101 WAYS TO KEEP YOURSELF SMILING , ONE OF THEM IS READING JOKES
READ THEM AND SMILE!!

Disclammer

IMPROVING ENGLISH SPELING

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.


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=============================================================================== Q: A guy walks into a pet store wanting to buy a talking bird. He sees a parrot and says to the bird, "Hey, can you speak, Stupid?"

A: And the bird replies, "Yes, can you fly, Dummy?"

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Did you hear about the two blondes from New York drove down to Disney World? When they saw the sign on the road that said 'Disney Left', they turned around and went home. ===============================================================================

Quick Thinking!

Removing his shoes, he climbed the stairs, opened the door of the room, entered, and closed the door after him without being detected. Just as he was about to get into bed, his wife , aroused from her slumber, turned and sleepily said, "Is that you Fido?" The husband, relating the rest of the story said:"For once in my life I had real presence of mind. I licked her hand." ===============================================================================

An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude. The wife says "Oh Harold this is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!" To which he replies "Well they ought to Gladys one's a hangin' in your oatmeal, the other's in your coffee!"

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Look out for the PRIEST's ASS.....

A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest figured that since he had the donkey anyway, he may as well go ahead and enter it in the races. Much to his suprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the daily racing form carried the headline "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS".

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again the following day. This time the donkey won! The next day the racing form read "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT".

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he told the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day read "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS".

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal at once. The priest decided to give it to the nearby convent. The headlines that afternoon read "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN".

The bishop fainted! He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey immediately. She found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10. The next day the paper headlines stated "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS".

They buried the bishop that afternoon, and on the day following the funeral the headlines read "TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH".


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Subject: For Sherlock Holmes fans!! (fwd)

Strictly for Sherlock Holmes'Fans

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in the tent.

Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"

"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No Watson, it's simplier: it just means that somebody has stolen our tent."


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Subject: Thoughts

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of

preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

19. One-seventh of you life is spent on Monday.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

25. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.


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THE CLASSIFEID LOVE ADS OF THE GODS....

Here's is what Arjun would write if he placed an ad in the matrimonial section:

"Handsome, kshatriya, warrier, excellent with bows and arrows, blessed by God Krishna, seeks beautiful bride for sharing with four of his brothers, expected all to live in the same house. All brothers involved in a old family rivalry and hence, girl is expected to strip infront of strangers as part of a deal to save lives of her family. Should also be stragically placed so that she can be won in a competition.

Here's what Rama would write if he placed an ad in the matrimonial section....

The way things are going, the chap probably has an anonymouse-id by now. Specially if he is posting matrimonials. "Handsome, healthy, wheatish-complexioned, 3 x 10^7 years old, 5'7" tall Prince-Regent (with green card) seeks homely, well-bred wife less than 5'4" tall. The boy (sic) has been married once, two twin sons by first marriage i.e. highly potent, first wife missing (believed to have been swallowed by her over-protective mother (don't ask, thanks)). He is an excellent archer, but he thinks he is some kind of divine incarnation (don't they all!). Bit of a daddy's boy, will do anything for the old man. Prospective girls should have NO interest in any golden deer they happen to see in the forest. (Trust me, this has proven to be A Bad Idea the first time around.) Should be willing to relocate to Ayodhya. Must like camping in the wild for several years, if necessary. Some foreign travel involved, including kidnapping and incarceration by physically deformed asuras, etc. Also, must be willing to deal with monkeys on a daily basis. Serious replies only. Include daytime telephone number.


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Subject: Some jokes

1. This actually happened. My father's deputy's friend took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"

2. This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs and approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai , lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "

3. Sardarji goes to the movies and he happens to be going for every show of the same movie for a week, when someone stops him and asks " Kyon sardarji, itni aachi lagi kya ki roz har show ke liye aar rahe ho?" Sardarji replies "Ek scene hai jahan ek ladki apne sare kapde utar deti hai lekin thabhi ek saali train saamne se nikal jati hai. Saali train kabhi na kabhi to late aayegi heh heh!"

4. Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na mar jaun"

5. Do u know What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ? He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!

6. Do u know what surdarji will do if he wants a white paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!!


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Subject: Valentine poem

Engineer's Valentine
I was alone and all was dark
beneath me and above.
My life was full of volts and amps
but not the spark of love.
But now that you are here with me
my heart is overjoyed
you turn the square of my heart
into a sinosoid
you load things from my memory
onto my systems bus
my life was once assembly code
now it's C++
I love the way solder things
my aging circuits you can fix
The voltage across your diode is
much more than just point six
With you amps and resistors
you have built my integrator
I doubt I can survive without you
you are my function generator
You have charged my life
increased my gain
and made my math discrete
and now I'll end my poem here
Control, alt and delete


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Since the annual induction of new recruits into s.c.i. is under way, let me start the ball rolling on the touchy topic of the intrepid romeo's courtship ritual...

I would love to say that any resemblance to people living or married is a coincidence, but unfortunately that isn't really the case. It has been my misfortune to come across despos who fit at least one description very well. Some of the descriptions here are based on the outrageous opinions expressed by our dudes in private in an all-male environment, usually in a stag party while consuming egg-curry and the ubiquitous 'chole' and raita, and chugging cheap beer. They probably did not expect these clandestine details of the courtship ritual would become public knowledge... so sue me. :-)

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SMOOTHIES : The Smoothest, The Slimiest:

We begin with the SMOOTHIES... those who have been here for a year or two, some of whom are resigned to spending a couple more years on their Ph.D., and have that magic phrase "I have a car". Having thus established their solid gold credentials with the new girls as the "guys-to-be-smiled-at-so-that-they-can-be-asked-for-rides-to-groceries", they are the elite of the desi student circle.

Common come-ons used by the Smoothies include:

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THE TALENT AGENT: (Romeonensis Recruitus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Hello, I am Dr. Breslauer's RA."

The romeo who uses this line usually has been working for 3 years with a well-funded prof in the department, whose RA'ship offers are being actively sought after by the freshies. He really has NO say whatsoever in the decision, but until the RA'ships are decided, this guy is sitting pretty. We would advise him to move quickly and snare a naive new student before the RAships are assigned. His answering machine usually gets a lot of messages in the month RA'ships are assigned... he only calls back the female callers... the guys will just have to call him again...

________________________________________________________________________ THE SLIMEY GROPER: (Romeonensis Gropius)

( Also known as the DANCE MASTER )

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Favourite Pickup-lines:

"Hi, would you like to take the ballroom dancing class with me?"

The oldest sleaze-bucket trick. Ulterior motive: To grope and fondle forbidden flesh.

This is the smoothie who religiously attends all the new-student orientation parties... scopes out all the 'fast' ones who venture out on the dance floor... generally goes for quasi ABCD's or Bombay types ... The only species of romeo who is sleazy enough to even hit on married women. A standard approach is to pay a shallow compliment to half a dozen girls (one at a time, of course!) such as:

"Hello, you have very nice voice. Just like MS Subbulakshmi."
OR
"Hello, you dance very well. Did you take dance lessons?"
Our lady-of-the-dance-floor invariably giggles and says:
"No, I only took bharatanatyam when I was little."
Hmmm... Excellent candidate for hitting upon later. So our groper invites her over (with some other friends, of course) to his house a couple of evenings for dinner... and then pops the question...

"There is a ballroom dance class every Tuesday evening. Would you like to be my partner... you dance really well (yeah, of course!)"

Some of the intended victims see the slime dripping all over him, but there is always one innocent girl who falls for the oldest trick in the desi-lothario's repertoire... and our groper-friend is all set to get his paws ready for a semester's groping and fondling, all for just 45 bucks registration fee (split 22.50 each, of course...). Plus he can look forward to being taken out to Pizza Hut by drooling roomies and wanna-be-slimeys who get their kicks by his serious XXX-rated description of each dance-class.

He struts and brags, and within a day, the entire romeo community is aware of his conquest. A couple of his cronies call him up (even long-distance!) to "congratulate" him on his success at luring yet another freshie with the old trick:

"saale, hat-trick maar diya, last year Pooja ko pataaya, last sem Rajni ko, aur abhi isko bhi thokne ka plaan bana raha hai kya? Kya class le raha hai, saala, Lambada sikha na usko!! Heh heh heh, Saala, congrats yaar! *sneer* *smirk* *nudge*".

All his friends snigger in the background and start making plans to hit upon the poor girl who, of course, is absolutely _thrilled_ at being the "popular" girl...

Poor chick (who may still be in denial of having fallen for such an obvious trick) gets the reputation of being "fast", "dumb" and an easy lay; is doomed to fighting off sleazy advances from every desi desperado in town for the rest of her sojourn at the Univ. After she graduates and leaves, she becomes a legendary figure, the yardstick for measuring "fastness", and the stories just get embellished more for the entertainment of new students for years to come.

________________________________________________________________________ THE SLIMEY SCOPER: (Romeonensis Scopius)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Hi, I have olympic size swimming pool in my apartment. I can teach you swimming...?"

The lesser twin of the Slimey Groper. Moves 17 blocks away from the University just because the apartment has a swimming pool. Always plans elaborate "pool-parties", which invariably end up with a dude-dudette ratio of 14-to-2 (one of them being the ever popular "dance class" victim who is always invited to parties for all the wrong reasons...).

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THE CHAUFFEUR: (Romeonensis Mobilus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Hi, I am going to K-Mart. You want ride? I have one extra seat..."

Actually, there will be two extra seats vacant, three if you count that ragged one with the funny oil-stain... but of course, the chances of a freshie saying yes to going anywhere alone with him would be slim ... so the reassuring "one seat is vacant..." implying that there will be other people present... /p>

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THE CHAUFFEUR DELUXE: (Romeonensis Mobilus Ultra)

(Romeonensis Mobilus Alpina/Pioneera/Aiwa/Audiovoxa)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Hi, I am going to K-Mart. You want a ride? I have a car stereo..."

A sub-species of the common-or-garden Chauffeur. The distinguishing mark being that funny noises bearing a passing resemblance to an old Dire Straits song occasionally emanate from a wheezy speaker hidden in the recesses of his automobile.

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THE MOVIE MOGUL: (Romeonensis Cinematicus)

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He doesn't have a car. He doesn't have the Slimey Groper's ability to cheat and deceive. He has tried asking newbies out to ballroom class, but somehow, all of them have seen through him, and the really dumb ones have already been snapped up for "ballroom-dance-classes" by the Slimey Groper.

But he does have that master ace up his sleeve, or more accurately, perched precariously atop his tv... the magic box that has the power to induce women to stay past midnight in his apartment... the VCR. Manages to get some newbie dudettes into his apartment to watch "Nayagan" or "Roja", or that old reliable, "Sholay". (editor's note: This was first written in 1992. Hence the Nayagan/Roja reference. I dunno which movies are currently in vogue for this purpose.)

Ten minutes into the movie, Movie Mogul changes into his lungi. His roomie plays the good host with nachos & cheese dip. He makes coffee with his lungi hitched up in half & a kitchen towel on his shoulder. These dudes try to impress their guests by shouting dialogues a good two minutes before the scene. Sonia, from Delhi, has no clue what is going on. The next time she visits, it will only be for help with Math805 assignment.

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THE FATHER FIGURE: (Romeonensis Paterfamilias)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Hello... No, no! Don't call me uncle."

He is the one person on campus who has the one quality all other lotharios envy: an aura of harmless trustworthiness...

Full sleeve tericott bush-shirt (Amba Tailors, Rajajinagar), tight dress pants, Bata shoes recently replaced with black Reeboks, same nylon socks - all 4 seasons. Need I mention Brahmi Amla Hair Oil?

Has lots of "Platonic" friendships. Hates Plato. Wishes Plato had never been born.

He is usually on excellent terms with the veteran desi females on campus. This gives him instant respectability among the newbies. Always trust-worthy, courteous and helpful. Other desi guys hate his guts, because newbies soon learn that it is far better to ask him for a ride than one of the other desperadoes... Keeps an umbrella in his office. Walks chicks home on rainy days. Of course, he dares not try anything for fear of losing his reputation... Always afraid someone will discover his stash of porno magazines hidden under the bathroom sink.

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THE INTER-RACIAL: (Romeonensis Miscegeneticus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Hi, this is Debbie, my date."

The guy who is on top of the world. For the moment. The one with the "gori" girlfriend "Debbie". He speaks not of Diwali, but of Thanksgiving. He has the respect and admiration from all the juniors. "Saale ne gori ko pataa liya yaar." His seniors don't particularly care because they know that Debbie was a drunken loser the semester before he turned up. He dreams of getting a green-card through Debbie, the US Citizen. This dude has never been south of Chicago, but has contracted the Southern Drawl from his g.f. Tries to convince everyone that Debbie was really a virgin until he met her. He has tried to convince others so hard of this that he almost believes it himself...

Debbie Dumps Desi when she gets a real job and moves to another town.

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THE ECLECTICUS: (Romeonensis Eclecticus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Like, hi man, what a scene. Like I was totally lubed man... totally like an Ephemeris video dude... like blow me man."

Very, very rare - this dude listens exclusively to new age, drives a beat up Bug with psychedelic murals on the fenders and a stained glass rear-window... has Dali posters in his living room, a nude he sketched himself in his bathroom, an open condom pack on the counter. This dude actually brews his own beer. Long hair and an earring seems de riguer. Never tries to pick-up desi chicks... usually accompanied by a pale, skinny, raggedy blonde with a nose-ring and a tattoo, and a couple of pot joints in her pocket...

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The "Seniors":

This is the underclass of the desi lothario heirarchy.

Those who have been here a scant one or two semesters, and have not yet acquired a car. Some of them purchase a VCR and turn into wanna-be movie-moguls. But they haven't yet acquired the smoothies' savoir faire, and the easy sense of 'I belong here' that distinguishes the sleazemen from the sleazeboys.

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THE TOURIST GUIDE: (Romeonensis Peripateticus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Last month, when I was in Grand Canyon..."

This is the guy-on-the-move, the going-places dude... or that is the impression he gives. Overrates the already over-rated. Doesn't mention that he had never left the premises of the campus until that big trip to the edge of the Grand Canyon. Drove a rental subcompact crammed with 5 desis singing to Kishore Kumar songs on the tape player all the way. Always argues about whether Yose-might or Yose-miti is the right pronunciation... although he hasn't really ever been to Yosemite.

His main drawing power is the tale about how his co-driver was caught speeding on the highway. Feels smug until someone mentions the ticket he got for reversing into the freeway from an exit-ramp.

Will try to pick up newbies by talking about how he can rent a car with his American Express Chaarj card. Fails spectacularly.

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THE PHOTOOO-JOURNALIST: (Romeonensis Autofocus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"This is me in front of Universal Studios..."

Carefully documents his summer vacation with the photooos taken in front of prominent landmarks, including uncle Chunnibhai's motel in Bakersfield. These photoos are commonly referred to as "Patel-Shots". His approach is not "u have to see to believe it", it's more like "look at this foto, yaar, I have been there" showing a patel shot. Invites people to his apartment to see the pictures. Hardly any success...

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THE NOT-SO-GOOD SAMARITAN: (Romeonensis Nefarius)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"You are taking 'Advanced Computer Calisthenics'? No problem. Friend took it last semester. Will get you the book. It costs 40 dollars." Freshie giggles and simpers a thank you, thinking, "what a nice guy!", and our samaritan extrapolates this into a wild fantasy.

"She wants me! I bet she wants me baaaad!", he keeps telling himself as he runs to the university book store through the pouring rain and buys the book (sorry, no used version available).

Two weeks later, ladki bhee gayee, paisa bhee gaya. How does he manage to afford this? Well, he takes the book back from the freshie at the end of the semester and returns it for a 60% refund at the bookstore.

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THE FRUGAL GOURMET: (Romeonensis Gustatus-Parsimonius)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"No, no. Taco Bell doesn't use lard. And Taco Bell has unlimited Pepsi refill macha!! But MacDonald's has good milkshake."

Apart from being the fast-food aficionado, he has also mastered the art of making tostadas at home. Expert on cooking advice, though most of his dinners comprise of two burritos to go and unlimited small pepsi.

Gets one and only one "date" to go to Taco Bell. She doesn't talk to him again for the rest of the semester. When questioned, he only says, "oh, she wants to go out again, but she is too busy." She, on the other hand, usually changes the subject when the topic comes up.

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THE WANNABE MOVIE MOGUL: (Romeonensis Cinematicus Minora)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Hi. I have VCR."

Has very little success with that pick-up line. Wonders whether he should not have spent that 150 bucks on the Korean VCR... Has got into the habit of eating Doritos and Coke for dinner while sprawled in front of the telly.

Uses room-freshener and cologne inter-changeably. Generally dejected at not havin' "patao"ed a single chic in spite of the VCR. Doesn't realize it may have something to do with the fact that he tried to trick a freshie dudette into getting "hot" by watching a XXX-rated movie...

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THE ASPIRING INTER-RACIAL: (Romeonensis Miscegeneticus Minora)

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Cut-offs, "just do me" T shirt, coasters from payless shoes, $2 reflecting sunglasses with neon threads, baseball cap worn backwards, just like Puke-Daddy-MC on MTV.

He hangs out with the smoothie interracial (refer to description above) all the time, and picks up enough skills to have moderate success in the ABCD crowd. Has hopes of someday getting out of his relationship with the ABCD, but chances of survival are pretty slim. He is usually married to the ABCD by the time he graduates, or very shortly thereafter. The juniors, of course, marvel at his girlfriend, and try to hit on her so that she can get _them_ dates.

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THE IIT-ian: (Romeonensis Clanicus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"Hi. I am from IIT-B. I was 247th in JEE. My name is Raj."

Has even lesser success with that pick-up line than the wannabe-mogul. None of the "smoothies" use this line because they have realized no one gives a damn. Our IIT-ian still clings on in the fervent hope that the cachet of his undergraduate institution will make nubile young things swoon with awe. Sure, ex-IIT-ian chicks hang out with him, but hey, we all know that ain't worth squat...

Faded blue Levis, round-neck Tee, mostly wears bathroom slippers from hostel days. No wrist watch. Hasn't given up smoking yet. Main source of entertainment: the e-mail list of all his IIT batchmates...

Can't understand how that other guy, a non-IITian (gasp), gets all the dates. Drowns his loneliness by hanging out with wing-mates from IIT-B and reminiscing about old Katre, the Taklu tutor at Agrawal's.

When introduced to new IIT-M arrivals, always asks them which hostel they they were from: Goda or Mandaks?

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THE SUPER-TECHIE: (Romeonensis Esotericus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"then you issue an asynchronous sigint to the child process through the named pipe which induces it and fork a subcommand in the same kernel thread which..."

As expected, he has little success with anyone, except newbies who need help figuring out how to log into their accounts. Needless to say, these newbies don't understand the detailed login instructions our Super-Techie gives them.

While "helping" them, he manages to get their passwords and reads all their personal email for the next two semesters. If this doesn't work, he can break into their computer anyway. Generally considered a reliable source for gossip about the freshies' private affairs.

Freshie guys always come to him for info on how to decode the gifs on alt.sex.pictures...

When officemate asks about lost car keys, helpfully suggests grep-ing for them iteratively in /usr/office/desk -drawer and /usr/pants/pockets.

Usually seen in plain shirt (or whatever mom sent him), pair of jeans, unkempt hair, didn't-shave-or-shower-in-2-days-look. A bold HMT (grandpa's high school graduation gift) adorns the wrist. Survives on pizza, Cheetos and Jolt. Has programmed the vending machine into selling him candy for a nickel.

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The "Freshie" Dudes:

Pretty much nothing to say about the freshie guys. Most of them are preoccupied with settling into graduate student life. So their Romeo- nating characteristics have not yet come sufficiently to the fore to enable classification.

And since they have not been accepted by credit card companies yet, their ability to go out on dates is somewhat hampered. Which is not a problem, because with the standard opening line:

"Hello, I am from Gowripalya in Ramnagar, where you are from?", or the ever popular:

"What is your mother tongue?" , they really don't have much luck in getting a date.

And the fact that these guys were fighting bitterly over a dog-eared three-year-old issue of Penthouse in the T.A.lab last Tuesday doesn't help their chances...

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THE DEHAATI: (Romeonensis Rusticus)

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Favourite Pickup-line:

"yhou know what haapined when I came out of airport? I got taxi, and yhou know, taxiwala was Indian!"

Always speaks about a couple of octaves higher than necessary. Responds to the name "Babloo". Just arrived from Gorakhpur. Absolutely thrilled that the taxi he took from the airport was driven by a Jat dude from Faridabad. Exchanges phone numbers with taxi-dude and resolves to keep in touch with the fellow. Writes to mom about it.

Contacts relatives in "Buphalo", "Peetsburg" and "Batlimore" (no, not a typo) on the first day to inform them that 'he has arrived'. Gets confused by the answering machine at his cousin's number in "Arijona" and leaves a completely undecipherable message.

Buys a large economy size bottle of Brut on his first grocery trip. Before stepping out of the apartment, BRUT goes under arms, on shirt, back side of shirt, inside shirt, inside the VIP brief...

While some desi romeos buy Aqua Velva (utmost parsimony), the Dehaati pays a few cents more for "achcha khaasaa boo".

Suitcase filled with latest line in safari suits from Gorakhpur. Wears kurta-achkan and shiny new Reebok sneakers to orientation. Wants to buy Haanda Civeec. Wants to patao sitijen or haraa pathey waali. No wonder, dude is chasing our younger cousins (aka undergrad ABCDs).

________________________________________________________________________

THE SLIMEBALL: (Romeonensis Mucus)

========================================================================

Silently scopes out all the 'chicks', with help from his mentor, the Slimey Groper. Tries to score but strikes out because the slime is still a little too obvious. Hits on other people's wives/girlfriends at the orientation. Tries to hit on every American girl who smiles at him. Backstabs to get assistantships.

Insists on walking girls home from department at night.

"Arrey, very dangerous, you know, not like Mylapore. Last week only my friend Rick got mugged on Maple Avenue... Chalo, chalo, let me walk you home... Oh you want to work in lab for two more hours? No problem, I can wait..."

In the end, the poor girl ends up calling our trustworthy Father Figure (see the smoothie section for description) to escort her home. Father Figure smoothly whisks the maiden away, ignoring our slimeball's scowl and flashing him a cordial smile...

Consummate geek that he is, recycles centuries old jokes he reads on rec.humor. Every alternate sentence is punctuated with a reference to beer. Has practically memorized the list of reasons "Why beer is better than women". But two cans of pissweak lager make him tipsy. Manages to hitch his wagon to his idol, the Slimey-Groper and begins to try out some tricks but without immediate success... shows promise... If people still trust him in two years, he may turn into a successful Slimey Groper. Until then, he organizes pot-luck parties.


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Subject: definite

The very best wrong answer ever,

This definition of "compiler" must rank as the BEST of the possible wrong answers. Written by a student in a introductory Computer Science course.

"A compiler's primary function is to compile, organize the compilation, and go right back to compiling. It compiles basically only those things that requre to be compiled, ignoring things that should not be compiled. The main way a compiler compiles, is to compile the things to be compiled until the compilation is complete."

hows that for an answer


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Subject: World Cup

This is the current position of the various countries in the world cup cricket.
WILLS WORLD CUP 1996 joh jeeta wohi sikander
WORLD CUP WINNER ram jaane
KENYA kora kagaz
HOLLAND aazmake dekho
UNITED ARAB EMIRATES ek bechara
ZIMBABWE gambler
NEW ZEALAND kati patang
SRI LANKA hum kisise kam nahi
SOUTH AFRICA chhupa rustom
WEST INDIES zakhmi sher
ENGLAND pyaasa
AUSTRALIA sri 420
************************************************************
INDIA dilwale dulhaniya leh jayenge
************************************************************


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Subject: Interpretations (fwd)

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep, There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"

So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk (I don't want to be an exception|)

"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really miss him

I live in a very liberal town.

They just changed the name of a street from "LOVER'S LANE" to "SEX DRIVE"

God is Alive| Speak to Him

(It's cheaper after six )

When two's company;

three's the result

A dress is like a barbed fence;

It protects the premises without restricting the view

Being sexy is a hard job for me;

but somebody has to do it

Love is photogenic;

it needs darkness to develop.

A good discussion is like a miniskirt;

Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject

children in backseats cause accidents;

Accidents in backseats cause children

A girl is like a road;

the more curves she has the more dangerous she is


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Subject: New Corporate Travel Policy

Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are effective immediately.

TRANSPORTATION

______________

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strongly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company trips. Bus transportation will be used whenever hitchhiking is impractical. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstance and the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fee can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

LODGING

_______

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges or homeless shelters provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. The Human Resources department is in the process of establishing "Host Families" in several cities to take in employees in exchange for a small subsidy. The idea of refurbishing migrant workers camps is also being pursued.

MEALS

_____

Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as Tom Thumb and Kroger Stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be cost effective to employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Vienna sausage, and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without necessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

ENTERTAINMENT

_____________

Entertainment while on company business is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such action will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about spending money for providing good products, not on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to our customers that visit our facility shall also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic basket will be placed in the parking lot near the dumpster and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshments can be provided for our guests.

MISCELLANEOUS

_____________

All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport lay-over periods which could be used to defray costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses and various types of incense will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.


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Subject: fwd: Even Robot knows the truth...... (fwd)

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120."

So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar.

As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50."

The robot then said, "So, how are things in Punjab these days?"


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Subject: (jokes)

1. Shadow RAM.
too jahan jahan chalega
mera saayaa saath hoga.
2. Deadlock because of cyclic wait.

moojhe koochh kahana hai.
moojhe bhi koochh kahana hai.
pahale toom.
pahale toom
toom
toom.

3. Bug.

dheere say jaana khatiyan mein o khatamal dheere say jaana khatiyan
mein.

4. Virus.
arre diwano mujhe pahachano
kahan say aaya main who kaun?
main who kaun main who kaun main who main who main who DON.

5. Good working program suddenly hangs up.
kya huwa aray isse kya huwa?
dosto isse kya huwa?
isska to baj gaya baaja.
saardi khassi naa maleriya huwa yeh gaya yarro issko love love love
loveriya huwa loveriya huwa.

6. White box testing of a code.
ajeeb daasataa hai yeh
kahan shooroo kahan khatam
yeh manzile hai kaunaC kahan shooro kahan khatam?

7. Searching in deep branch of a huge tree structure.

yeh kahan aa gaye hum yoohin saath saath chalte?
tere baahon mein hai jaise
mere jism O jaan pighalte?
8. You have got a Null pointer assignment.

yeh mera prem pattra padhkar
K toom naraz na honna K toom meri zindagi ho
K toom meri bandagi ho.

9. Need to use Debugger at last.
phir tomharee yaad aa E hai sanam
hum naa bhulenge tuze alla kasam.

kabhi tanahaaE yon mein U hamari yaad aaAgie.
andhere chhaa rahe honge
K bijali kaundh jayegi.
10. You got a compiler warning.

Millo na toom to hum ghabaraye

millo to aankh churaye
hamme kya ho gaya hai?

11. You are seeing beautiful .BMP in Paintbrush.

mere saamne waali khidki mein
1 chaand ka tookada rahata hai.
aphasos yeh hai K woh hamse
kucch ukhada ukhada rahata hai.
12. You clicked outside the message box window.

Shaam dhale khidki tale
toom CT bajana chhod do.

13. Zindagi mein pahali baar tomhara program first shot chala woh bhi
without any error | warning.

Aaj se pahale aaj se jyada khooshee aaj taque nahin millie.

14. U are in an INFINITE LOOP.

Goom hai kissi K pyar mein dil subah shaam par toomhe likh nahi paU
main oos ka naam hi raam.
15. Clock tick.
mere dil ki ghadi kare tic tic tic
| baje raat ke 12
hi tere pyar ne mara.

16. Virus.
Jo soche jo chahe woh karke dikhaA hum woh hai jo 2 | 2 5 bana day.
(now sing fast....)
toone abhi dekha nahin
dekha hai to jana nahin
jana hai to mana nahin
mujhe pahachana nahin duniya diwani meri
mere pichhe pichhe bhage
kiss me hai dum
thhahare jo mere aage
mere aage aana nahin
dekho takaran nahin
kissese bhi haare nahin hum.

17. Virus scanner to a virus.

chhupane waale saamane aa
chhup chhup K mera G na jala
suraj se kiran baadal se pawan
kab talak chhupegi yeh to bata.
18. To disk washer after he's done his work

dil ke tookade tookade kar K
mooskooraake chal diye
jaate jaate yeh to bata ja
hum Giyenge kissK liye.


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Subject: The lighter side....


You must have all heard of ABCDs, ABCDEFs and ABCDEFGs, but have you heard an expansion covering the complete alphabet?

Ok, here's the lighter side:

An ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ is

American Born Confused Desi, Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways, Xenophobic Yet Zestful !!!

Hope you can remember the complete explanantion.


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Subject: Sardarji Bets on World cup ! (fwd)

Hi Folks :

===============

Enjoy this piece.

Sardarji Bets on World cup !

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed.

"What happened ?" asked Surjit.

Baljit : "Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday .

Surjit : " "How come ?"

Baljit : "Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and Australia was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet."

Surjit : " But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?"

Baljit : " Yaar, I bet on the highlights too "


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Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: Ugly is as Ugly Does (fwd)

A woman got on the bus holding a baby.

The busdriver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The busdriver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


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Subject: Valentine special

Your valentine may be

A woman of substance

or

The complete man


Whoever he or she may be , your eternal question to your valentine today is

Hum Aapke Hain Kaon


and the contemporary replies may be

Ram jaane
Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa
Akele Hum Akele Tum
Hum Aapke Hain

May be you are lucky to get the last answer from ...

Tujhe dekha to ye jaana sanam
Pyar hota hai deewana sanam
and if it is ...
Pehla pehla pyar hai
Pehli pehli baar hai

then life is a great dance ...

Zara sa jhoom loon main
Are haan re baba haan Aa tujhe choom loon main
Are haan re baba haan

and this evening will be in high spirits ...
Aye kaash ke hum hosh mein ab aane na paye
Bas nagme tere pyar ke gaate hi jaayen


Well not everyone has found their valentine and for many people their complete man is in their dreams ...

Mere khwaabon mein jo aaye
Aa ke mujhe chhed jaaye Us se kaho mere saamne to aaye
Mere khwaabon mein jo aaye

and they wait with impatience for their woman of substance ...
Mere sapno ki rani kab aayegi too
Aayi rut mastani kab aayegi too
Beeti jaye zindgani kab aayegi too
Chali aa too chali aa

Dreams do come true, but people hesitate to say it ...

Kya kare kya na kare ye kaisi mushkil haye
Koi to bata de iska hal o mere bhai
Ke ik taraf to us se pyar kare hum
Or us se hi ye kahne se dare hum

if this is your problem then the solution is ...

Kuchh na kaho Kuchh bhi na kaho
Kya kahna hai Kya sunana hai
Tumko pata hai Humko pata hai
Samai ka ye pal Thum sa gaya hai
Aur is pal mein Koi nahin hai
Bas ek main hoon Bas ek tum ho
Just as light and darkness goes together
so does love and hate
and there are broken hearts too
who think more of thorns then roses ...

Aisa zakhm diya hai
Jo na phir bharega
Har haseen chehre se
Ab yeh dil daregaa

but then love is like ...

Hum tujh se mohobbat karke sanam
Rote bhi rahe hanste bhi rahe
so don't despair like this person..

Ye jo mohobbat hai Ye unka hai kaam
Mehboob ka jo Bas lete huye naam
Mar jaye mit jaye Ho jayen badnaam
Rahne do chhodo Bhi jaane do yaar
Hum na karenge pyar
rather find someone today , because ...

Tanha tanha yahaan pe jeena ye koi baat hai
Koi saathi nahin hai tera yahaan to ye koi baat hai
Kisi ko pyar de de Kisi ka pyar le le
Is sare zamane main yahi pyari baat hai
Tanha Tanha ...

XXX


Back to Index

Subject: office language

> F-1

The most commonly seen deshi variety. Announces his presence in yank land by a message on the bulletin board called SCI (Source Can't be Identified), "Looking for Bajji: Bajji, where are you? Last seen in Vishakhapatnam mental hospital". A detail study of this variety is done by Dr.(honorary). Ramesh Mahadevan (sociologist or anthropologist or what?). Author particularly refers to the case study of a specimen called Ajay Palvaynteeswaran (damn spelling).

F-2

Spouse of F-1. Most probably an engineer. (Boy, it puzzles me. How come F-1s manage to get an engineers spouse considering the fact that dude engineers in India are never equal to dudette engineers?). Can also be BComs, BScs or high school pass or failed with big, fat dowry.

Yet to see a male variety of this species.

J-1

Works in a public sector or one of the CSIR labs. Manages a trip to America on public money under the guise of a no-credit-hour-crash-course in a damn topic in some Univ. Hitch hikes every evening to local K-mart or Wal mart but rarely buys anything, because when he sees the price tag he first converts the $s to rupees and multiplies it with 300% custom's duty. Opens his mouth wide open and proceeds to the next article. Ditto. Whomever he meets, the first question is, is it better to buy a VCR here or at Dubai or Singapore on the way back home. Insists on taking pictures every where, in front of the coke machine, inside and outside of McDonalds etc. He need to show all this photographs followed by a lecture on the coke machine, to all his neighbors, colleague's in India.

H-1

Previously F-1. Wonders how F-1's can live 'n' number per apartment. Owns a Toyota Corolla or Honda Accord (95% confidence Intervals). Fully satisfied with his car. Starts discussion with 'new immigration laws, labor, monterey, multiple entry, cut off dates, etc. garbage'.

H-1 Multiple Entry

~~~~~~~~~~~

Managed to get a leave of 24 days and goes home. His mom shows two albums full of photos of prospective brides of H-1 multiple. Rejects all. Interviews 28 girls in 22 days. Time is running out. Now or Never. Last interviewee looks okay. Hitch. No big dowry. (Conscious: Hurry up, if you don't use this opportunity you will not leave for the next three years). Okay. H-1 multiple becomes an idealist. No dowry. Just before the muhurat, he thinks, "Album #2, Photo #13 looks better than this girl. Pch. Any way, I am getting married. YaaaHooooooo!!!!.

Scene changes. H-1 multiple comes back to US. After two months: He looks at the telephone bill. International calls to India. Total $606.01. Closes all the windows and doors of the apartment. Cries aloud "Mujhe meri bibi chahiye, kaerrrrrr, baerrrrrr". (I want my beloved wife, I can't wait). Joins the "Mujhe Meri Bibise Milao Andolan". Starts a letter writing campaign for the same cause. AT&T announces a new plan. "Reach out Bibi". You pay $3 when you are an F-1 and you will get a 2% discount when are a certified member of the above said andolan.

H-4

She has seen H-1 multiple a couple of years back for a day or two for interview, Kalyan. After 2 years finally comes to America. Sees a couple of guys with bouquets in the airport. She thinks, "the guy with bald head looks funny. Oh no, he is hugging me. Oh, is he my hubby. What happened to his hair? His head looks and glows like a Sylvania-Laxman bulb!!!". (Illaya Raja's music for mixed feelings in the background). Any way, she manages a smile or touches his feet.

Whatever may be her background (B.Tech, B.Sc. home science, MA anthropology etc.), she gets applies for MS in comp. sci. from near by Univs. and the hubby any way encourages her to pursue education in the above said field.

Green Card (Male)

~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of kids. Resents people calling his kids ABCDs. Starts small talk with "down payment for new house, school districts, taxes etc. junk". Thinks he can understand baseball rules.

Green Card (Female)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Couple of kids. Resents being called "auntie" by the FOB (Fresh Of the Boat) F-1 from near by damn university. Starts discussion, "kids, cost of diapers, Texas saree palace, Macy's, gold price difference in USA/India".

P-1 (Pallu visa)

~~~~~~~~~

He just completed his MBBS. Desperately wanted to come US of A. Marries an ABCD. Uski pallu pakadke aaya. (Held tight to her saree and sailed to US of A). FiL (Father-in-Law) gives him a old station wagon. MiL (Mother-in-Law) asks him to run errands. Go to Indian grocery store, get milk etc. Cries insult. Decide to study hard for ECFMG of whatever it may be and plans to suck money from sick and non-sick patients.

S-1 (Saala Visa)

~~~~~~~~~

Green Card (female) manage hubby to sponsor her good-for-nothing-naalayak bro(brother) for green card. S-1 lands in States. Finds work at the Indian grocery store or Indian restaurant. Bugs his Bil (Brother-in-Law) to loan him $10,000 to open a convenience store or an ice cream shop. Bil shed tears and money. Two years later S-1 is still moving toor-dal bags in the grocery store.

I-1 (Illegal and best)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gets on a ship as a deckhand in Bombay. One and a half years later, sneaks into US through Canada some how. Mostly found in Northeast or Southwest of US of A, in the gas stations with a big smile and shouting "Haanji, aap kahan ke hain?" Establishes with the INS, that he is working in the gas station of California farm land for the past 13 years and gets a green card less $2,000 lawyer fees.

B-1:- Bullshit Visa.

He bullshits to TCS or whoever body-shopped him here that he'll render his services faithfully to the company, but tells his *jigri dosts* to check out an opening in their companies. Piles on in their apartment and refuses to even consider going back home.

The only chap in the whole gang who is not homesick!

And so it goes , and so it goes.....-


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Subject: Cricket (fwd)

Cricket: As explained to a foreigner...

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!


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Subject: A look at some GUIs.......

Here is a good guide to how u'll should design UI

USER-FRIENDLY

-------------

C:\> DUR

Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL
------------
C:\> DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
---------------
C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR
C:\> DUR
USER-HOSTILE
------------
C:\> DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
----------------
C:\> DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONISING
----------------
C:\> DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time, use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
---------------
C:\> DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.
USER-SARCASTIC
--------------
C:\> DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.
USER-INSULTING
--------------
C:\> DUR
S*d off
C:\> DIR
S*d off

USER-SMUG
---------
C:\> DUR
No
C:\> DOR
Nope
C:\> HELP
No
C:\> PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\> B*ST*RD
Abuse will get you nowhere

USER-ANALYTICAL
---------------
C:\> DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\> A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\> BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\> I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?

...etc

USER-McDONALD
-------------
May I help you please?
C:\> DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time.
Have a nice day.
C:\> DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\> YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\> HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC
-----------------
C:\> DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.


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Subject: jokes (fwd)

Japanese names for Indians:

Ek Aashik: Hiro Hito Hun
Aashik's mother: Hiro Ki Ma
A secretary: Li Kho Li Kho
A Waiter: Chai En Pao Lao
A cook: Pu Lao Pakao
A Sadhu: San T' Sa-Tsung
A Soldier: Tien Shun
A Watchman: Kuon Hai
A milkman: Pa Nih Mi Lao
A Rich man: Ma La Mal
A deaf girl: Kya Kaha
A Beautiful girl: Hsein Ah
Kolhapuri girl: La Won Gi Mi'Chi
A villager meeting kolha-
puri girl: Hakka Bakka
Strip tease artiste: Sabu T'aro

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Information Technology Pantheon:

=======================================

Narada : Data Transfer
Brihaspati : Chief Information Officer
Chitragupta : Personnel Records
Yama : Reorganization Consultant
Brahma : Systems installation
Vishnu : Tech support
Shiva : Power surge
=======================================


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A Hindu, a Muslim and a Sikh were discussing the marvellous achievements of their own brand of surgery. Said the Hindu, 'I know of a vaidji who joined a severed arm with the use of ayurvedic glue. you can't even tell where the arm had been cut.' Not to be outdone, the Muslim spoke 'A hakeem sahib has evolved a new kind of adhesive ointment. He used it on a fellow who had his head cut off. you can't tell where the neck was severed.' It was the sardarji's turn to extol the latest developments in Sikh surgery. 'We have gone much farther,' said the Sardarji thumping his chest proudly. 'There was this chacha of mine who was cut into two round his navel. Our Sikh surgeon immediately slaughtered a goat and joined its rear half to chacha's upper half. So now we have our Chacha as well as two litres of milk every day.'

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.

Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'

Banta singh : 'Yes, I have'

Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.'

Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'

Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.'

Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.'


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A GUJJU SPESAL !

Q) Why did George Bush had the gujju beaten?

A) The gujju told George Bush "You are an IMPOTENT man"

Q) Why won't the gujju jeweler sell anything to the UP ka bhayiya?

A) The bhayiya kept giving gujju a bunch of hair each time the gujju asked for KESH.

Q) What will a Gujju tell a tomato, coming last in a tomato race? (in case of one)

A) Tomato KETCHUP.

Q) Why did the gujju go to Rome ?

A) He wanted to listen to POPE music.

Q) Why did the gujju go to London?

A) To see BIG BEHN.

Q) What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?

A) Ramesh's son failed in statistics...

Q) Why was the gujju stacking up 1 cent coins on the day before exams ?

A) He wanted to get "cent-par-cent" .

Q) What did the Gujju have in the morning?

A) LIGHT SNAKES for breakfast.

Q) What did the Gujju say to the singing prostitute?

A) You are going from BED To VERSE.

Q) Did you know that Gujarati students are going to start a fraternity?

A) They named it Rho Beta Rho.

Q) Why did the gujjus take 50 paise when they went to watch "GANDHI"?

A) They read Atten( 8 annas)-bourough in the credits.

Q) Why did the gujju think Gandhi was acted by a woman in "GANDHI"?

A) They read Ben( behn) Kingsley did the acting.


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Blond Joke

-------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the blonde climb the clear glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

How can you tell is a blond has been working on your computer?

White out on the screen.

Two blondes walking together in the woods, come across a set of tracks...The first blonde says. "Look ! Deer tracks! ". The second blonde says,"No, those are Bear tracks!"... Then the train hit them...

What does a blond say after a date?

Are you guys all on the same team?

A dumb blonde, a smart blond and Santa Claus jump off of a bridge, who makes the bigger splash?

The dumb blonde because the others don't exist.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

What do you call a blonde on a college campus?

A visitor!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?

Tell her a joke on Friday.

Why was the blonde so happy when she finished a 500 piece puzzle in 6 months?

Because on the box it said 3 - 6 years!

Why are blond jokes so stupid?

So men can understand them

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.


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Subject: joke (fwd)

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.

The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.

"Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.

The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine


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Subject: auto acronyms

********** Automobile Acronyms ***************

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK --> Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
GM --> General Maintenance
GMC --> Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA --> Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA --> Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA -->Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO --> Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW --> Virtually Worthless

*********************


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Subject: Dont Drink and Drive :-(

* THE DEATH OF AN INNOCENT

I went to a party, mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, mom,
So I drank soda instead.

I felt really proud inside, mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, mom,
Even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, mom;
I know you're always right.
Now the party is finally ending, mom,
As everyone drives out of sight.

As I got into my car, mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece,
Because of the way you raised me, mom,
So responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, mom,
But as I pulled onto the road,
The other car didn't see me, mom,
And it hit me like a load.

As I lie here on the pavement, mom,
I hear the policeman say,
The other guy is drunk, mom,
And now I'm the one who'll pay.

I'm lying here dying, mom,
I wish you'd get here soon.
How come this happened to me, mom?
My life bursts like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, mom,
Most of it is mine.
I hear the paramedic say, mom,
I'll die in a very short time.

I just wanted to tell you, mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, mom,
The others didn't think.

He didn't know where he was going, mom,
He was probably at the same party as I,
The only difference is, mom,
He drank, and I will die.

Why do people drink, mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now, mom,
Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, mom,
I don't think that is fair;
I'm lying here dying, mom,
While all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, mom,
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to Heaven, mom,
Write "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.

Someone should have told him, mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they would have taken time, mom,
I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, mom,
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, mom,
Because when I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question, mom,
Before I say good-bye,
I didn't ever drink, mom,
So why am I to die?

This is the end, mom,
I wish I could look you in the eye,
To say these final words, mom,
I love you and good-bye.


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BEST QUESTION OF THE MONTH ! (DEC 95)
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
What is the best way to learn a foreign language these days ?

BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Just follow these directions, go to New York city, go for a taxi cab ride, after the ride is over, just pay the driver but do not give him a tip, you will learn a foreign language lesson very fast that way and some new curses too !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
A few months ago I purchased a young guinea pig. It was fun playing with her for awhile, but recently I'm afraid we've grown tired of spending time together. It seems that guinea pig bladder control is not at all reliable, and she also has developed the unfortunate habit of crinkling the newspaper in her cage at three in the morning. Anyway, I'm wondering if you have any suggestions about what type of firecracker to stick up her ass. You see, I live in Illinois, where such noisemakers are illegal, so I need a brand that is relatively quiet, yet still powerful enough to punch little Annie's ass through her skull. She's an English shorthair, if that helps.
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Think about recycling,go find a friend with a hungry snake,the pest will be history !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I want to speak to a psychic but do not know which is the best one to call, what should I do ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
There is a way to find the best psychic,just keep saying to yourself, psychic please call me,please call me,stay next to the phone,the very best psychic will hear your mental projection and will call you shortly !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
The other day while walking to work a bum asked for change of a one hundred dollar bill, I told him I only had change of a ten, he said that was ok and took my change and said he will give me the 100 bill when I get the rest of the money, should I trust him ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
That bum happens to be a very good friend of mine and very trustworthy too, what you should do is give him ten dollars a day until it adds up to the 100 bucks !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
My wife calls me stupid all the time, what should I do about that ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Divorce her and find a new wife that is only half as smart as you are, then she will think that you are very smart !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
Someone keeps calling me on the phone and hangs up right away, why do people do these kind of things ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
The people that do this have a breathing fetish, they call and get excited by the way that you breathe and to see how many times you will say hello before you do hangup !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
When you blow your nose very hard, does your tissue fall apart ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
I never use a tissue, I just put one finger on the side of my nose and blow it into the street !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I just had the new white pages delivered to my house and I could not find my name listed, does this mean that I do not exist, does this mean that my fingers will not be doing the walking anymore, I need an answer now !
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Wow, just calm down and give your fingers a rest, you should be thankful that you are not listed so all those pesty salesmen selling stupid life insurance will not be able to call you at all hours of the day !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I am against the use of nuclear weapons and I hear that the French people keep testing them out, what is the best way to protest against them ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
The best way is to boycott some of their products, do not buy any french fries,french toast or croissants for awhile and they will get the mesage !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
The other day while driving home a whole bunch of squirrels kept running in front of my car just about daring me to run them over, whats up with them ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Wow you almost ran over the daredevil squirrel family, they must be putting on a show in your town now !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
Last week I found a ten dollar bill on the way to school,I told a friend of mine about my good luck and he said it belonged to him and insisted that I give it back to him, the problem is that I do not think he is the rightful owner, what should I do now ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Take your friend with you to the spot where you found the money and ask the first person that you see if the money belongs to him, that person will say that it is his also therefore prooving that it does not belong to your friend !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
When does steps become stairs ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Steps turn into stairs when you fall down them,it sounds way more dramatic to say that you fell down the stairs instead of the steps !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I have a friend who has really long stupid hair, should I get him drunk and shave his head with a bunch of other friends ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
I have a much better way to deal with long hair, go find someone that is infected with head lice, take some lice eggs and put it on your friends head, he will want to cut his hair after all that !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I just got a new girlfriend and the other day she tells me if I want to have sex with her it will cost me twenty bucks, how does this deal sound to you ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
That sounds like a very good deal to me, all my girlfriends charge me fifty bucks to have sex with them !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
What if your hands were ping-pong paddles ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
I guess I would really be whacking it, instead of jacking it !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I am pregnant and the ultra-scan looks like your photo, please tell me what to do ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,

I would say that you get a second opinion as soon as possible, and if it still looks the same, see if you can find a doctor to do some prenatal plastic surgery a s a p !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
what is love ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Love is lending money to someone and not caring if you get it back or not !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
My question is short: What is the "Seven year itch" and how do I avoid getting it ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Just keep your genitals away from someone that should not be scratching it !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
How do you tell the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
One of them smells very bad at the tip !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
What is that gritty white stuff on my bathroom walls ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
It may just be an alien being from another planet, make a few phone calls to the goverment I heard they have a big reward program for this !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
Discounting all the falseified evidence is there any way to tell if Mr. Simpson is guilty or innocent without bringing up race ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
When he asks for his gloves and ski cap back we will know that he did the crime for sure !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
Is voyeurism fun ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
It sure is until you get caught for it !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I am having trouble getting laid, what should I do ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
It always helps to be less selective if you are really horny !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
My coffee at work has been tasting very strangely lately,I once saw a tv show where a worker peed
in his co-workers coffee to get even with him, how can I find out if this is happening to me as well.Any help would be greatly appreciated.
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
There is a way you can find out! Pee in your own coffee at home if it tastes similar to the coffee at
work you know you have a problem !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I am 2 months pregnant.I hate kids.Should I give birth or sell the thing, or what ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS, I say keep it, the child may turn out to be a prodigy or something,think of all the money you will be able to make then !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
My computer won't work , should I plug in this cord-thing ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Do not do anything until you call customer service first ! They just love when you call them with this question,you may even win a prize from them !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I am a member of a local band in Miami. We have been complemented for being very good, but the singer drives me crazy. He is conceited and selfcentered and a bunch of other words that means he is stuck on himself. Should I kill him? If so, how ? Thanks for you advice!
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
I have a plan for you that works all the time !Just fix him up with a girl that will drive him crazy, you never know the girl just may kill him for you !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I Just recently had nine teeth pulled and now the pain is so great, what can I do ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
I have a cure that has worked many a time for my good friends, get a bucket of salt water and soak your entire head in it for an hour, after the first five minutes you will no longer feel any more pain !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
What is the meaning of life ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
The meaning of life these days is to own a computer that does not crash every five minutes !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
To get away from the horny rooster !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I hate school, I hate doing my homework,my parents say I will turn out to be a bum if I keep this up,is that true ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Your parents are wrong! I never did any homework and I hated all the teachers as well, and I turned out to be the best bum on the block this year !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
What is the best way to meet girls at school ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Here is my secret method to meet girls at school,find a girl that you like that is carrying an arm full of books,sneak up from behind her and knock all her books to the floor,then proceed to pick up all her books and say that someone else had knocked them down and that you will catch that person at a later time for her !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I like to push elevator buttons more than once when I am waiting for them,Is there something wrong with me ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
No there is not, many people think that if you just push it once, it will come just as fast as if you were to push the button many times,I have done a scientific test to proove that the faster you push the button the faster the elevator arrives !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I'm in a band and we don't have a band name. If you can give me three band names that I like I will pay you for it. No joke. We are ready to record an album. We have a record deal and everything, except a band name. THINK ABOUT IT.
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Here are three band names that I would like to see,1-Frozen sperm 2-Scared silly 3-Squashed hamster
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
Do you know how to get blood off linoleum tile? Vinegar and water worked pretty good on the
walls and ceiling, but I hear linoleum is a bitch to clean. Can you you help me out ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Here is a little known secret shared by top serial killers,you must use the intestines of your victim to wipe down the linoleum floor !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
My dog once and then has a bad case of the runs every week or so. The doctor says there is nothing wrong with him but it always happens when I am not around. What do I do ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Obviously someone in your family is feeding your dog some junk food when you are not around,buy
your dog a muzzle and put a lock on it so you are the only one to feed it,duct tape works very good too !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I am so bored I am sending you this letter, what should I do ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Send a letter to all the other people on the internet as well !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
I am a student in school and I have a big test coming up. Last time I had a big test I didn't know any of the answers, what do I do ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
Answer the questions this way next time, Yes, no, and maybe, you are bound to get a few right this time around !
Dear BAD ANSWER MAN !
My dog is really old, stupid and blind. She can't even eat without us calling her to her dish and cramming her head into food so she knows where it is, would the humane thing be to take her to the vet and have her put to sleep, or should I just let my sister take care of her for a week ?
BAD ANSWER MAN'S REPLY WAS,
I say let your sister take care of the dog if she does a bad job you will be able to lay a guilt trip on her for the rest of her life !


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 notices like these 

Are the only thing that might make working in a big company,
something to look forward to.
its for REAL, no jokes (except maybe the last para).
 
 
 Mouse Balls 
 
 This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch
 Offices. The person who wrote it
 was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous.
 
 
 Abstract:  Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
 
    Mouse Balls are now available as FRU.  Therefore, if a mouse fails to
 operate
 or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.  Because of
 the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only
 be
 attempted by properly trained personnel.
 
    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
 underside of the mouse.  Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign
 balls.  Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the
 mouse.  Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.  Domestic balls
 are replaced using the twist off method.  Mouse Balls are usually not static
 sensitive.  However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.  Upon
 completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
 
    It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
 maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his
 balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
 
 




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Once upon a time there was a nice young man called Karim. He used to sell
caps for a living, and roam around several villages. One day he would be in
Mughalsarai, the other day people would find him in Faizabad.

It was an afternoon in summer and he was traversing the vast plains when he
felt tired and wanted to have a nap. He found a nice mango tree with lots of
branches and cool shade, placed his bag of caps beside him and went to
sleep.

Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep. When he woke up after a
refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag!
"Oh,
Allah!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me of all
people?" But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys
wearing colourful caps!

He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back. He made faces at them and
found the monkeys to be experts at that. He threw a stone at them and they
showered him with raw mangoes.

"Ya Allah, how do I get my caps back," he said. Frustrated, he took off his
own cap and slammed it on the ground. And lo, the stupid monkeys threw their
caps too! Smart Karim didn't waste a second, collected the caps and was on
his way.


  50 Years later ....

 Young Abdul, grandson of famous topiwala Karim who was also working
hard at making $$$ doing his family business, was going through the same
jungle. After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice mango tree
with lots of branches and cool shade. Abdul decided to rest a while and very
soon was fast asleep. A few hours later, when Abdul woke up, he realised that
all the caps from his bag were gone! Abdul started searching for the same
and to his surprise found some monkeys sitting on mango tree wearing his
caps. Abdul was frustrated and didn't know what to do. And then he
remembered a story his grandfathers proudly used to let him.

"Yes!!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Abdul. "I'll make them imitate
me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!"

Abdul waved at the monkeys        -- the Monkeys waved at Abdul
Abdul blew his nose               -- the Monkeys blew their noses
Abdul started dancing             -- the Monkeys were also dancing
Abdul pulled his ears             -- the Monkeys pulled their ears
Abdul raised his hands            -- the Monkeys raised their hands
Abdul threw his cap on the ground ............
          ........ one of the monkeys jumped down from the tree, walked
upto

Abdul; slapped him and said "!!! Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A
GRANDFATHER?????"


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Subject: Some Italian toast! (fwd)


     (must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud) 
     ========================================================== 
     One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down 
     to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She 
     brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go 
     to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my 
     plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma 
     bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. 
     
     Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings 
     me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She 
     tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I 
     wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the 
     table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she 
     call me sonna ma bitch.
     
     So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna 
     my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell 
     me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my 
     bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I 
     don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.
     
     I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace unto 
     you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I'm a gonna back 
     to Italy.
    




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                                   MARRIAGES
                                   ^^^^^^^^^

   Desi Marriage: Getting married after multiple H-1 from Mexico.

   Forced Marriage:Getting green card in a month or so, should get married
                   before that.

   Forced & Hurried Marriage: Getting green card in a month and you have
                            only 2 weeks vacation.

   Social Marriage: All of your friends are getting married. so you should.

   Electronic Marriage: Got his/her details on Internet or BBS.

   Ambitious Marriage: Marrying an MBBS girl hoping that she will buy you a
                       porsche/BMW after she starts earning.

   Anonymous Marriage: Have seen photo, talked on phone. Engagement in your
                       absence and getting married the next week you actually
                       saw him/her

   Migration Marriage: You work in SF Bay, he/she works in Research Triangle.
                       You are moving to East Coast after marriage. vice-versa

   Common Marriage:   Marrying a B.E girl from India, and then sending her
                      for MS.

   Desperate Marriage: Watching too many movies in HBO and cinemax.

   Bored Marriage: Got H-1, don't know what to do after work.

   Home Sick Marriage: Working some where in Iowa or Maine village you are THE
                      only desi around (may be 2 more), need to talk to some
               one.

   Fill in the Blanks Marriage: F1 -> Assistantship -> practical training
                      -> Job ->  H1 -> Multiple H1 -> ??? -> Green Card:
                                   == You want to fill the gap ===

   H1-H1 Marriage: You know her/him well, drives nice car has a good TV/Stereo,
                   cooks good what more you want.  (THE BEST BUY)

   Head Quarters Marriage:
           You (USA) - { Parents - Parents of spouse} - He/She (USA)
                       {  Both are in India  HQ     }

   Commuter Marriage: (applies to Silicon Valley  Bay mostly) you working
             in San Jose,
                      he/she works in San Francisco, Both living in Fremont.


        OR A COMBINATION OF TWO OR MORE OF THE ABOVE:
   =============================================================================


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Rules of The Road - Indian style

   
   Note: The following item was extracted from travel section of UK daily
   newspaper.
     _________________________________________________________________
   
   Traveling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound,
   spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes
   hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you
   are on the roads, extremely dangerous.
   
   Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on
   an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for
   the first time in English.
   
   ARTICLE I
   The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
   
   ARTICLE II
   The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending
   order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official
   cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars,
   motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats,
   bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying),
   dogs, pedestrians.
   
   ARTICLE III
   All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to
   slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the
   Indian drivers' mantra.
   
   ARTICLE IV
   Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet): Cars
   (IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing
   dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate)
   denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to
   stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases
   this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single
   blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million
   whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed
   could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for
   several minutes." Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the
   same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons
   and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may
   be emphasized by the use of headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains
   subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above
   
   ARTICLE V
   All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the
   last possible moment.
   
   ARTICLE VI
   In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall
   wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all
   times.
   
   ARTICLE VII
   Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So
   has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane
   discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective
   of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.
   
   ARTICLE VIII
   Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the
   middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other
   impression should be ignored.
   
   ARTICLE IX
   Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake
   every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just
   overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable
   conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends,
   at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than
   two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are
   passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
   
   ARTICLE X
   Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
   
   ARTICLE XI
   Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse
   gear.
   
   ARTICLE XII
   The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker


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:


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CS Student Song

God rest ye CS students now,
Let nothing you dismay.
The VAX is down and won't be up,
Until the first of May.
The program that was due this morn,
Won't be postponed, they say.

        Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
        Comfort and joy,
        Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

The bearings on the drum are gone,
The disk is wobbling, too.
We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Can't tell false from true.
And now we find that we can't get
At Berkeley's 4.2.
 


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 This is a letter from a Sardarni Mother to her son.

Pyaarey puttar,
Vahe Guru. I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read
fast.  We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the 
paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved.  I
won't be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took
the numbers with them for their next house, so they  wouldn't have to
change their address.  This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.  I'm not sure it works too well : last week I put in 3 shirts,  pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.  The weather here isn't too bad. It rained
only twice last week.  The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4
days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a 
little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off
and put them in the pocket.
   We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make 
the last payment on  Grandma's funeral, she will come up again.  Your father 
has another job. He has 500 men under him.  He is cutting the grass at the 
cemetery. Your sister had a baby  this morning. I haven't found out whether 
it's a girl or a boy,  so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. 
 Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, 
but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three 
days.  Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One 
was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled 
down the window and swam to safety. The other drowned because they couldn't 
get the tall gate down.  There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much 
has happened.
   Love
 Mom.
   P. S. : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already 
sealed.


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Subject: HUM: ValuJet Slogans (**1/2) 

ValuJet
-------------
     
1.   Valujet:  When you just can't wait for the world to come to you. 
2.   Valujet::  We're Amtrak with wings.
3.   Join our frequent near-miss program.
4.   On certain flights, every section is a smoking section. 
5.   Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6.   Our staff has lots of experience consoling next of kin.
7.   Are our engines too noisy?  Don't worry, we'll turn them off. 
8.   Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9.   Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. 
10.  The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11.  Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes? 
12.  Our pilots are terminally ill & have nothing to lose. 
13.  ValuJet:  We may be landing on your street.
14.  ValuJet:   Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. 
15.  Bring a bathing suit.
16.  Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks
     but we try to get as close as possible for the best view.
17.  That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best
     pilots.
18.  ValuJet:  Because real men land where they want.


Subject:       definition of a kiss....
>         ----------------------ABOUT A KISS-----------------------
> 
>         Definition of Kiss as given by Professors of different subjects.
> 
> 
>         Prof. of Algebra:     kiss is two divided by nothing.
> 
>         Prof. of Geometry:    kiss is the shortest distance between
>                               two straight lines.
> 
>         Prof. of Physics:     kiss is the contraction of mouth due to
>                               the expansion of the heart.
> 
>         Prof. of Chemistry:   kiss is the reaction of the interaction
>                               between two hearts.
> 
>         Prof. of Zoology:     kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary
> 
>                               bacteria.
> 
>         Prof. of Physiology:  kiss is the juxtaposition of two
>                               orbicularis oris muscles in the state of
> contraction.
> 
>         Prof. of Dentistry:   kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
> 
>         Prof. of Accountancy: kiss is a credit because it is
>                               profitable when returned.
> 
>         Prof. of Economics:   kiss is that thing for which the demand is
>                               higher than the supply.
> 
>         Prof. of Statistics:  kiss is an event whose probability
>                               depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
> 
>         Prof. of Philosophy:  kiss is the persecution for the child,
>                               ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
> 
>         Prof. of English:     kiss is a noun that is used as a
>                               conjunction; it is more common than proper;
>                               it is spoken in the plural and it is
> applicable
>                               to all
> 
>        Prof. of Engineering  What is a kiss?
> 


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Subject: Engineers explained! 

Engineers Explained
 -------------------

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like 
other people.  This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who 
have to deal with them.  The secret to coping with technology-oriented 
people is to understand their motivations.  This chapter will teach you 
everything you need to know.  I learned their customs and mannerisms by 
observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, 
but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.  The 
word "engineer" is greatly overused.  If there's somebody in your life 
who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to 
discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. 
You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a 
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud 
your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who 
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole 
stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from 
social interaction:

   *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation 
   *Important social contacts
   *A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for 
social interactions:

  *Get it over with as soon as possible.
  *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
  *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two 
categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need 
to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers 
like to solve problems.  If there are no problems handily available, they 
will create their own problems.  Normal people don't understand this 
concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers 
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what 
it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer can take a shower 
without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering 
unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of 
sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic 
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.  If no 
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or 
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of 
clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.  It's 
a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are 
portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.  This is 
much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of 
hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of 
other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person will employ various 
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of 
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above 
function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They are widely 
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, 
employed, honest, and handy around the house.  While it's true that many 
normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people 
harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike 
children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their 
virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than 
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties 
to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible 
men in technical professions:

     *  Bill Gates.
     *  MacGyver.
     *  Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain 
that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death.  Longer 
if it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human 
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from 
customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the 
truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.  They say things that 
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected 
to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

     "I won't change anything without asking you first." 
     "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
     "I have to have new equipment to do my job." 
     "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because of cheapness or 
mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a 
problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while 
retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to 
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else 
in the environment.  This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced 
dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started 
checking resumes before processing the bodies.  Anybody with a degree in 
electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped 
up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it whenever they can.  This 
is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, 
the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

 *   Hindenberg.
 *   Space Shuttle Challenger.
 *   SPANet(tm)
 *   Hubble space telescope.
 *   Apollo 13.
 *   Titanic.
 *   Ford Pinto.
 *   Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. 
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and 
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The best way to avoid 
risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for 
reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer 
will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible 
but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
     *   How smart they are.
     *   How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that 
the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable 
problem until it's solved.  No illness or distraction is sufficient to 
get the engineer off the case.  These types of challenges quickly become 
personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. 
(Other times just because they forgot.)  And when they succeed in 
solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than 
sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that 
somebody has more technical skill.  Normal people sometimes use that 
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.  When an 
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's 
not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the 
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these 
lines:  "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how to solve difficult 
technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand 
between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer will set upon the 
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.


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>   One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike.
>   His mother said, "At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what
>   you want, don't you?"
>   "Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."
>   His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him."
>   Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter:
>   
>   Dear Jesus,
>   I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike.
>   Your Friend,
>   Johnny
>   
>   He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.
>   
>   Dear Jesus,
>   Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.
>   
>   He thought about this and decided to write another letter.
>   
>   Dear Jesus,
>   I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.
>   
>   He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either.
>   He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house
>   with a small statue of Mary in the front yard.
>   He picked up the statue and hurried home.
>   He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter.
>   
>   Dear Jesus,
>   If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!
>   Your Friend,
>   Johnny
>   
> 
> -- 
> 


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Subject: Gandhi... -Forwarded (fwd)



> > > The well acclaimed film 'Gandhi' made by Richard Attenborough 
> > > (with Ben Kingsley in the title-role) was a box-office failure 
> > > inspite of its world-wide publicity. A team of experts from
> > > Bollywood was constituted to look into the causes of the 
> > > box-office failure. The team comprising of Subhash Ghai,
> > > Manmohan Desai, Prakash Mehra, et al recommended to change
> > > the title of the movie. The following titles were suggested: 
> > > 
> > >         GANDHI MERA NAAM 
> > >         MERA GANDHI MERA DESH
> > >         JIS DESH MAIN GANDHI HOTA HAI 
> > >         GANDHI KI AANDHI
> > >         JAB JAB GANDHI CHALE
> > >         SHAHENSHAH MAHATAMA GANDHI 
> > >         DAYALU TRIDEV
> > >         GANDHI KASTURBA IN SOUTH AFRICA 
> > > 
> > > They also recommended that a cabaret number by Madhuri Dixit 
> > > or Mamta Kulkarni should be included in the film. It can
> > > be shown to depict the lavish lifestyles of the British.
> > > A rape of the dancer would also do well. The dancer can later 
> > > join the freedom movement of Gandhi.
> > > 
> > > The lack of forceful dialogues was also cited as one the reasons 
> > > of failure. The following dialogues were suggested to be included 
> > > in the movie:
> > > 
> > > "Rishte me to hum tumhare baap hote hain, naam hai Gandhi" 
> > > "Gandhi khush hua !!"
> > > "Chalaa goli, aur dekh kis tarah goli Gandhi ke seene se takra kar 
> > >  wapas chali jaati hai. Are woh goli aaj taak bani nahin jo Gandhi 
> > >  ka seena ko paar kar sake"
> > > "He devi maa ! Aaaj tak Gandhi ne tumse kuch nahin maange, aaj mangta 
> > >  hoon. Angrezon se mera desh mujhe wapas dilwa de, iske baad tujhse
> > >  kabhi kuch nahin maangonga"
> > > 
> > > 
> > > Some songs were also suggested:
> > > 
> > > "Gandho ko Kasturba se pyaar ho gaya, paheli nazaar mein pahela pyaar ho 
> > >  gaya..."
> > > "Gandhi re Gandhi - very good very good, Gandhi ke chele - very bad very 
> > >  bad.."
> > > "Ae Gandhi tere bachhe hum, aise hon hamare karam..." 
> > 
> > 


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Subject: Bill gates and st.peter 

> >     For all those of you who hate windows 95!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >     JOKE
> >     ----
> >
> >     Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
> >     being sized up by St. Peter.
> >
> >     "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
> >     send you to Heaven or Hell.  After all, you enormously helped society
> >     by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
> >     created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never
> >     done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want
> >     to go."
> >
> >     Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
> >
> >     St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if
> >     it will help your decision."
> >
> >     "Fine, but where should I go first?"
> >
> >     "I'll leave that up to you."
> >
> >     "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
> >
> >     So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
> >     clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in
> >     the water, laughing and frolicking about.  The sun was shining; the
> >     temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
> >
> >     "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to
> >     see heaven!"
> >
> >     "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
> >
> >     Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
> >     playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
> >     Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I
> >     think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
> >
> >     "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to
> >     Hell.
> >
> >     Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to
> >     see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill
> >     shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being
> >     burned and tortured by demons.
> >
> >     "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
> >
> >     Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
> >     "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago!
> >     I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place,
> >     with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the
> >     water?!???
> >
> >     "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
> >
> 
> 
> 


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DELETED! This was a junk stuff.     


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Subject: something light Surd_jokes

> 
> 
> > >    Two Surds Santa Singh and Banta Singh go to France on a pleasure trip. 
> > >    They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean 
> > >    Paul finds these two Surds somewhat amusing and so he goes all out to 
> > >    make them happy.
> > >    
> > >    He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques ...... This goes on for a 
> > >    while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Surds assume 
> > >    that some important work would have held him up and do not take a 
> > >    serious note of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does 
> > >    not turn up for next five days at a stretch. At this the Surds get 
> > >    alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a complaint. The inspector 
> > >    asks them to give details of the person who's missing. The following 
> > >    conversation follows:
> > >    
> > >    Santa Singh: Well, his name is Jean Paul.
> > >    
> > >    Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.
> > >    
> > >    Banta Singh: Well, he is very tall.
> > >    
> > >    Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.
> > >    
> > >    Santa singh: Well, he's got blue eyes.
> > >    
> > >    Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.
> > >    
> > >    Banta Singh: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you shall 
> > >    be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.
> > >    
> > >    Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?
> > >    
> > >    Banta Singh: Ya! Ya!
> > >    
> > >    Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info. you 
> > >    have is CORRECT ?
> > >    
> > >    Banta Singh: Most certainly.
> > >    
> > >    Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure ?
> > >    
> > >    Banta Singh: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, 
> > >    everyone used to greet him as " Here comes Jean Paul with two 
> > >    ass-holes."> 


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Subject: Re: light-hearted (200 bucks)
> 
> >> > A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell. The wife
> >> > answers.
> >> >    "Hi, Sara, is Tony home?"
> >> >    "No, Chris, he went to the store."
> >> >    "Well, you mind if I wait?"
> >> >    "No, come in."
> >> >
> >> > They sit down and after a few minutes, the friend says "You know Sara,
> >> > you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen.  I'd give you a hundred
> >> > bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and
> >> > figures what the hell -- a hundred bucks.  She opens her robe and shows
> >> > one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 dollar bill on the table.
> >> >
> >> > They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "I've just got to see the
> >> > both of them.  I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could see the both
> >> > of them together."
> >> >
> >> > Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives
> >> > Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks
> >> > on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
> >> >
> >> > A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird
> >> > friend Chris came over."
> >> >
> >> > Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the
> >> > 200 bucks he owes me?"
> 
> 
> 
> 


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Subject: HUM: Problem Solver! (**) 
 It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra 
 voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).
  When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit
 for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be 
 signaled without disturbing each other.
     
 Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone 
 failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it 
 did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the 
 scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
     
 He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the 
 subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked 
 loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
     
 Climbing down form the pole, the telephone repairman found:
     
 1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and
    collar.
 2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
 3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating
    on the ground.
 4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring
     
 Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
     


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----------------------- Begin Included Message ------------------------

Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in South Georgia

 1.  Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
 2.  Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
 3.  Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
 4.  Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
 5.  Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
 6.  The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
 7.  Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk
     redneck yelling "Freebird!"
 8.  Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
     Achy-Breaky  Heart
 9.  Power Point would be named "ParPawnt"
10.  Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++"
11.  Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
12.  Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13.  Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
14.  New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
15.  Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16.  Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17.  Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18.  Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19.  Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20.  Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars
     in your front yard
21.  Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
22.  Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates


---------------------- End Included Message ------------------------


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-- 
Subject: Jokes, humor related to politicians, accent and DELHI.

Accents!!


Q	How would a madrasi call Mr. M.M. Amir?

A	yum yum yameer ji!

-------

	Bengalis tend to speak s as a sh

	I recently heard a Bengali person calling other

	Would you like to shit here or inside!

--------


	This is an anecdote about a student looking for a textbook 
prescribed for his English examination.  He could not recollect the title 
of book .' I can tell you what the name of the book is in hindi: meemneey 
ke dooum say hilti naashpaati.' The edrudite owner was able to locate the 
required book : Lamb's tales from Shakespeare

(PS: if not digested then read this "lamb tale shakes pear")

---------

A young lady went to a hospital and told the receptionist that she wished 
to see an upturn.  'You mean an intern, don't you dear?' asked the kind 
nurse. 'Well, whatever you call it, I want a contamination,' replied the 
girl. 'You mean examination,' corrected the nurse. 'May be so,' allowed 
the girl. 'I want to go to the fraternity ward.' 'Maternity ward' said 
the nurse with a slight smile. 'Look' insisted the girl, 'I don't know 
much about big words, but I do know that I haven't demonstrated for two 
months, and I think I'm stagnant.'

--------

Is that too, jeero, too, phor, phipe, eight?

'It is madam.'

'I am tasting you, sir.'

'You like my taste?'

'Hokay'

----------
Khushwant singh writes

	A minister for Housing (name not disclosed for fear of causing, 
"hatred, ridicule, or contempt") was presiding over a committee 
considering plans for building urinals.  The plans were examined and 
passed.  The Honourable Minister made the concluding address: "Gentlemen, 
now that we have sanctioned plans for the construction of urinals, it is 
only appropriate that we should take up the scheme for raising arsenals.'

-----------

Profit : Proprietors return on financial investment after taxation


-----------
	
	In the corridor of a government office was a sign board reading
"Don't make a noise."

	Some added the following words: "Otherwise we may wake up."

-----------

	In a local club a long argument had been going on about whether 
or not women should be allowed to do men's job.

	"Mine is a profession that women can't take up," said the auctioneer.

	"A woman would make quite as good an auctioneer as a man," said a 
strongminded woman.

	"How can you imagine an unmarried woman standing up before a 
crowd and saying, "Now gentlemen all I want is an offer!"

-------------

	An Indian politician returned home after his first visit to 
England.  Pressmen sorrounded him and asked him what it was that he had 
been impressed with most about the English people.

	"They are a very gifted race," replied the politician.  "Even a 
two year old child can speak English."

--------------

	Signs outside a tutorial school in Meerut Cantonment:
	"Expert Kotching in English given here."

	Notice in a DTC bus: "Eve teasing is an offence.  Passengers are 
requested to cooperate."

	Outside a Department store in Connaught Place : "Please note that 
we shall not be responsible for any rotten stuff unless it bears our label."

	A Store advertising a new brand of cold-cough syrup: "Got a Cold? 
Try our Cough drops.  We guarantee you'll never get better."

	Sign outside a Theka (Liquor vend) in Meerut in Hindi: "If you 
drink to forget everything, kindly pay us in advance."

	On the rear window of a car (Enroute to Dehradun from Meerut): 
Always drive in such a way that your licence expires before you do."

--------------


	T. Govindan of New Delhi writes about his experience trying to 
make an STD call to Bombay.  He went to his friend Javed who is a 
personal assistant to a Joint Secretary of the Government. "Do you have 
an STD?" he asked Javed, "NO, not at all," replied Javed emphatically, 
"But you are with a Joint Secretary, you should have an STD," said Govindan.

	"Why the hell should I have an STD?" demanded Javed angrily.

	"Nothing to get so upset about, said Govinda, "all Joint 
secretaries have STD telephones."

	"Why didn't you say you wanted to use Subscriber Trunk Dial?" replied
Javed, "I thought you wanted to know if I had Sexually Transmitted Disease."
-------------


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