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most
  disagreement. There will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty
  is in the eye of the beholder!" And you would be partly right.
  
  If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is
  not much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate
  man, for Indian women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the
  world. You have a very large pool to choose from, and you do not need
  much help in choosing, because you can look at each prospective
  bride's face and decide whether she is beautiful or not.
  
  No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good
  figure too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not
  get much physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny,
  tend to be on the overweight side. Why do you think sarees are so
  popular in India? Because they can hide all the embarrassing bulk!
  Some men think that Indian women do not have shapely legs by reasons
  of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the IA (ABCD to
  you politically incorrect guys) women.  They are on par with anything
  I have seen on any other race.  This is because IA women work out and
  take care to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself
  up around here, not if you want to get dates.
  
  If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought
  to the matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask
  intelligent questions to which you already know the answers, and ask
  me, "But why does one NEED a beautiful wife?"  I would reply that
  beauty is a double edged sword. It has its advantages and
  disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.
  
  Advantages of having a beautiful wife.
  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  
  a)  A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than an
  unattractive one. You will be much more tolerant of her faults during
  the initial "adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you will
  not have the heart to get irritated with someone so lovely.  She will
  be much easier to forgive after a fight.
  
  b)  If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactly
  Adonis Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probably
  look like the Swamp Thing, or the Blob.  If you love your unborn
  children, you owe it to them to give them a beautiful mother.
  
  c)  A beautiful wife enhances your social stature.  People will
  look at you and think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such a
  gorgeous babe? He must have something that is not visible on the
  outside!" You will get invited to more parties, especially by men who
  want to spend the evening drooling at her. Conversely, if your wife is
  homely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her to gatherings of
  your friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.
  
  d)  And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife is
  good-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-up
  horniness of the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not be
  even able to get it up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly and
  undignified tactics, like fantasising about Sridevi when you are in
  bed.
  
  Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife.
  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  
  a)  If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and
  chastity are important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical
  research shows that, while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in
  no way indicative of her intelligence, beautiful women are invariably
  very street-smart.  They KNOW that they are good looking, and have got
  used to people bending over backwards to accommodate them. This dawns
  on them very early on in life, when they observe that teachers are
  much nicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when almost
  all the men they encounter behave like brainless, testeterone-driven
  apes in their presense, when they observe that they get things done
  twice as quickly in a government office .
  
  As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of men
  vying with each other for her friendship and affections. She would
  have to be more than human not to have enjoyed the attention. She
  would have played the men one against the other, as women have done
  since time immemorial.  She might have dated, and even had affairs. In
  the process, she would get to know men all too well, and would realize
  that they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking woman.
  
  b)  A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desi
  engineer. She will twist you around her little finger and make you
  jump through hoops. Things will get done her way nearly all the time.
  Of course, it will be fun to jump through hoops for someone as lovely
  as she is.  A homely woman, on the other hand, will usually be so
  grateful to you for marrying her that she will treat you like a king.
  
  c)  As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to be
  particularly virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too much
  virtue often goes hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits.  A
  virtuous woman may also be ugly, weird, boring, hyper-religious or
  frigid.
  
  d)  A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriage
  too. This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does not
  make her off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas.  The more
  lovely a woman is, the more likely is she to be propositioned by her
  male colleagues or friends. Ergo, she is subject to much more
  temptation than her homely counterparts.  Think about this... how
  would it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them? How
  many times would you refuse?
  
  How to go about selecting a beautiful wife.
  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  
  First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to your
  parents. If your parents are anything like mine, they will freak out
  when they hear that their dear devoted son is actually interested in
  earthy things like beauty (and, by extrapolation, sex).  It is not
  considered good form to say that beauty is important to you in Indian
  circles.
  
  Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to your
  parents! Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, coming
  after caste, horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of the
  girl etc. Make it very clear to them that beauty is high on your list
  of priorities. State in no uncertain terms that you will not marry
  anyone who does not measure up to your standards. That will prevent
  them from goofing off during bride-hunting, shirking their
  responsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on you.
  
  Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you to
  marry someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to most
  sons, but the reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later,
  there will be a tussle between her and her daughter-in-law over her
  son's affections and loyalties.  Since women are extremely conscious
  of their looks and tend to rate themselves accordingly, a beautiful
  woman has a psychological advantage over a less attractive one in an
  argument.  Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife will tilt the
  scales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife will
  probably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression.
  So, left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women who
  are less attractive than she perceives herself to be.
  
  Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourself
  that you deserve a beautiful wife. Do not ever think, "But I am not so
  good-looking anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?"
  Since Man started walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth that
  has been traded off for the woman's beauty. Rest assured that your
  looks will be the last thing on a girl's mind when she rates you as a
  prospective husband. (I am limiting myself to arranged marriages
  here).  She will be weighing your earning potential, green-card
  potential etc.  Even in this land of feminism, "Cosmopolitan" has
  articles on "How to hook a rich husband" and "The ten best places to
  meet successful men".
  
  You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years of
  your life getting where you are. You deserve to get something out of
  it. Do not squander your bargaining position. In other words, do not
  be ashamed to make your preference for beauty known.
  
  How to check whether she is beautiful.
  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  
  First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in
  photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make
  HKL Bhagat look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to
  prospective suitors contain only the face. Also, they usually have
  been so air-brushed and sanitized, all the pimples and other
  irregularities removed, that the end product has little in common with
  the original. Also, it is a certain fact that no woman will consent to
  send you photograph that presents herself in an unflattering light.
  
  These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice to
  take an album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageable
  age. These pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern and
  western. The album is then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states.
  During my last visit to India, I learned from an authoritative source
  that many of these pictures are blatant forgeries, involving splicing
  the girl's head on to the figure of some other girl, sometimes
  professional models.  In one case, pictures of a girl's good-looking
  sister were went out instead. Bottom line: do not make a decision
  based merely on photographs!
  
  Darshan.
  ^^^^^^^
  
  Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face
  measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether.  Women have
  conducted more research into packaging themselves than have been
  conducted on the entire US space effort. You should realize that,
  while you were struggling in your engineering program in undergraduate
  on grad school, women were learning the techniques of camouflage. She
  KNOWS that it is her looks that count. By packaging herself so that
  she seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for about 10 minutes,
  she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work to
  realize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about their
  positive and negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws,
  and work systematically towards concealing them.
  
  So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees or
  salwar-kameez, keep your mind open to the possibility that she may be
  overweight.  That fold of her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across her
  midriff might be concealing a paunch. It it is wound demurely around
  her back, she probably has spare tires. Does she walk slowly and
  sedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way across the seas?
  She is probably holding her paunch in.
  
  So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannot
  very well demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageously
  bad form. AND SHE KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem is
  the following. Tell her that she cannot wear a saree in the states,
  that it would be embarrassing for you. Tell her that if she is not
  willing to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular basis, you are
  probably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would like to
  see her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, you
  can be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure,
  she will make damned sure that you see it.
  
  A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavy
  thighs. This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree or
  churidar, it is impossible to check for these, which is why they are
  so popular.  If a woman states that she does not wear pants, warning
  bells should ring in her mind.  One way to check for obesity under a
  saree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom and
  midriff. For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at a
  considerably higher level.  If she dresses so that the bosom does not
  stand out, it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes to
  the same level. Or she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.
  
  Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will make
  damned sure that you will see it.
  
  One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is not
  dressed up is to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that they
  keep out ostentatiously but the ones that they keep tucked away at the
  corner of the shelf. A lot of overweight women go through crash diets
  during the wedding season, starving themselves or going to
  professional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of pounds, to get into
  presentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who lost 60
  pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained it
  all back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 years
  ago should tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.
  
  If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself up
  to look good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you can
  tell. The best way to check for this sort of stuff is to enlist the
  help of a sympathetic, liberated, female, friend, sister or other
  relative. She can easily see through the disguise and give you
  unbiased estimates of the interior. So, if you have a sister, you had
  better start being nice to her.
  
  I hope you will find my article useful. Happy hunting!
  
    


Back to Index

 How to Win Arguments
 
 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
 argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
 steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great
 respect, they don't even invite me.  You too can win arguments.
 Simply follow these rules:
 
     * Drink Liquor.
 
 Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
 on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.  If you're
 drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
 back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls
 your date.  But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover
 you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH
 of information.  You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights
 and possibly upsetting furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some
 may leave the room.
 
     * Make things up.
 
 Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
 Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
 YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch
 of Peruvians be better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
 underpaid."  Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
 adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
 $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
 
     NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
 
 If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT
 up, too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study
 for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read it?"
 Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left
 your soiled underwear in my bath house."
 
     * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
 
     Memorize this list:
 
         Let me put it this way
         In terms of
         Vis-a-vis
         Per se
         As it were
         Qua
         So to speak
 
 You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
 "e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
 not."
 
 Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to say:
 
 "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
 have enough money."
 
 You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you
 say: "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
 Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often,
 so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were.
 Q.E.D."
 
 Only a fool would challenge that statement.
 
     * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
 
 You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back
 at your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:
 
     You're begging the question.
     You're being defensive.
     Don't compare apples and oranges.
     What are your parameters?
 
 This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
 mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
 
 Here's how to use your comebacks:
 
     You say                 As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
     Your opponents says     Lincoln died in 1865.
     You say                 You're begging the question.
 
                  OR
 
     You say                 Liberians, like most Asians...
     Your opponents says     Liberia is in Africa.
     You say                 You're being defensive.
 
     * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
 
 This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
 right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:
 "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or
 "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
 
 So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not try to
 pull any of this on people who carry weapons.


Back to Index

Subject: Fun to be a bachelor

     You all would agree ...

     Life is indeed cruel to men. When they are born their  mothers  get
     compliments and flowers, when they get  married  their  brides  get
     presents and publicity and  when  they  die  their  wives  get  the
     sympathies  and  the  insurance  money. I  sincerely  believe  that
     whosoever termed the fair sex as the weaker sex has done an  unfair
     thing since the weaker sex is indeed the stronger  sex  because  of
     the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.

     The world is full of men who convert this weakness into a  lifelong
     bondage, euphemistically called 'marriage'. Alas, they forget  that as
     bachelors they were longingly looked upon by the weaker sex as 'a
     thing of beauty and BOY forever' and they roamed  around  like a
     rolling stone that gathers no boss. But  unwittingly,  like  fools,
     they rush into a venture where even angels fear to tread. They  are
     perhaps too innocent to realise that marriage is the  name  of  the
     game where the man loses his bachelor's degree and the  woman  gets
     her master's degree.

     But different bachelors have different  compulsions  to  walk  into
     this  bondage. Sometimes   stealing   a   kiss   leads   to   'life
     imprisonment' - a perfect example  of  crime  and  punishment. Some
     others walk into this trap after calculating that it is cheaper  to
     marry a girl and keep her home than not to marry and take her out.

     But those who marry in haste repent in  leisure  also. It  is  true
     that marriages are made in heaven but when the couple join hands on
     the earth it becomes just another union that defies  management. As
     the resonance of the wedding recede into the background the  notes of
     discord start appearing and the  'better  half'  starts  looking like
     the bitter half. It does not take long for the man  to  wonder what
     happened to the girl he married and for  the  girl  to  wonder what
     happened to the man she didn't. But  most  often  the  discord happens
     on account of the average husband's ambition to be able  to afford
     what his wife is spending. As  it  always  happens  in  such cases,
     the joint account is never over-drawn by  the  wife,  it  is always
     under-deposited by the husband.

     Old couples however say that such differences between  husband  and
     wife are only spice of conjugal relationships; for, where there  is no
     difference there must be  a  vast  degree  of  indifference. The
     harmony arising out of love is the essence  that  sustains  marital
     happiness. It has certain well defined secrets. To be happy  with a
     man you must love him a little and  understand  him  a  lot. To  be
     happy with a woman you have to love her a lot and understand  her a
     little. Mutual trust and confidence  is  the  other  touchstone  of
     marital harmony, as every husband expects himself to be his  wife's
     first love while every wife hopes herself to be her husband's  last
     romance.

     In the ultimate analysis, however, marriage  turns  out  to  be  an
     American cafeteria: you  choose  what  you  like  and  pay  for  it
     later. What you  pay  and  how  much  you  pay  depends  upon  your
     luck. For, it takes quite a bit of luck to make  a  wife  out  of a
     woman. Remember! God created Woman after Man, and ever since then she
     has been after man.

          


Back to Index

          
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN ...
    
     When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
    
     When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32
     bits.
    
     When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and
     come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise
     her for omitting the else clause.
    
     When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the 
     next page.
    
     When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
    
     When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
    
     When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone
     and start dialling an IP number...
    
     When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor
     you want
    
     When not only do you check your email more often than your paper
     mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your
     postal one.
    
     When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're
     doing the math in octal.
    
     When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
    
     ...You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line
     in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on
     the next line.
    
     You try to sleep, and think ... "telnet xxx.dreams.heaven"


Back to Index

Bedroom golf
************
     
     
     
The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two 
balls. 
     
Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin. 
     
Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole 
while keeping the balls out. 
     
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may
check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence. 
     
Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid 
damage to the course. 
     
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course 
owner is satisfied. 
     
Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course 
owner.
     
     
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at 
t he course.
Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the 
well-formed bunkers. 
     
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses the have played recently to 
the owner of the course presently being played. 
     
If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to 
find alternate means of play. 
     
It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match. 
     
Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player. 
     
It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that 
you have played the course. . 


Back to Index

          THE COMPLETE COLLECTION OF BLOND JOKES
                              
           --------------------------------------
           --------------------------------------

1.   Q:   What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
     A:   Gifted!

2.   Q:   How do blonde braincells die?
     A:   Alone.

3.   Q:   What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
     A:   Pregnant.

4.   Q:   How do you brainwash a blonde?
     A:   Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

5.   Q:   What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
     A:   Artificial intelligence.

6.   Q:   How does a blonde part their hair?
     A1:  (Action of scissoring legs apart)
     A2:  By doing the splits.

7.   Q:   Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
     A:   Because they can't even keep two calves together!

8.   Q:   What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
     A:   Nothing.  They've never met.

9.   Q:   Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
     A:   Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

10.  Q:   When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
     A:   After a dye job.

11.  Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A1:  She'd just dyed her hair.
     A2:  She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around
      too much.[[A

12.  Q:   Why do blondes wear their hair up?
     A:   To catch everything that goes over their heads.

13.  Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
     A:   You can park in the handicap zone.

14.  Q:   What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
     A:   An IN-body experience!

15.  Q:   Why is a blonde like a turtle?
     A:   They both get f**ked up when they're on their back.

16.  Q:   What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a 
      recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
     A:   Put either of 'em in a car and their f**ked.

17.  Q:   What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
     A:   Humpme Dumpme.

18.  Q:   How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
     A:   Shine a flashlight in their ear.

19.  Q:   How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
     A:   Shine a torch in her ears.

20.  Q:   Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
     A:   It takes too long to retrain them.

21.  Q1   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
     A:   There's white-out on the screen.
     Q2:  How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
     A:   There's writing on the white-out.

22.  Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
     A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.

23.  Q:   What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
     A:   You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go
      down on you.

24.  Q:   What did the blonde think of the new computer?
     A:   She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

25.  Q:   Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
     A:   (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

26.  Q:   How do you kill a blonde?
     A:   Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

27.  Q:   How do blondes pierce their ears?
     A:   They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

28.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
     A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
      little packages.

29.  Q:   What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
     A:   All you can eat, under a buck.

30.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat pickles?
     A:   Because they can't get their head in the jar.

31.  Q:   Why don't blondes eat bananas?
     A1:   They can't find the zipper.
A2:     They cant find the pull tab.

32.  Q:   Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
     A:   They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

33.  Q:   Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
     A:   To put their feet through.

34.  Q:   What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
     A:   Her ankles.

35.  Q:   Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
     A:   Because red means stop.

36.  Q:   Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
     A:   Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

37.  Q:   How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
     A:   By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

38.  Q:   Why don't blondes use vibrators?
     A:   They chip their teeth.

39.  Q:   Why do blondes wear underwear?
     A:   They make good ankle warmers.

40.  Q:   What do blondes do for foreplay?
     A:   Remove their underwear.

41.  Q:   Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
     A:   Cause their balls show!

42.  Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
     A:   "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

43.  Q:   What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
     A:   (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

44.  Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?  
     A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.    

45.  Q:   What's a brunette's mating call?
     A:   Has that blonde gone yet?
     A2:  When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
     A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"

46:  Q:   Why do blondes drive BMWs?
     A:   Because they can spell it.

47.  Q:   Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in
      effect in Canada)
     A:   Because they can spell it.

48.  Q:   What is 74 to a blonde?
     A:   69 plus G.S.T.

49.  Q:   Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
     A:   Toes Go In First.

50.  Q:   Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
     A:   Tits Go In Front.

51.  Q:   What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     A:   An interpreter.

52.  Q:   What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     A:   A mental block.

53.  Q:   How do you change a blonde's mind?
     A1:  Blow in her ear.
     A2:  Buy her another beer.

54.  Q:   What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
     A:   "Have another beer."

55.  Q:   What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
     A:   Pack their lunch and send them to work.

56.  Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
     A1:  Introduces themself.
     A2:  Walks home.

57.  Q:   How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
     A:   Fertilized.

58.  Q:   How does a blonde like her eggs?
     A:   Unfertilized.

59.  Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
     A:   Opens the car door.

60.  Q:   How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
     A:   Kick open the car door.

61.  Q:   Why do blondes like tilt steering?
     A:   More head room.

62.  Q:   Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
     A:   More leg room.

63.  Q:   What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
     A:   Bucket seats.

64.  Q:   What do blondes say after sex?
     A1:  "Thanks, Guys!"
     A2:  "Are you boys all in the same band?"
     A3:  Do you guys all play for the 


Back to Index




 Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
       question?
 Father: Sure son. What's the question?
 Son: What is Politics?

 Father : Well, lets take our home for example. I am a wage earner, so lets
 call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll
 call her  "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The
 People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we
 can call "The Future". Do you understand , Son?

 Son : I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

 That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went to see what
 was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the
 boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to
 the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in the
 bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father
 and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to his sleep.

 The next morning he reported to his father.  Dad, now i think i understand
 what politics is.

 Father : Good Son. Can you explain it to me in your own words?

 Son : Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government
 is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is
 full of crap.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Back to Index

  Raaaaaaaaaaaaabert iss kuttay ko microprocessor may daal do !
  Bit by bit mur jaaya gaa saala!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Raaaaaaaaaaaaabert iss harami ko liquid oxygen may daal do !
  Liquid issay jeenay nahi day gaa, oxygen issay marnay nahi day gaa!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Raaabatt,  Dayna (Diana) ko thoda khatta khila do, yeh
  dayna se daynasour bhi ho jayegi, phir extinct bhi...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Raabatt,  isey thodi shampane pila do, paheley shame sey,
  phir pane sey mar jayegaa...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Raabatt,  isey peekak paisan pila do, yeh more sey
  no-more ho jayegaa...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Mona daarrling, tum Toni ke saath ghuumna band kar do,
  nahin to bahut MonaToni ho jayegee...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  "Raaabert, Harshad Mehta the Bull ka stool test karaao"
  "Kyon boss?"
  "Pata to chale akhir ye Bullshit kya hota hai"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Baas  : Maikal, ise liquid helium mein daal ke 440 V pass kar do. Phir
      yeh superconductor ban jaayega, aur zindagi bhar ticket kaat-ta
      reh jaayega.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Maikal : Baaas, yeh aadmi to kuch bol hi nahin raha hai. Kya karen ?
  Baas   : Ise revaalving chair mein daal do. Pata chal jaayega chakkar
       kya hai.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Raaabert : Boss , Sona kahan hai ?  ( Where is the Gold ? )
  Boss :     Kahin par bhi so jao Raabert !!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Raabert gets a sidey to Ajeet
  Raabert: Baass, humne sidey ko pakad liya
  Ajeet: Ise maar ke pulees station ke saamne rakh do. Aur iske badan
     par ek sui chubha do.
  Raabert: Par sui kyon, baass!
  Ajeet: Bewakoof! Pulees yeh samjhegi ki sui-cide hua hai!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Raabert: Baass, mere teen bacche hue. Unko kya naam doon?
  Ajeet: Ek ka naam rakhna Peter, doosre ka Maikal aur teesre ka Cha Ling Chu
  Raabert: Par Cha Ling Chu kyoon
  Ajeet: Bewakoof, duniya ka har teesra bacchaa Chinese hota hai!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Scene:  Ajeet thoroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.
     Ajeet:  Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
   Raabert:  Magar kyoon baas ?
     Ajeet:  Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Ajeet:  Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger
         istarrt kar do.
   Raabert:  Lekin kyoon, baas?
     Ajeet:  Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Ajeet:  Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
   Raabert:  Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakke maar raha hai.
     Ajeet:  Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone
         milana.
   Raabert:  Yes Boss.
     Ajeet:  (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare
         kabze mein hai .......
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Scene:  Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.
     Ajeet:  Peter, time bomb le aao aur is kutte ko usse bandh do. Timer ko
         theek das baje set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez
         hamesha late karta hai. Iski maut bhi late honi chahiye. Timer
         ko panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof,
         silly fellow, time bomb ko yahan peh mat rakho, yeh to
         'no-smoking' area hai. Ha haa ha. Time bomb 'tic tic tic tic'
         karke bajega.  Aur iska dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhadkega.
         Tum agar paas me khade hoge to tumko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup'
         suanaai dega ..."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
      Ajeet: "Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur
         finish bhi ho jaayega.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Bob: Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
      Ajeet: Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
      Ajeet: "Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal do. Saale
         ko Society jeene nahin degi aur security marne nahin degi.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole
         and water starts coming inside. Raabert is perplexed !
    Raabert: Boss ab kya hoga ??
      Ajeet: Raabert Ek aur hole bana do, aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me OUT
         likh do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chale
         jayega !!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Scene: Ajeet get's hold of his favourite hero & then directs his chela.
      Ajeet: Maikal, Is saale ke ek haath mein laal aur doosre haath mein hara
         rang laga do.
     Maikal: Lekin kyon baas?
      Ajeet: Bewakoof, itnaa bhi nahin jaanta? Jab pulice yehaan aayegi to ise
         range haathon pakad legi. he he he....


Back to Index

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What They say:                          What They Mean:
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Did you come?"                         "Because I didn't."

"I have something to tell you."         "Get tested."

"I'm a Romantic."                       "I'm poor."

"I'll give you a call."                 "I'd rather have my nipples torn
                    off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I never meant to hurt you."            "I thought you weren't a virgin."

"Trust me."                             "Let's just keep this between you
                    and me, pumpkin."

"I love you."                           "God, what have I gotten myself
                    into?"

"I think we should just be friends."    "You're ugly."

"Haven't I seen you before?"             "Nice ass."

"I want to make love."                  "I want to make love."

"Was it good for you?"                  "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"We need to talk."                      "I'm pregnant."

"I had a wonderful time last night."    "Who the hell are you?"

"I've been thinking a lot."             "You're not as attractive as when
                    I was drunk."

"I've learned a lot from you."          "Next"

"I want a commitment."                  "I'm sick of masturbation."

"I think we should see other people."   "I have been seeing other people."

"Let's get married."                    "Does that mean we can do it now?"

"We don't have to do anything until     "Put out or get out."
you are ready"

"I feel its time to express our love    "Give me head."
for each other."

"I still think about you."              "I miss the sex."

"Is there something wrong?"             "Is it supposed to be this soft?"

"You're so mature."                     "I hope you're eighteen."

"Its never been like this before."      "Its my first time."

"Yes...Yes...(scream!)."                "Aren't you done yet?"


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                    Why God Doesn't Have A Ph.D.
1.    He only had one major publication
2.    It was in Hebrew
3.    It had no references
4.    It wasn't published in a refereed journal
5.    Some even doubt he wrote it by himself
6.    It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7.    His cooperative efforts have been quite limited
8.    The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results
9.     He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects
10.  When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning his
subjects
11.  When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample
12.  Some say he had his son teach the course
13.  He expelled his first students for learning
14.  He rarely came to class, and he just told students to read the book
15.  Although there were only ten requirements, most of his students failed
his tests
16.  His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountaintop
                 FINAL EXAM
   
   
   Instructions:   Read   each   question   carefully.   Answer  all
   questions.
   
   Time limit:  2 hours.  Begin immediately.
   
   History:  Describe  the history of the Papacy from its origins to
   the present day, concentrating especially, but  not  exclusively,
   on  its  social, political, economic, religious and philosophical
   impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa.   Be  brief,  concise
   and specific.
   
   Medicine:  You  have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
   gauze, and a bottle of scotch.  Remove  your  appendix.   Do  not
   suture  until  you  work  has  been  inspected.  You have fifteen
   minutes.
   
   Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed  aborigines  are  storming  the
   classroom.   Calm  them.  You may use any ancient language except
   Latin or Greek.
   
   Biology:  Create  life.   Estimate  the differences in subsequent
   human culture if this form of  life  had  developed  500  million
   years  earlier,  with special attention to its probable effect on
   the English Parliamentary System.  Prove your thesis.
   
   Music:  Write  a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it with
   flute and drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.
   
   Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the
   emotional   stability,   degree   of  adjustment,  and  repressed
   frustrations of each of the following: Alexander  of  Aphrodisis,
   Rameses  II, Hammuarabi.  Support your evaluation with quotations
   from each man's work, making appropriate references.    It is not
   necessary to translate.
   
   Sociology:   Estimate   the  sociological  problems  which  might
   accompany the end of the world.  Construct an experiment to  test
   your theory.
   
   Engineering:  The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have
   been placed on your desk.  You  will  also  find  an  instruction
   manual, printed in Swahili.  In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger
   will be admitted to the room.   Take  whatever  action  you  feel
   necessary.  Be prepared to justify your decision.
   
   Economics:  Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national
   debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in  the  following
   areas:  Cubism,  the  Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of
   Light.  Outline a method for preventing these effects.  Criticize
   this  method  from  all  possible  points of view.  Point out the
   deficiencies in your point  of  view,  as  demonstrated  in  your
   answer to the last question.
   
   Political  Science:  There  is a red telephone on the desk beside
   you.   Start  World  War  III.    Report   at   length   on   its
   socio-political effects if any.
   
   Epistemology:  Take  a  position  for or against truth. Prove the
   validity of your stand.
   
   Physics: Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an 
   evaluation  of  the  impact  of the development of mathematics on
   science.
   
   Philosophy: Sketch the development of  human  thought.   Estimate
   its significance.  Compare with the development of any other kind
   of thought.
   
   General   Knowledge:   Describe  in  detail.   Be  objective  and
   specific.


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    FYI: Surds are Sikhs who, for religious reasons, wear turbans
     and never cut their hair.
    
      Q:   How do you measure a surd's intelligence?
      A:   Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!
    
      Q:   Why do surds wear their hair up?
      A:   To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
    
      Q:   HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY?
      A:   Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
    
      Q:   A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal
           his window seat?
      A:   Tell him the seats that are going to London are
           all in the middle row.
    
      Q:   WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
      A:   Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
    
      Q:   How do you make a surd laugh on
           Saturday?
      A:   Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
    
      Q:   What is the surd doing when he holds
           his hands tightly over his ears?
      A:   Trying to hold on to a thought.
    
      Q:   Why did the surd stare at frozen orange
           juice can for 2 hours?
      A:   Because it said 'concentrate'.
    
      Q:   Why do surds work seven days a week?
      A:   So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
    
      Q:   What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had
           already written on the overhead transparency?
      A:   He turned it over and used the other side.
    
      Q:   Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses?
      A:   Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during
        parades.
    
      Q:   How does a surd measure his/her IQ?
      A:   With a tire gauge!  (da da dum)
    
      Q:   How do you make a surd laugh on Monday mornings ?
      A:   Tell them a joke on Friday night !
    
      Q:   How do you confuse a surd?
      A:   You don't. They're born that way.
    
      Q:   How do you keep a surd in suspense?
      A:   (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
    
      Q:   How do you keep a surd busy?
      A:   Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
   
      Q:   Why can't surds make ice cubes?
      A:   They always forget the recipe.
    
      Q:   How did the surd try to kill the bird?
      A:   He threw it off a cliff.
    
     Q:   What's the difference between a surd and a computer?
      A:   You only have to punch information into a computer once.
    
      Q:   Why do men like surd jokes??
      A:   Because they can understand them.
    
      Q:   Why do surds wash their hair in the sink?
      A:   Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
    
      Q:   How many surds does it take to change a lightbulb?
     A1:   "What's a lightbulb?"
     A2:   One. Heholds the bulb and the world revolves around hin.
     A3:   Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
    
      Q:   What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on?
      A:   It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
    
      Q:   What do you get when you offer a surd a penny for his
           thoughts?
      A:   Change.
    
      Q:   What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear?
      A:   A wind tunnel.
    
      Q:   What do you call a surd in an institution of higher
           learning?
      A:   A visitor.
    
      Q:   What do you call a surd with half a brain?
      A:   Gifted!
    
      Q:   What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case?
      A:   Branch Manager.
    
      Q:   What do you call a smart surd?
     A1:   A golden retriever.
     A2:   An indicator of a really bad hangover.
    
      Q:   What do you see when you look into a surd's eyes?
      A:   The back of his head.
    
      Q:   What do you do when a surd throes a hand grenade at you?
      A:   Pull the pin and throw it back.
    
      Q:   What do a bowling ball and a surd have in common?
     A1:   Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
     A2:   You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw 
            them
           in the gutter and they'll always come back.
    
      Q:   What does a surd and a beer bottle have in common?
      A:   They're both empty from the neck up.
    
      Q:   What is surd's cheer?
      A:   " I'm surd, I'm surd, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
           I'm surd, I'm surd, yea yea yea..."
    
      Q:   Why are surds hurt by peoples words?
      A:   Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
    
      Q:   Why can't surds put in light bulbs?
      A:   They keep breaking them with the hammers.
    
      Q:   When is it legal to shoot a surd in the head?
      A:   When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
    
      Q:   Whats the difference between a Surd and a Supermarket
           Trolley.
      A:   A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
    
      Q:   What was the surd psychic's greatest achievment?
      A:   An IN-body experience!
    
      Q:   Why is the surd's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
      A:   It swells at night.
    
      Q:   A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
           cut it in six or twelve pieces.
      A:   "Six, please.  I could never eat twelve pieces."
    
      Q:   What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
      A:   A surd parade.
    
      Q:   GUY ASKED HIS SURD WIFE"HOW DID YOU GET THE CAR IN THE 
            LIVING ROOM"?
      A:   She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."
    
      Q:   SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING.
      A:   He said "Yes, I've seen it done."
    
      A surd's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
         "I don't have to think -- I'm surd!"
    
      SURD #1:  "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
      SURD #2:  "No, who wrote it?"
    
      What about the surd wife who gave birth to twins?
      Her husband is out looking for the other man.
    
     SURD:  "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
     MAN:  "It's 3:15."
     SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest 
            thing,I have been asking that question all day, 
            and each time I get a different answer."
       Two surds observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
       their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
    
       Surd#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
    
       Surd#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
       to rain and the top is down!
    
         Did you here about the surd that stayed up all night to see
         where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
    
      A surd was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw
      a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
      he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
    
      On his way home the same surd drove past another sign that said
      "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time he drove eight miles,
      he had cleaned 43 restrooms.
    
      Three surds are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
      them decides to call 911:
       Surd:   We need help. We're three surds changing
           a light bulb.
       Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
       Surd:   Yes.
       Operator: The power in the house in on?
       Surd:   Of course.
       Operator: And the switch is on?
       Surd:   Yes, yes.
       Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
       Surd:   No, it's working fine.
       Operator: Then what's the problem?
       Surd:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
           we all fell and hurt ourselves.
    
        Did you hear what the surd who was opening a new bar said when 
his
        lawyer explained to his that he needed a liquor license?
    
        "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
    
       There was a surd driving down the road listening to the radio.
     The announcer was telling surd joke after surd joke until the surd
     was mad enough he turned his radio off. A mile down the road, he saw
     another surd out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The surd stopped
     his car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's surds like you that
     give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give yo
u
     what's coming to you!"
   


Back to Index

 

   What (s)he said:                             What it really means:


You'll be using one of the                    I used it as a grad student.
leading textbooks in this field.

If you follow these few simple rules,         If you don't need any sleep,
you'll do fine in this course.                you'll do fine in this course.

The 'gist' of what the author is              I don't understand the details
saying is what's most important.              either.

Various authorities agree that...             My hunch is that...

The answer to your question is                I don't know.
beyond the scope of this class.

You'll have to see me during my               I don't know.
office hours for a thorough answer
to your question.

In answer to your question, you must          I REALLY don't know.
recognize that there are several
disparate points of view

Today we are going to discuss a               Today we are going to discuss
most important topic.                         my dissertation.

Unfortunately, we haven't had the             I disagree with what roughly
time to consider all the people who           half of the people in this
made contributions to this field.             field have said.

Any questions?                                I'm sick of talking to y'all.

The implications of this study                I don't know what it means
are clear.                                    either.

The test scores were generally good.          Some of you managed a 'B'.

The test scores were a little                 Where was the party last night?
below my expectations.

Before we begin this lecture for              Has anyone opened the text yet?
today, are there any questions
on the previous material?

It's been very rewarding to teach             I hope they find someone else
this class.                                   to teach it next year!



Back to Index

 
              For Mature Mathematicians
 
  Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling
  across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a
  singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother
  had made it an absolute condition that she must never, ever enter
  such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had
  changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly
  badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was
  insufficient, and made her way in amongst the complex elements.
 
  Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents
  approached her surface, and she became tensor and tensor. Quite
 suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single
  point. She oscillated violently, became unstable, lost all sense of
  directrix, tripped over a square root that was protruding from the
  erf, and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. She was completely
  divergent by the time she reached the turning point. When she
  rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone
  in a non-euclidean space.
 
  She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was
  lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear
  coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered,
  was she convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.
 
  Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly
  Pi approaching with his lower series extended. She could see at
  once his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms, and knew he
  was irrational. "Arcsinh!" she gasped.
 
  "Hey, what's your sine?" he asked. "What a symmetric set of
  asymptotes you have!"
 
  "Stay away from me!" she protested. "I haven't got any brackets
 on!"
 
  "Calm yourself, my dear!" said the smooth operator. "Your fears are
  purely imaginary."
 
  "i, i, ..." she thought, "Prehaps he's not normal, but homologous."
 
  "What order are you?" the brute suddenly demanded.
 
  "Seventeen," replied Polly.
 
  Curly leered, "I suppose you've never been operated upon?"
 
  "Of course not. I'm absolutely convergent!" Polly replied quite
  properly.
 
  "Come on," said Curly: "Let's go to decimal place I know of, and
  I'll take you to the limit."
 
  "Never!" gasped Polly.
 
  "Abscissa!" he swore a violent oath. Coshing her over the
  coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her
  discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began
  smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly Nomial! The
  algorithm method was now her only hope. She felt him approaching
  her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
  There was no mercy; Curly was a heavy side operator. His radius
  squared itself and Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts.
  He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he
  performed Runge-Kutta on her. He even went all the way around and
  did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he
  satisfied her hypotheses, then he exponentiated and became
 completely orthogonal.
 
  When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no
  longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several
  places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months
  went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, they
  took her to L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological
  function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to
  deviation.
 
  The moral of this tale is: "If you want to keep your expressions
  convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom."
 
 


Back to Index

  A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.  The doctor asked,
"What can I
  do for you?"  The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"  The doctor
  looked puzzled but agreed.  When the couple had finished, the doctor said,
  "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged
them
  $32.00.  This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an
  appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave.  Finally the doctor
  asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"  The old man said,
  "We're not trying to find out anything.  She is married and we can't go to
her
  house.  I am married and we can't go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges
  $60.00.  The Hilton charges $78.00, we do it here for $32.00 and I get back
  $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the Doctor's office."



Back to Index


          TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!
 10. YOU CAN USUALLY FIND SOMEONE TO DO IT WITH.
  9. IF YOU GET TIRED, YOU CAN STOP, SAVE YOUR PLACE AND PICK UP
     WHERE YOU LEFT OFF.
  8. YOU CAN FINISH EARLY WITH-OUT FEELINGS OF GUILT OR SHAME.
  7. WHEN YOU OPEN A BOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHO ELSE HAS
     OPENED IT.
  6. A LITTLE COFFEE AND YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT.
  5. IF YOU DON'T FINISH A CHAPTER YOU WON'T GAIN A REPUTATION AS A
     "BOOK TEASER"
  4. YOU CAN DO IT, EAT AND WATCH T.V. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
  3. YOU DON'T GET EMBARASSED IF YOUR PARENTS INTERRUPT YOU IN THE MIDDLE.
  2. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT YOUR BEER DOWN TO DO IT.
  1. IF YOU AREN'T SURE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK YOUR
     ROOMMATE FOR HELP!


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Comments and suggestions Mail adivi@mama.indstate.edu