101 WAYS TO KEEP YOURSELF SMILING , ONE OF THEM IS READING JOKES
READ THEM AND SMILE!!

Disclammer

Matematicians and plumbers

 One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down. He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before. The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. 

 "This is one third of my monthly salary!" he yelled. 

 Well, he paid and then the plumber said to him:

 "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

     So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

     One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber
has to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. 

The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he forgot the formula. He started to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he
forgot. 

As a result he got "minus pi times r square". He didn't like the minus, so he started
all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper: 
     "Switch the limits of the integral!"


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About Mother


Something worth mentoning to all of you out there
Mum's The Word

When you came into the world, she held you in her arms.
        You thanked her by wailing like a banshee.

When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you.
        You thanked her by crying all night long.

When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk.
        You thanked her by running away when she called.

When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with
love.
        You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.

When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons
        You thanked her by coloring the dining room table.

When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays.
        You thanked her by plopping into the nearest pile of
mud

When you were 6 years old, she walked you to school.
        You thanked her by screaming,

When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball.
        You thanked her by throwing it through  the
next-door-neighbor's
window.

When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream.
        You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons.
        You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old, she drove you all day,
from soccer to gymnastics to one birthday party after
another.
        You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never
looking
back.

When you were 11 years old, she took  you and your friends
to the
movies.
        You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old,  she warned you not to watch
certain TV
shows.
        You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.

Those Teenage Years

When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming.
        You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp.
You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a
hug.
        You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to driver her car.
        You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an important call.
        You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation.
        You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.


Growing Old and Gray

When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition,
drove you to campus, carried your bags.
        You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm
         so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your
friends.

When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone.
        You thanked her by saying, +ACI-It's none of your
business.

When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your
future.
        You thanked her by saying, I don't want to be
like
you.

When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation.
        You thanked her by asking whether she could pay
        for a trip to Europe.

When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first
apartment.
        You thanked her by telling your friends it was ugly.

When you were 24,  she met your fiance and asked about your
plans
for the future.
        You thanked her by glaring and
growling,Muuhh-ther,
please

When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding,
and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you.
        You thanked her by moving halfway across the
country.

When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby.
        You thanked her by telling her, Things are
different
now.

When you were 40, she called to remind you of an relative's
birthday.
        You thanked her by saying you were really busy
right
now.

When you were 50,  she fell ill and needed you to take care
of her.
        You thanked her by reading about the burden  parents
        become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died.
And everything you never did came crashing down like
thunder.

i-Rock me baby, rock me all night long.




The hand who rocks the cradle ... may rock the world+ACI-.

Let us take a moment of the time just to pay tribute and
show appreciation to the person called MOM
though some may not say it openly  to their mother.

There's no substitute for her.
Cherish every single moment.

Though at times she may not be the best of friends,
may not agree to our thoughts,
she is still your mother+ACEAIQAh-

She will be there for you ... to listen to your woes,
your braggings, your frustations, etc.

Ask yourself ... have you put aside enough time for her,
to listen to her +ACI-blues+ACI- of working in the
kitchen, her tiredness???

Be tactful, loving and still show her due
respect though you
may have a different view from hers.

Once gone, only fond memories of the past and
also regrets  will be left.

DON'T TAKE FOR GRANTED THE THINGS CLOSEST TO
YOUR HEART.
LOVE HER MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
LIFE IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT HER..

So Love your Mother


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Intellectually Challenged

There is always someone more intellectually challenged than you
are...read on...

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and
pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and
she
said
she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card
number,
so
she was using the ATM "thingy."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into
itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not
turn on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all
she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the
same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open
it and read it."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience a store would have a battery for
this?" 
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took
the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries... it's a long walk."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont
was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not
stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This person had a broken lamp that he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move
the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the
lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first, however, and I
found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered
said,
"Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
-- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was
somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a
woman  had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She
telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher
broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was
first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home
from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help,
and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"


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If Dear Abby were Dear Bob.... (bundy Style)


Dear Bob:

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid
he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to
increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few
other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best
thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.


Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful
affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look
back at how emotional and  happy the man is when he returns to his
stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
behavior.


Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my
sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of
you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being
an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with
your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal and don't  mention this aspect of his behavior.


Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives
a great glow to the skin.  Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer
to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do
is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you
may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at
flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice
expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.


Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no
time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs
rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his
love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on
him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on  by you that
he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more
he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present,
and cooking him a nice meal.


Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you
in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a  myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit.  Don't
mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice
expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.


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PC OverClocking


When Joe Celery upgraded his home computer system, he ended
up with a machine that was hotter than he bargained for.

Joe Celery was a member of an elite group of computer enthusiasts that call
themselves the "3l1t3 0v3rCl0cK3rz Gu1Ld". The group's focus is a technique
called "overclocking", which is a technical term for running a system faster
than it is rated. Some overclockers do it to save money, but many, like Joe
Celery, overclock for fame.

"I started out with a [Intel Corp. Celeron(tm)] 450A [300A processor
overclocked to 450MHz," Mr. Celery stated in an exclusive interview from his
hospital ward. "Sure, it ran Quake II real fast, but that wasn't enough. So
then I tried watercooling."

Using approximately $500 worth of supplies, including copper tubing and a
small air conditioner, he managed to get his computer to run as fast as one
with a Pentium II chip that cost almost $300 more than his Celeron(tm)
processor. It would process millions of instructions per second for as long
as an hour before crashing.

He continued, "it was an incredible success. But I just wasn't satisfied. I
wanted more." His next exploit involved a stack of Peltier cooling elements,
flat devices that electrically transfer heat from one surface to another.
The Peltier elements allowed him to crank his watercooling setup another
10%, to match the performance of a Pentium II chip costing $500 more than a
stock Celeron. It used only $300 worth of Peltier elements, as well as the
original watercooling apparatus.

Celery was markedly silent on how, exactly, he ended up in the hospital.
After half an hour of prodding, he finally admitted what his latest creation
was: "I tried to cool my system with hydrogen gas. It worked, until my hard
drive spun up."

The resultant explosion caused approximately $15,000 worth of damage to
Celery's neighbors' homes, notwithstanding the destruction of his own home.
Analysts estimate the amount of damage was greater than the damage possible
if a Pentium III Xeon chip costing $1000 more than Joe Celery's Celeron(tm)
chip was used.

Celery left us with this final comment: "my next computer is going to be a
Macintosh."


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Boy Scouts Meet the Army


This is an actual interview between a female broadcaster from
National Public Radio with US Army General Reinwald who was about
to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation
deserves to be shared. Obviously, Reinwald is one of those generals
we should have more of. His comments represented the "perfect
squelch." I hope you will enjoy them as much as I did.

NPR INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going
to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper
rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?"


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Way You Think


A teacher was helping her students with a math problem.  She
recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting
on a wire.  A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds
are left on the wire?"

A boy pauses.  "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently.  She
holds up three fingers.  "There are three birds sitting on a wire.
A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds
are left on the wire?"

"None!" the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs.  "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird,
he scared the other two away."  "Well," she says, "it's not
technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question.  There
are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles.  One woman
is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and
one is sucking the popsicle.  Which one is married?" he asked.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed
in agony, turning three shades of red.  "C'mon," the boy said
impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and
one is sucking.  Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring
on.  But I like the way you think!"


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Woh H Y D E R A B A D!


Woh radhey shyaam ki pani puri, woh chit chat ki chaat,
Woh Softy ki ice cream, Wah usme thi kuch baat.

Woh pulla reddy ki mithai, woh kamat ka dosa,
Woh Gokul ki pav bhaji aur Ramser ka samosa.

Woh local bus ka 'suffer', woh tank bund ki hawa,
Woh dutch roses ke kante aur lumbini park ka sama.

Woh december ki zara si sardi, woh baarishon ke mahiney,
Woh garmi ki chuttiyan, jab chute te they paseeney.

Woh holi ki masti, woh navratri ka garba,
Woh divali ke patakhe aur ganpati ka shor o sharaba.

Woh necklace road ka mohol, woh Gandipet ki leheren,
Woh doobte suraj ka nazara, Wah uske kya kehene.

Woh Best Bakers ke curry puff, woh blue sea ka chai,
Woh Garden(restaurant) ke lukmi biscuit, woh galliyon ka rabdimalai".

Woh bachpan key yaaden, woh gotion kaa khel,
Woh Indira paark ke jhaadiyan, jahaa hothey they mel.

Woh Minerva ka pop corn aur Stop n Shop mein shopping,
Woh James Street ka nazara aur Ameer pet ki building.

Woh Sangeet cinema ke queue, woh black ki pink ticket,
Woh Parade ka maidan, jahan bachche practice karte hain cricket.

Itni cheezen kehene ke baad, aur kitni karoon mein abaad,
Yeh shehar hain mera apna, jiska naam hai H Y D E R A B A A A D!!!
_____________________________________________________
I hope you went back to those Sweet memorable days.



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Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great", he said "I want to 
write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to 
on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, 
howl in pain, desperation and anger!"
.
.
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.




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New Year Greeting Messages


Dear all,

   Extraordinary wishes for the New year

   May you get a bunch of e-mails everytime you check your mailbox.

   May your hair, your teeth and your stocks not fall; and May your blood
pressure, your
   triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage

interest not rise.

   May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, proctologist, your
podiatrist, your
   psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.

   May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour
in less than an hour,
   and when you get there May you find a parking space.

   May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table,

together with your
   beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You

will find the food
   better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure
much more fulfilling
   than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

   May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an

end, the lights work,
   the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.

   May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your
account is in order, your
   money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor.

   May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of
ours manage to get
   itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of
sand.

   May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you
delight them.

   May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish
dinner, and May your check
   book and your budget balance, and May they include generous amounts for
charity.

   May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse,
your child, your
   parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your
hairdresser or your tennis
   instructor.

   May we live as intended, in a world at peace and the awareness of the
beauty in every sunset,
   every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful,
astonishing, miraculous
   beat of our heart.

   Have a GREAT Year

   With Best Wishes


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Upgrade of wife 1.0


****** BUG WARNING ******
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before 
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the 
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming 
insufficient resources.

****** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ******
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system 
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, 
beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry 
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an 
anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be 
downloaded from the UseNet.

******************
Wife1.0 Upgrade (((( AUTHOR UNKNOWN))))
----------

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found 
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other 
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning 
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention 
of this particular phenomena was included in the productbrochure or the 
documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be 
expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization 
where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some 
applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no 
longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected 
(even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of 
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. 
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A 'Don't remind me again' button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the 
option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system 
resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow 
the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by 
sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. 
Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You 
must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing 
bug which I should have been aware of.

Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the 
I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work 
very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up 
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0


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8 year-old's Look at life



Morris asks his son, aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.  Then at age 8
you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!  If you're going
to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
left to live for!



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Want to be a billonaire?


I've discovered a foolproof way to make billions of dollars and take
controlling interest in the major corporation of your choice.  I'll share my
secret with you, since I'm all done using my system (hint: if you want to
buy any corporation known by three capital letters... forget it.).

Step 1:

Find somebody you trust to work with you as your partner.  Your wife is a
good choice, although in a pinch your pet hamster will suffice.

Step 2:

Create a dot.com company.  Building a company with strong technical
underpinnings and lead by a passionate and visionary leader is best.
However, you can also cycle through e-word.com, choosing word's from the
dictionary until you find one which isn't used.  Whatever.

If you find all the names are used, try the dictionary of a foreign
language.

Step 3:

Go public!  Issue 1,000,000,000 shares of stock.  Keep 999,999,999 shares
for yourself, and sell the other share.

Step 4:

Have your partner buy that share for $100.

Step 5:

Party!!!!!  You now have a $100 billion market cap.  Make sure you give
interviews to Time, WSJ, and so forth.  (If you don't understand why you
have a $100 billion market cap, please close your AOL account and go back to
your day job; this system isn't for you.)

Step 6:

Buy the company of your choice, using your $100 billion in stock.  (Note:
avoid companies created using this system.)

Step 7:

Retire.  You've worked hard, and you deserve it.

DISCLAIMER:

This system may not work for everyone.  Consult an attorney.


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Source code for windows 2000


/*  Source Code to Windows 2000   */

     #include "win31.h"
     #include "win95.h"
     #include "win98.h"
     #include "workst~1.h"
     #include "evenmore.h"
     #include "oldstuff.h"
     #include "billrulz.h"
     #include "monopoly.h"
     #define INSTALL = HARD

     char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

    void main()
        {
             while(!CRASHED)
              {
                  display_copyright_message();
                  display_bill_rules_message();
                  do_nothing_loop();
                  if (first_time_installation)
                     {
                            make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
                            do_nothing_loop();
                             totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
                             search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
                             make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
                            disable_Netscape();
                            disable_RealPlayer();
                            disable_Lotus_Products();
                            hang_system();
                  }

                   write_something(anything);
                   display_copyright_message();
                  do_nothing_loop();
                  do_some_stuff();

                 if (still_not_crashed)
                   {
                       display_copyright_message();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                        basically_run_windows_3.1();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                        do_nothing_loop();
                     }
               }

                if (detect_cache())
                    disable_cache();

               if (fast_cpu())
              {
                     set_wait_states(lots);
                     set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
                   set_mouse(action, jumpy);
                      set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
             }

              /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1");    */
              /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11");   */
              /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95");     */
                /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
              /* printf("Welcome to Windows 98");     */
                /* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
                printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

                 if (system_ok())
                    crash(to_dos_prompt)
                else
                     system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp",   O_CREATE);

                 while(something)
                {
                     sleep(5);
                     get_user_input();
                     sleep(5);
                     act_on_user_input();
                     sleep(5);
                 }
                create_general_protection_fault();
           }



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Song for all


There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed,
Some forever, not for better,
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments,
With lovers and friends I still can recall,
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life Iíve loved them all.
Though I know Iíll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know Iíll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.



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BEG.Com


  Three beggars were begging in New York  City.
The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received  ten
bucks after one day.
The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and  after one day he received 
hundreds of thousand dollars.  Someone even  wanted to take him to NASDAQ.
The third one wrote "e-beg" on his  cup.  Both IBM and HP sent
vice-presidents to talk to him about a  strategic alliance and offeredhim 
free professional  consulting.


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Ugadi Kavita (in Telugu)


Happy Ugadi

Maavi chigurulato Manchi kaburulato
Kokila raagalato Kammani geetalato
Vastondi maro kotha samvatsaram
Palakaali daaniki suswagatham
Madhura bhaavalato Manjeera naadalato
Kottha aasalato
Vachche ee vikrama nama nuthana samvatsaram loo
Tevaali aanadaalu Manakosam

UGADI SUBHAKANKSHALATHO... 


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Mixed two liners



1st thief : Oh The police is here. Quick Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry this is no time for superstitions.
    ___________________________________________________
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
    ___________________________________________________
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask f I can take this
           train to KualaLumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
    ___________________________________________________________
Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is
green and one is blue with red spots
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the
same at home.
    ______________________________________________________
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
the game went into extra time.
    ______________________________________________________
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
    _______________________________________________________
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
   _______________________________________________________
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you
give me  a ring?"
Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
    ______________________________________________________
    A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there
was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on
his table and shouted, "Order, order.order" The drunkard
immediately responded, "Thank you,your honour, I'll have a
scotch and soda."
    _____________________________________________________________
'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'
'What happened then?'
'We met.'
    ___________________________________________________________
Customer : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to
    Brighton in two days'time?'
Post Master : 'Well it might do.'
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to London.

______________________________________________________________
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

_______________________________________________________________

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in
the field"
Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher : How ?
Student : Ladies first.


_______________________________________________________________

  Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
  Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Friend 1 : Where did you born ?
Friend 2 : India.
Friend 1 : India? Which part?
Friend 2 : No, the whole body.
-----------------------------------------------------------------


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Women's English


 Yes = No
 No 	= Yes
 Maybe 	= No
 I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
 We need = I want
 It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
 Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
 We need to talk = I need to complain
 Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
 I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
 You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
 Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
 This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
 I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
 Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
 I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
 Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
 How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
 I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
 Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
 You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
 Are you listening to me!? =  Too late, you're dead
 Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
 I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
 The same old thing = Nothing
 Nothing = Everything
 Everything = My PMS is acting up
 Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a jerk


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Women are like...

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa. She is
half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of  20 - 30 a woman is like America, fully
discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of  30 - 35, she is like India & Japan, very
hot, wise and beautiful

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France. She is
half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany. she lost the
war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia, very wide,
very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like  England, with a
glorious past but no future.



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Problems In Dodge City

One fine summer morning in Dodge City, Chester the deputy woke up
with a huge erection. Not knowing what to do, he consulted
Marshall Dillion.

"Marshall, Marshall...", said Chester, "I woke up with a hard-on
and don't know whut ta do!!". Marshall Dillon tells Chester
"Well, go out to the stables and shovel manure for a while and
that should take care of it".

So Chester begins shoveling.

After a while, Miss Kitty comes walking by and asks "Chester,
what are you doing?".

"Well, Miss Kitty, I woke up with a hard-on and I didn't know
whut ta do wid it. Marshall Dillon told me to come out chere
and shovel manure for a while."

Raising her dress enough to expose herself Miss Kitty exclaims
"Why don't you just stick it in here, Chester?"

Chester says "The whole shovel full, Miss Kitty??"


2 Rules of Success


There are two rules for being successful:
1) Do not tell everything you know.


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Women: What that mean when they say.

 
You just can't win WOMAN

If you kiss her, you are not a gentlemen,
If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree with all her likes, she is abusing,
If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an experienced man,
If you don't, you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks you are too boring,
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad,
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you do not respect her,
If you don't, she'll think you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complained it's too hard to wait,
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel,
If she's visited by another, oh! It's natural we are girls.
If you kiss her once in a while, she project as you are cold,  
If you kiss too many, she yells you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her crossing streets, you lack ethics,
If you do, she thinks it's just one of man static.
If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting,
If she is stared by others, she says they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

Oh! God, you created those creatures called "WOMAN"
So simple, yet so complex.
So weak, yet so powerful.
So confusing, yet so desirable.
O lord tell me what to do???  


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---------------------------------------------------------------


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Comments and suggestions Mail adivi@mama.indstate.edu